LOIS
So, Lois and Fflur are told that yes, they do have year long tenancies on their rooms, and that if they leave, they'll have to continue paying. They shout and scream at the academic who runs their dorm (An academic runs their dorm) and he tells them he'll tell their parents.
But apparently, they can afford to pay rent on both rooms, so they just hand in their keys and go. Lois suggests that maybe they'll just get part time jobs, and that'll make things easier. Fflur says she's not fond of working. Oh Fuck you, then. It must be nice that instead of working out a situation reasonably (such as swapping rooms with some students in a different hall) you can just pay for two rooms and not have any problems there. Wasn't she complaining about buying law books several chapters back?
Down in the town, they have this amazing huge spacious flat, available mid-term and cheaper than their university accomodation. BULLSHIT! Oh come on! That would never happen. And, oh, it's got an extra room, so Daniel can move in to. Aren't things just so incredibly easy and wonderful for Lois.
Fuck this novel!
CERYS
Cerys is obviously a self-involved bitch again, and complains about someone else moving into the room with her. One of the Fat Slags, Sali (IT'S FUCKING WELSH!), tells her that she goes back years with the academic who runs the dorm (erm, what?) and that she'll make sure nothing happens. Well, nothing would happen, because Lois is still paying for the room. Anyway, Sali tells Cerys that she has to give her something for this. So Sali kisses Cerys, and Cerys says she's not a lesbian, and Sali threatens Cerys. So the only lesbian (or, at least, bi-curious) person in the novel starts threatening the breasty vagina with legs. Davies does realise that there are a lot of unfortunate implications in making the Fat Slags physically repulsive, nasty, vindictive, possible lesbians, doesn't she? This was written in 2010. By a woman, and for a women's writing press. I seriously despair!
Then the breast-vagina-legs goes out with a guy called Foxy (It's not Welsh!) to a restaurant where Marc is with his wife, and teases him. She basically sticks her breasts on Foxy's plate, asks him loudly to have sex with her and comments that Marc's wife is an 'uptight bitch.' FEMINISM!
HYWEL
Hywel goes on a date with some Christian girl, to make Meleri jealous. This actually works, and he dumps the Christian girl to go have sex with Meleri when he's got rid of her.
*headdesk*
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Wednesday, 12 November 2014
the halfway point of Clliches!
So... Lois and Cerys argue. Lois is obviously meant to be the one in the right about the fact that Cerys is a terrible roommate and Fflur is better, so she decides she's going to move out. Anyone who's ever been to university or paid rent anyway will probably know that there'd be a tenancy agreement or some contract and you can't just leave. Lois is also unhappy with her course because 'the reality was exceedingly dry lectures, a heap of prep work and no creativity, drama or male eye candy to be found within the precincts of the law department, nor within a mile! That's a bit harsh. The entire campus is probably barely a mile! Lois expected university to be sexy men and sexy essays. WHY DID ANY OF THESE PEOPLE GO TO UNIVERSITY?
Cerys and Lois have a cliched bitchy argument where they call each other frigid and whore. Lois, and everyone else in this chapter, point out that everyone knows about their affair. Because it's Aberystwyth. It's really small. I don#'t think Davies actually thought any of this storyline through. It's not a big city. OBVIOUSLY. Cerys continues to be utterly deluded about Marc, and the Fat Slags tell her to go spy on him. Which she does, by sitting on a wall opposite their house, with binoculaurs. And obviously she sees a seemingly happy, loving family. I don't even see why you would need to do that in Aberystwyth. He lives on the seafront. How would you not have already seen his wife? All the bars, clubs and the old college, which seems to be the only place anyone has lectures, are all on the seafront. It's a small town! There are like 2 supermarkets! You wouldn't need to spy on anyone and you certainly wouldn't need to do it like this:
'I've loved you from the first minute I saw you on Penglais Hill.' You've been in love with her since the time you saw her passed out drunk in the middle of the pavement? How romantic.
What the hell is wrong with everyone in this novel? Why do all these characters live in the same hall? And why are they all Welsh?
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Cerys and Lois have a cliched bitchy argument where they call each other frigid and whore. Lois, and everyone else in this chapter, point out that everyone knows about their affair. Because it's Aberystwyth. It's really small. I don#'t think Davies actually thought any of this storyline through. It's not a big city. OBVIOUSLY. Cerys continues to be utterly deluded about Marc, and the Fat Slags tell her to go spy on him. Which she does, by sitting on a wall opposite their house, with binoculaurs. And obviously she sees a seemingly happy, loving family. I don't even see why you would need to do that in Aberystwyth. He lives on the seafront. How would you not have already seen his wife? All the bars, clubs and the old college, which seems to be the only place anyone has lectures, are all on the seafront. It's a small town! There are like 2 supermarkets! You wouldn't need to spy on anyone and you certainly wouldn't need to do it like this:
Mrs Arwel: Marc, is that one of your floozies sitting on the wall over there spying on us?
Marc: Don't you think my penis is just impressive!
So Cerys takes a picture of him with his wife with a camera she had in her pocket. And then presumably took 20 other pictures to use up the roll of film, went to get it developed and then realised she had a blurry shot of two people in the distance in the garden.
Then she goes to a 9am lecture to taunt him:
'Cerys would always wear provocative miniskirts and tight little tops to the lectures to attract his attention. She'd always sit in the front row and flamboyantly uncross her legs a time or two to egg him on by demonstrating that she'd "forgotten" to put on any underwear.'
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Can you imagine what it's like to be anyone else in that lecture theatre. With this girl doing a Basic Instinct impression in the front row. She's spreading her well worn vagina all over the seats. How could anyone else bear to be in this class? How would anyone have not reported this to the department? Seriously, that's just incredibly gross.
At the end of the lecture, he collects everyone's essays. Cerys, in the front row, hands over an essay with a photo of him on the front and the words BASTARD written on it. What the hell is everyone else doing in this lecture theatre while she's spreading her legs and handing over things like that. She's in the FRONT ROW! (Once again though, I must actually applaud Cerys, because I would probably skip a 9am lecture!)
Marc tells her he's sorry, blah, blah, blah emotional manipulation, and then they have sex on the desk! In the lecture theatre! I don't understand why no one else would be coming in for the next lecture while they're doing this. Or, you know, just a lost student bursting in going, 'sorry, wrong room.'
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Hywel meanwhile tries to make a move on Meleri right after she's broken up with Huw.
What the hell is wrong with everyone in this novel? Why do all these characters live in the same hall? And why are they all Welsh?
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 5 of CLLICHES!
LOIS
It's November. Lois is hanging out with Fflur now, getting drunk, smoking dope and complaining about Cerys, with whom she used to 'enjoy comparing and contrasting [her] virtues' but is now 'a self-centered bitch.' WOW! Lois is a horrible person! If Cerys isn't there to validate your own modest behaviour she's a bitch! So now she has to ask Fflur for advice about Daniel. So, when someone else isn't there for her to complain about her boy problems to, she goes to complain to another girl. Fflur has seemingly no traits other than being a goth, who like goth bands more obscure than The Cure and black things. I like Fflur. She tells Lois to invite Daniel around for a romantic dinner of 'a juicy steak, strawberries, oysters... Champagne!' I want to imagine that Fflur was being incredibly sarcastic, and high, because I would love to know how anyone could do that in a student hall! Lois has written one essay on her course and scraped a pass and she's upset because she was so brilliant at school. Boo hoo. This happened to everyone at first. She wants to maybe change to Drama, but her parents wanted her to do Law, and she always fancied being a barrister and earning shedloads. Last chapter, Lois chose to do Law because of LA LAW. Two of her A levels were Music and Drama. What are the entry requirements for a Law degree? Barristers don't actually necessarily earn shedloads, but they certainly, it is true, earn more than a drama student.
Lois actually makes oysters! Girl, never take advice from someone who's high. Sexy times begin to happen! Lois tries to give Daniel a blow job. He goes limp in her hand. She gets upset. He says its the drink and dope. It probably is. 'Her gut ached with the combination of sexual arousal and crushing disappointment. What was wrong with her?' Cerys comes back and actually comforts Lois by telling her that yeah, it was probably the drink and that but also Daniel has issues because years ago he'd given his brother ecstasy and he'd died. Cerys tells her, smartly, that if she wants some fun and sex, she should give up on him and find someone who's not depressed and troubled. Lois tells Cerys that she's the college bike, and that sex isn't everything. Lois, I've decided, is actually a bitch! Lois WANTED to have sex with Daniel. Apparently Lois hasn't gotten to know Daniel in any real way or she'd have maybe noticed he's kinda troubled. When her friend gives her advice about the situation, she actually criticises her friend for being a whore, even though apparently she's actually only going out with Marc now.
This was written by a woman, and published by a women's writing press. WHY?
CERYS
Marc and Cerys are having sex in Machynlleth because its suitably anonymous. That's 30 mins on the train, which only goes every two hours. What, was everything in Borth booked up? Marc is annoyed with Cerys for snogging Cai outside his house. Right, that incident last chapter took place in October. It's now November. Apparently they've been having loads of sex since that night, and Cerys has only been seeing Marc. But here Marc has a go at Cerys for seeing Cai, back in October. So.... plot mess here. Cerys RIGHTLY points out that someone who is cheating on their wife doesn't get to complain that she is seeing someone else too! Marc says he's not having sex with his wife and their life is boring. Cerys asks why he doesn't just get a divorce. He says he'd lose his kids, his job, his house. Marc is a bullshitting fucking coward. Marc goes into a totally manipulative spiel about how he didn't mean to do any of this to her and its not fair. But he can't help himself, and it wasn't fair for her to have sex with another guy, and that someday he'll leave his wife. You can tell EXACTLY where this plot is going.
Cerys decides that she'll get pregnant and then he'll have to leave his wife and marry her and she can be a trophy wife to a successful academic. Academics are really not that well paid, and Marc would undoubtedly be fired, or at least be demoted/never promoted, if he left his wife and kids to marry a student half his age who he got pregnant while cheating on his wife. Cerys is apparently not very sexually wise for a college bike.
HYWEL
Hywel tries to go out with Meleri, but Meleri is still in love with Huw, and dumps him mid-party for Huw. Hywel decides that he's going to wait for Meleri to see what a knob Huw is. Why are the girls in this story are so horrible? Just sex-crazed, petty, backstabbing, gossipy bitches who use guys!
This was written by a woman, and published by a women's writing press. WHY?
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
It's November. Lois is hanging out with Fflur now, getting drunk, smoking dope and complaining about Cerys, with whom she used to 'enjoy comparing and contrasting [her] virtues' but is now 'a self-centered bitch.' WOW! Lois is a horrible person! If Cerys isn't there to validate your own modest behaviour she's a bitch! So now she has to ask Fflur for advice about Daniel. So, when someone else isn't there for her to complain about her boy problems to, she goes to complain to another girl. Fflur has seemingly no traits other than being a goth, who like goth bands more obscure than The Cure and black things. I like Fflur. She tells Lois to invite Daniel around for a romantic dinner of 'a juicy steak, strawberries, oysters... Champagne!' I want to imagine that Fflur was being incredibly sarcastic, and high, because I would love to know how anyone could do that in a student hall! Lois has written one essay on her course and scraped a pass and she's upset because she was so brilliant at school. Boo hoo. This happened to everyone at first. She wants to maybe change to Drama, but her parents wanted her to do Law, and she always fancied being a barrister and earning shedloads. Last chapter, Lois chose to do Law because of LA LAW. Two of her A levels were Music and Drama. What are the entry requirements for a Law degree? Barristers don't actually necessarily earn shedloads, but they certainly, it is true, earn more than a drama student.
Lois actually makes oysters! Girl, never take advice from someone who's high. Sexy times begin to happen! Lois tries to give Daniel a blow job. He goes limp in her hand. She gets upset. He says its the drink and dope. It probably is. 'Her gut ached with the combination of sexual arousal and crushing disappointment. What was wrong with her?' Cerys comes back and actually comforts Lois by telling her that yeah, it was probably the drink and that but also Daniel has issues because years ago he'd given his brother ecstasy and he'd died. Cerys tells her, smartly, that if she wants some fun and sex, she should give up on him and find someone who's not depressed and troubled. Lois tells Cerys that she's the college bike, and that sex isn't everything. Lois, I've decided, is actually a bitch! Lois WANTED to have sex with Daniel. Apparently Lois hasn't gotten to know Daniel in any real way or she'd have maybe noticed he's kinda troubled. When her friend gives her advice about the situation, she actually criticises her friend for being a whore, even though apparently she's actually only going out with Marc now.
This was written by a woman, and published by a women's writing press. WHY?
CERYS
Marc and Cerys are having sex in Machynlleth because its suitably anonymous. That's 30 mins on the train, which only goes every two hours. What, was everything in Borth booked up? Marc is annoyed with Cerys for snogging Cai outside his house. Right, that incident last chapter took place in October. It's now November. Apparently they've been having loads of sex since that night, and Cerys has only been seeing Marc. But here Marc has a go at Cerys for seeing Cai, back in October. So.... plot mess here. Cerys RIGHTLY points out that someone who is cheating on their wife doesn't get to complain that she is seeing someone else too! Marc says he's not having sex with his wife and their life is boring. Cerys asks why he doesn't just get a divorce. He says he'd lose his kids, his job, his house. Marc is a bullshitting fucking coward. Marc goes into a totally manipulative spiel about how he didn't mean to do any of this to her and its not fair. But he can't help himself, and it wasn't fair for her to have sex with another guy, and that someday he'll leave his wife. You can tell EXACTLY where this plot is going.
Cerys decides that she'll get pregnant and then he'll have to leave his wife and marry her and she can be a trophy wife to a successful academic. Academics are really not that well paid, and Marc would undoubtedly be fired, or at least be demoted/never promoted, if he left his wife and kids to marry a student half his age who he got pregnant while cheating on his wife. Cerys is apparently not very sexually wise for a college bike.
HYWEL
Hywel tries to go out with Meleri, but Meleri is still in love with Huw, and dumps him mid-party for Huw. Hywel decides that he's going to wait for Meleri to see what a knob Huw is. Why are the girls in this story are so horrible? Just sex-crazed, petty, backstabbing, gossipy bitches who use guys!
This was written by a woman, and published by a women's writing press. WHY?
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Hywel's subplot and Chapter 4 of Freshers.
So, after eating her out. Marc Arwel, who is so insanely old at the age of 36, insists that she's the only student he's ever slept with. And that he's a mature man who 'knows how to really pleasure a woman' (I SERIOUSLY DOUBT THAT!), and Cerys falls in love with him, in a way that makes no sense for someone who's supposedly as sexually experienced as she is. I don't think 'she's 18' would be a sufficient explanation here. She's supposedly been having sex since she was 15, having encounters with sexy French strangers she's met on fancy holidays while wearing not much more than underwear. Her character background is a little concerning and Marc Arwel's behaviour, given that he's a lecturer, is seriously, seriously perverse and disturbing. I'm not sure though that we're supposed to be seeing his behaviour as disturbing.
HYWEL
Hywel discovers student societies, even Christian ones, are full of self-centered egotists. I'll give credit that this sounds very accurate, but it's also quite obvious. This isn't supposed to be a Young Adult novel. Most people who read this novel are probably at least undergraduates. It's written by a woman who went to university. This university. Yet it reads incredibly superficially, as if someone has only been told what university was like.
Anyway, that goth is back. The one who didn't want meet a 'fucking Bible-basher.' She's named Fflur! (IT'S WELSH!). These two chat for a while, and realise they have stuff in common. Which is not surprising in any way. Who loves religious imagery more than Goths? These two are obviously going to get together.
Then he meets a girl called Meleri. IT'S WELSH! Everyone in this version of Aberystwyth is Welsh, and has a very Welsh name. Even though Aberystwyth is in reality quite a diverse university (most universities are) and generally, you'd probably meet more students from Birmingham than anywhere else, given that Birmingham is where the trains go, and consequently the nearest and easiest big city to get to.
There's a proofing error on page 66 that says 'one of the rules of his Church was no pre-martial sex.'
Chapter 4 and we're back to LOIS being all virginal. I'm hoping the book isn't always going to be ordered: Lois, Cerys, Hywel. It's a very tedious structure.
'Lois was very happy with her recently purchased red mini-dress; it was short, not too eye-poppingly red, and sexy without being tarty.' OF COURSE NOT! SHE'S A VIRGIN! Jesus fucking Christ! Where exactly are they finding these incredibly sexy dresses. Aberystwyth isn't as quaint as some of its media portrayals, but it's equally still a small town, so it's not that fashion forward either. Laura Palmer was more typical of 1991 styling. 1991 is just before grunge and Britpop are about to break out. Sexy mini-dresses I remember thinking were more of a mid to late 90s thing for actual high street fashion - like Clueless, the Spice Girls and Buffy the Vampire Slayer - and the internet seems to agree. But if anyone wants to send me pictures of their 1991 self in hot pants and skinny t-shirts, on a cold British beach they're welcome to.
Lois has had to spend her money on boring Law books, when she'd wanted to spend it on drinking with Cai (IT'S WELSH!) and Daniel. Given that she was earlier going on about getting a full scholarship of £1500 (1991!), and she doesn't exactly sound like she comes from some background of hardship, I'm not exactly sorry for her. Also, you know, libraries gave us power and loans so we didn't have to buy expensive law books in their latest editions.And her lectures are hard, and everyone else is finding it so easy. Firstly, everyone will tell you that's not at all true, and secondly, they probably didn't decide to do Law, even though their interest is in Music, because they watched LA LAW.
Lois worries Cerys might try and steal her man, even though she doesn't have him yet and if Daniel decides he prefers Cerys, that's Daniel's fault, not hers. Why would these two be friends? Lois brags to Cerys about her new cool friends, once she realises that Cerys isn't interested. Yeah, that sounds like a healthy friendship!
Lois gets shy about her dress and puts a cardigan on because Daniel hasn't immediately paid attention to her sexy dress, because some other sexy third year blonder with a tasteful white mini-dress speaks to him. Then she gets really drunk, and resentful of the 'blonde bitch.' Because a slightly more attractive girl who talks to a guy that you barely even know is a bitch! This was written by a woman, and published by a women's writing press.
Then she takes some ecstasy, goes a bit funny, a guy bothers her and Daniel rescues her. Then they kiss. This was written by a woman, and published by a women's writing press.
CERYS THE BUTAIN!
She seemingly never wears a bra. She'll regret that someday. Marc says her nipples are 'the devil's rosebuds.' That is just gross. Marc apparently lives on the seafront in Aberystwyth. The hotel they were in was just off the seafront. Aber is a small town. How the fuck does he pull any of this off? Anyway, she's getting off with Cai now, apparently outside Marc's house. Cerys hasn't been given a single trait that doesn't portray her like a whore! Because at this point, we're only two weeks into the term and Cerys has had sex with three different men. Which, well, you know, if she wants to have sex with different people, she can do! Why not? I'm not slutshaming her! But the narrative is, making her nothing but sex and breasts and men! I applaud a girl who can have sex on the pebbly beach of Aberystwyth in OCTOBER!
HYWEL
Hywel has shit hair! But he's bought some cool clothes in Topman and River Island. Now he's hoping Meleri Haf (IT'S WEEEEELLLLLLSSSSSSHHHHH!) will love him! Meleri? What about Fflur?
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
HYWEL
Hywel discovers student societies, even Christian ones, are full of self-centered egotists. I'll give credit that this sounds very accurate, but it's also quite obvious. This isn't supposed to be a Young Adult novel. Most people who read this novel are probably at least undergraduates. It's written by a woman who went to university. This university. Yet it reads incredibly superficially, as if someone has only been told what university was like.
Anyway, that goth is back. The one who didn't want meet a 'fucking Bible-basher.' She's named Fflur! (IT'S WELSH!). These two chat for a while, and realise they have stuff in common. Which is not surprising in any way. Who loves religious imagery more than Goths? These two are obviously going to get together.
Then he meets a girl called Meleri. IT'S WELSH! Everyone in this version of Aberystwyth is Welsh, and has a very Welsh name. Even though Aberystwyth is in reality quite a diverse university (most universities are) and generally, you'd probably meet more students from Birmingham than anywhere else, given that Birmingham is where the trains go, and consequently the nearest and easiest big city to get to.
There's a proofing error on page 66 that says 'one of the rules of his Church was no pre-martial sex.'
Chapter 4 and we're back to LOIS being all virginal. I'm hoping the book isn't always going to be ordered: Lois, Cerys, Hywel. It's a very tedious structure.
'Lois was very happy with her recently purchased red mini-dress; it was short, not too eye-poppingly red, and sexy without being tarty.' OF COURSE NOT! SHE'S A VIRGIN! Jesus fucking Christ! Where exactly are they finding these incredibly sexy dresses. Aberystwyth isn't as quaint as some of its media portrayals, but it's equally still a small town, so it's not that fashion forward either. Laura Palmer was more typical of 1991 styling. 1991 is just before grunge and Britpop are about to break out. Sexy mini-dresses I remember thinking were more of a mid to late 90s thing for actual high street fashion - like Clueless, the Spice Girls and Buffy the Vampire Slayer - and the internet seems to agree. But if anyone wants to send me pictures of their 1991 self in hot pants and skinny t-shirts, on a cold British beach they're welcome to.
Lois has had to spend her money on boring Law books, when she'd wanted to spend it on drinking with Cai (IT'S WELSH!) and Daniel. Given that she was earlier going on about getting a full scholarship of £1500 (1991!), and she doesn't exactly sound like she comes from some background of hardship, I'm not exactly sorry for her. Also, you know, libraries gave us power and loans so we didn't have to buy expensive law books in their latest editions.And her lectures are hard, and everyone else is finding it so easy. Firstly, everyone will tell you that's not at all true, and secondly, they probably didn't decide to do Law, even though their interest is in Music, because they watched LA LAW.
Lois worries Cerys might try and steal her man, even though she doesn't have him yet and if Daniel decides he prefers Cerys, that's Daniel's fault, not hers. Why would these two be friends? Lois brags to Cerys about her new cool friends, once she realises that Cerys isn't interested. Yeah, that sounds like a healthy friendship!
Lois gets shy about her dress and puts a cardigan on because Daniel hasn't immediately paid attention to her sexy dress, because some other sexy third year blonder with a tasteful white mini-dress speaks to him. Then she gets really drunk, and resentful of the 'blonde bitch.' Because a slightly more attractive girl who talks to a guy that you barely even know is a bitch! This was written by a woman, and published by a women's writing press.
Then she takes some ecstasy, goes a bit funny, a guy bothers her and Daniel rescues her. Then they kiss. This was written by a woman, and published by a women's writing press.
CERYS THE BUTAIN!
She seemingly never wears a bra. She'll regret that someday. Marc says her nipples are 'the devil's rosebuds.' That is just gross. Marc apparently lives on the seafront in Aberystwyth. The hotel they were in was just off the seafront. Aber is a small town. How the fuck does he pull any of this off? Anyway, she's getting off with Cai now, apparently outside Marc's house. Cerys hasn't been given a single trait that doesn't portray her like a whore! Because at this point, we're only two weeks into the term and Cerys has had sex with three different men. Which, well, you know, if she wants to have sex with different people, she can do! Why not? I'm not slutshaming her! But the narrative is, making her nothing but sex and breasts and men! I applaud a girl who can have sex on the pebbly beach of Aberystwyth in OCTOBER!
HYWEL
Hywel has shit hair! But he's bought some cool clothes in Topman and River Island. Now he's hoping Meleri Haf (IT'S WEEEEELLLLLLSSSSSSHHHHH!) will love him! Meleri? What about Fflur?
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Tuesday, 11 November 2014
Chapter 3 of Freshers by Joanna Davies
Or as I'll rename it CLICHES! Or maybe that's CLLICHES! It's WALES!
It's the day after the last chapter. God, I hope the pace picks up a bit!
THE VIRGIN (FORWYN! IT'S WELSH!)
Because she's a nice sweet innocent virgin, she feels bad about what happened to Hywel. Because Cerys is a whore, she doesn't care.
Lois starts being jealous while some girls talk to Cerys and Lois eats some horrible pasta bake and is disappointed that university doesn't come with fine cuisine, napkins, waiters, and three types of fork.
Lois meets another girl called Fflur (IT'S WELSH!) They go and see a gig by one of the most popular bands in Wales!
No, not them!
That looks like it'd hurt!
THE WHORE (BUTAIN! IT'S WELSH)
Cerys goes off with the girls from earlier. They're called the Fat Slags. They're older and rule the college, and it's paper! The name isn't ironic. They're Fat, and have slept around? They're this novel's villains. They're fat, ugly, bitchy, gossipy and they've slept with boys! So they're evil! This novel has some incredibly fucked up presentations of women for a novel written by a woman and published by a women's writing press.
Anyway, they tell her of Marc Arwel. He's the sexy older sophisticated man that Cerys wants. He's more stunning than Fabrice! He's a Welsh History lecturer. The Fat Slags have never scored with him. But Cerys had already met him at registration and he'd eyed her up there. Which is obviously the behaviour of a respectable academic. Cerys decides she doesn't like Lois cos she's still a virgin and she lost hers at 15, with a sixth former.
Anyway, the Fat Slags tell her she looks like 'jailbait!' She goes up to Marc Arwel, in her 'short hot pants and perky little breasts' Man, Davies likes Cerys's breasts. And do you need to specify hot pants are short? He tells her he's thinking of an 'extra curricular activity' with her. Within the length of time it takes to drink a Gin and Tonic, she's off to shag him in a hotel. I don't know if Davies actually means for this scene to read as sexy, or incredibly disturbing.
The next bit though will scar you for life, as Marc takes her to a hotel that definitely doesn't exist in Aber because nowhere out of the uni is 6-7 floors high, and has sex with her. It's built up to with this amazing line
'Cerys you're amazing,' Marc sighed as he wrenched her skimpy knickers off.'
He 'wrenched' her 'skimpy' knickers?
'Hey! Those are new!'
'I'll buy you a hundred pairs of knickers!' Marc laughed before diving into the depths of her femininity like a greedy cat a bowl of tuna.'
Now, let me ruin cat videos for you forever.
I have to go find some brain bleach!
It's the day after the last chapter. God, I hope the pace picks up a bit!
THE VIRGIN (FORWYN! IT'S WELSH!)
Because she's a nice sweet innocent virgin, she feels bad about what happened to Hywel. Because Cerys is a whore, she doesn't care.
Lois starts being jealous while some girls talk to Cerys and Lois eats some horrible pasta bake and is disappointed that university doesn't come with fine cuisine, napkins, waiters, and three types of fork.
Lois meets another girl called Fflur (IT'S WELSH!) They go and see a gig by one of the most popular bands in Wales!
No, not them!
Oh, fuck no!
They're not even Welsh
No, Bounty Hunter. Who are obviously a fictional band. Cos, quite frankly, if performing in Aberystwyth is a career breakthrough that makes you the biggest thing in Wales, you're definitely fictional. And shit. She's attracted to the lead singer. He's a sensitive tortured soul. Richey Edwards totally stole all his moves.
'Lois fixed her eyes on Daniel: his sensitivite features showing he was lost in the moment, his supple hands stroking the guitar as if it was a woman.' You know, I think people think that sounds like a sexy sensual idea, but i bet in reality it'd be a bit bruising.
That looks like it'd hurt!
THE WHORE (BUTAIN! IT'S WELSH)
Cerys goes off with the girls from earlier. They're called the Fat Slags. They're older and rule the college, and it's paper! The name isn't ironic. They're Fat, and have slept around? They're this novel's villains. They're fat, ugly, bitchy, gossipy and they've slept with boys! So they're evil! This novel has some incredibly fucked up presentations of women for a novel written by a woman and published by a women's writing press.
Anyway, they tell her of Marc Arwel. He's the sexy older sophisticated man that Cerys wants. He's more stunning than Fabrice! He's a Welsh History lecturer. The Fat Slags have never scored with him. But Cerys had already met him at registration and he'd eyed her up there. Which is obviously the behaviour of a respectable academic. Cerys decides she doesn't like Lois cos she's still a virgin and she lost hers at 15, with a sixth former.
Anyway, the Fat Slags tell her she looks like 'jailbait!' She goes up to Marc Arwel, in her 'short hot pants and perky little breasts' Man, Davies likes Cerys's breasts. And do you need to specify hot pants are short? He tells her he's thinking of an 'extra curricular activity' with her. Within the length of time it takes to drink a Gin and Tonic, she's off to shag him in a hotel. I don't know if Davies actually means for this scene to read as sexy, or incredibly disturbing.
The next bit though will scar you for life, as Marc takes her to a hotel that definitely doesn't exist in Aber because nowhere out of the uni is 6-7 floors high, and has sex with her. It's built up to with this amazing line
'Cerys you're amazing,' Marc sighed as he wrenched her skimpy knickers off.'
He 'wrenched' her 'skimpy' knickers?
'Hey! Those are new!'
'I'll buy you a hundred pairs of knickers!' Marc laughed before diving into the depths of her femininity like a greedy cat a bowl of tuna.'
Now, let me ruin cat videos for you forever.
I have to go find some brain bleach!
Chapter 2 of Freshers by Joanna Davies
Chapter 2 and our stereotypes are at Aberyswyth now!
THE VIRGIN!
Lois is disappointed that her dorm room looks like a dorm room.
'In her mind, Lois had imagined an airy, freshly decorated room with a beautiful sea-view.' What, the uni didn't provide pictures and details of the accomodation? Aberystwyth's accomodation is halfway up a steep hill that every student will remember walking up in Fresher's Week when they didn't know to get the buses. So, you know, maybe you can just swap rooms with someone who has got a sea view.
The view she does have doesn't sound too bad though.
'From the outside it looked like a splendid and majestic stone building: built in the 19th century, with gorgeous gardens surrounding its vantage point on Penglais Hill!' See, that doesn't sound awful. Better than getting a view of the laundry room and the college bar where people sang along to 'I believe in a thing called Love' by The Darkness three times every night, AAARGH GOD IT WAS HORRIBLE AAAARGH, WHY, WHY, WHYYYYYYY!
Sorry, flashbacks.
Anyway, there's also a goth in the halls. She has a biker boyfriend and swears. Presumably in Welsh, because everyone in this novel is a Welsh speaker.
Then they talk about getting dressed to go out on the town. Lois is going to wear a demure black dress, cos, you know, sweet virgin! Cerys is wearing her red hot pants. And a tight boobs hugging t-shirt. Cos, you know, WHORE! Cerys tells her to wear lots of make-up so the barmen don't think they're underage. It's Fresher's Week, you're in a university town, and it's 1991. No one is going to be asking for anyone's ID. Hywel's going too. No one cares about Hywel. Lois apparently is disappointed to hear that Law students have to study stuff at university, and that she'd only chosen to do law because she'd been watching LA LAW. AHAHAHAHAHAHA. That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.
How's the Whore?
THE WHOOOOORRREEE!
She got some drinks off a rugby guy named Huw (because it's Wales!). She fantasises about a sexy older man, like a guy named Fabrice she knew. I'm waiting for the novel to do some kind of switch here and tell us that she's actually a virgin. Otherwise I'm gonna think that Cerys is actually a hooker, since she reminisces here about a French city boy who she'd met in a 5 star hotel in St. Tropez, who was at least 30 years old! 'That was the kind of man she was looking for but would she find a sophisticated older fox like that in old-fashioned little Aberystwyth.' The French Department?
Girl, why the fuck are you even going to Aberystwyth, if apparently you've had some jetsetting lifestyle of sex and romance with hot Europeans. You had choices, I assume, and it doesn't sound as if money is an obstacle. Why not Cardiff? Why not London? Why not a continental university? Why university at all? Academics are not that well paid, and not that attractive.
'This bloody hill is a killer.' Ah, Penglais Hill. I remember stumbling up it drunkenly once back to my halls. By the time I reached the top I was sober. It was a pretty good night, and I didn't have a hangover.
Did I mention that I, myself, was an 18 year old fresher in Aberystwyth? Oh yeah, this novel is personal!
Some third year guys are having some initiation party and Cerys's £100 Toni and Guy hairdo might get ruined! £100! FOR A HAIRDO? IN 1991? Toni and Guy charge about £150 in Cardiff now for the most expensive styling option.
HYWEL
Hywel gets tormented by Huw and the stereotypical jock boys for being a nerdy Bible Basher.
Chapter 1
Chapter 3
THE VIRGIN!
Lois is disappointed that her dorm room looks like a dorm room.
'In her mind, Lois had imagined an airy, freshly decorated room with a beautiful sea-view.' What, the uni didn't provide pictures and details of the accomodation? Aberystwyth's accomodation is halfway up a steep hill that every student will remember walking up in Fresher's Week when they didn't know to get the buses. So, you know, maybe you can just swap rooms with someone who has got a sea view.
The view she does have doesn't sound too bad though.
'From the outside it looked like a splendid and majestic stone building: built in the 19th century, with gorgeous gardens surrounding its vantage point on Penglais Hill!' See, that doesn't sound awful. Better than getting a view of the laundry room and the college bar where people sang along to 'I believe in a thing called Love' by The Darkness three times every night, AAARGH GOD IT WAS HORRIBLE AAAARGH, WHY, WHY, WHYYYYYYY!
Sorry, flashbacks.
Anyway, there's also a goth in the halls. She has a biker boyfriend and swears. Presumably in Welsh, because everyone in this novel is a Welsh speaker.
Then they talk about getting dressed to go out on the town. Lois is going to wear a demure black dress, cos, you know, sweet virgin! Cerys is wearing her red hot pants. And a tight boobs hugging t-shirt. Cos, you know, WHORE! Cerys tells her to wear lots of make-up so the barmen don't think they're underage. It's Fresher's Week, you're in a university town, and it's 1991. No one is going to be asking for anyone's ID. Hywel's going too. No one cares about Hywel. Lois apparently is disappointed to hear that Law students have to study stuff at university, and that she'd only chosen to do law because she'd been watching LA LAW. AHAHAHAHAHAHA. That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.
How's the Whore?
THE WHOOOOORRREEE!
She got some drinks off a rugby guy named Huw (because it's Wales!). She fantasises about a sexy older man, like a guy named Fabrice she knew. I'm waiting for the novel to do some kind of switch here and tell us that she's actually a virgin. Otherwise I'm gonna think that Cerys is actually a hooker, since she reminisces here about a French city boy who she'd met in a 5 star hotel in St. Tropez, who was at least 30 years old! 'That was the kind of man she was looking for but would she find a sophisticated older fox like that in old-fashioned little Aberystwyth.' The French Department?
Girl, why the fuck are you even going to Aberystwyth, if apparently you've had some jetsetting lifestyle of sex and romance with hot Europeans. You had choices, I assume, and it doesn't sound as if money is an obstacle. Why not Cardiff? Why not London? Why not a continental university? Why university at all? Academics are not that well paid, and not that attractive.
'This bloody hill is a killer.' Ah, Penglais Hill. I remember stumbling up it drunkenly once back to my halls. By the time I reached the top I was sober. It was a pretty good night, and I didn't have a hangover.
Did I mention that I, myself, was an 18 year old fresher in Aberystwyth? Oh yeah, this novel is personal!
Some third year guys are having some initiation party and Cerys's £100 Toni and Guy hairdo might get ruined! £100! FOR A HAIRDO? IN 1991? Toni and Guy charge about £150 in Cardiff now for the most expensive styling option.
HYWEL
Hywel gets tormented by Huw and the stereotypical jock boys for being a nerdy Bible Basher.
Chapter 1
Chapter 3
Chapter by chapter review of Freshers by Joanna Davies
Yeah, I've kinda forgotten about this blog for a while. Maybe because I was too traumatised by the book I'm going to inflict upon you chapter by chapter. I was thinking of just reviewing this book, but then I realised, there's no way I can explain just how awful I think this book is!
So, here goes:
From the Amazon description: 'It's the early 1990s and Lois, Cerys and Hywel are freshers at university. Lois is the quiet type, Cerys is a complete extrovert and Hywel is an evangelist trying to live up to his parents' high expectations. Full of black humour and dangerous spirit, Freshers is a tale of sex, drugs and rock'n'roll, of leaving home and of finding a whole new world.' That blurb is so cliched sounding that I am amazed anyone could seriously read this, but apparently there is a university that inflicted it on students. (Aberystwyth?)
Freshers is a novel that was originally published in Welsh, and apparently caused a bit of a stir. Being a success in the Welsh-language field (which is not exactly huge), it was reprinted in English by Welsh women's publisher Honno. The publisher describes themselves as 'an independent co-operative press run by women and committed to bringing you the best in Welsh women's writing.' Joanna Davies explains this translation here which ends with one of the most threatening statements I've ever seen:
So, here goes:
From the Amazon description: 'It's the early 1990s and Lois, Cerys and Hywel are freshers at university. Lois is the quiet type, Cerys is a complete extrovert and Hywel is an evangelist trying to live up to his parents' high expectations. Full of black humour and dangerous spirit, Freshers is a tale of sex, drugs and rock'n'roll, of leaving home and of finding a whole new world.' That blurb is so cliched sounding that I am amazed anyone could seriously read this, but apparently there is a university that inflicted it on students. (Aberystwyth?)
Freshers is a novel that was originally published in Welsh, and apparently caused a bit of a stir. Being a success in the Welsh-language field (which is not exactly huge), it was reprinted in English by Welsh women's publisher Honno. The publisher describes themselves as 'an independent co-operative press run by women and committed to bringing you the best in Welsh women's writing.' Joanna Davies explains this translation here which ends with one of the most threatening statements I've ever seen:
'My next plan of action is to make Freshers the movie'
HELP!
Anyway, let's start with Chapter 1.
Each chapter is subdivided into first person narratives from each character. So let's being with Joanna. I mean Lois. I mean Mary-Sue.
LOIS:
Lois is a nerd! She's a nerd because of her 'frenzied Eisteffod going.' Eisteddfod, for all my eurotrashy friends, is a Welsh language culture festival. I've no idea if Welsh speakers regard it as nerdy or a Welsh-language piss-up. I'm not sure Davies does either, but apparently 'it had been amazing fun. Plenty of booze and plenty of laughs... an opportunity to flirt with boys!' So, it's a nerdy Welsh-language piss-up! Dunno what she's bothered about.
Oh wait, yeah, She's a virgin! An 18 year old VIRGIN! 'Lois was still reluctantly in possession of her innocence.' In Davies's interview she says the translation added 20,000 words (!) to the novel. That sentence, and pretty much the next three chapters probably explain where they went! VIRGIN! VIRGIN. SHE'S A VIRGIN.
The rest of this chapter is just pointless drivel about her mum, who's like you know, boring and uncool, and cries about her leaving and it's all just so nice! Lois is a nice lovely virgin girl from a nice lovely lovely family, and her best friend is Cerys.
CERYS:
Cerys is a whore. She's introduced her admiring herself and her sexy red hot pants that she's convinced her parents to get her (since she's the daughter of an absent father [DADDY ISSUES!!!] and a Cool Mom!
Anyway, trying on another outfit, we get a more coherent idea of her unfathomable, and frankly hideous, 1991 fashion:
'A thigh high leather mini-dress slashed from the neck to the navel. With her cowboy boots and denim jacket this was another sure-fire man magnet.'
Yeah, er... if you're a hooker. That description is basically plagiarising Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman, WITH the Hooker thing:
Cerys has an entire wardrobe of outfits presumably like this. Which she's going to wear as a student in Aberyswyth. I salute this girl. She is amazing! Because Aberystwyth, and I know this for a fact, is FUCKING FREEZING! Cerys's body is genuinely amazing, because she can wear outfits like this in Wales, and apparently she isn't suffering from hypothermia.
And this is my first major problem with the novel. Our two main characters are a Virgin Mary Sue and a Whore. This novel was published in 2010, by a women's publisher. And yet, our two main characters represent the overused Virgin/Whore Dichotomy of female characters in culture that was outdated even in the 20th century. This was written by a woman. But these are not real women. This isn't any woman you've ever met in real life. This is a fantasy character. A male fantasy character too. This isn't 'a bit of dramatic license.' This is just poor, cliched, characterisation.
HYWEL
He's a Christian Stereotype, but in WALES.
onto Chapter 2
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