Belarus, again, presumably for keeps this time, unless Alyona Lanskaya starts a revolution and overthrows the president.
Actually, this is a better song than the first song chosen. So, er.... democracy blows? Never let the people choose, they make bad choices. See, this song fucks with your political morality!
Israel. Now, they can't be bothered with those damn voting processes at all. No overlong national finals, no ridiculous voting processes. Just screw-you-people-we-don't-care-what-you-want internal selections.
And I like this. It's quirky, indie, cheery and cute. Israel are also screwing with your political morality in Eurovision. Let's move on quickly before someone mentions Palestine... quickly
Macedonia. More internal selections. Macedonia doesn't care. Who do you think they are? Greece? NO SERIOUSLY! Do you think they're GREECE?
Oh, it's another song where they start out as a piano ballad and then BOOM it's gone, and it changes into something else. They're bucksfizzing instruments a lot in Eurovision in this year's finals.Seriously, that is getting so old! I am now suspicion of all pianos in Eurovision performances, alongside two-piece outfits. This song was going fine until that happened.
Bulgaria: Oh, Bulgaria, you started out so well. What's happened? This one? It's called Love Unlimited which makes me think of 2 Unlimited, who are a Eurovision entry that never was. That similarity seems appropriate, since Bulgaria's entry is equally short on lyrics, and has opted to get around that by... singing it in lots of different languages. I cannot decide if I find that bad, bad in a good way, or awesome. At the moment, I'm thinking just bad, and LAZY! Anyone can google translate i love you into different languages! Seriously, write some lyrics!
And this was the result of a public vote. Oh dear, democracy is not having a good show here.
Today my flat has been overrun with people sawing into the floor and drilling and other racket. And I was reminded of those awful eurovision entries that seem like something went wrong and you can't bear to listen to, they just hurt so much.
So here are ten eurovision entries that came out really badly in the end, humiliating themselves and their nation's taste in music forever. I've excluded the 'funny' and deliberately awful entries here, like Ping Pong's Sameach, 90% of Norway's output (I mean, they were being deliberately bad throughout the 70s, werent they? Weren't they?), and most of the 80s, cos the 80s weren't kind to anyone.
Don't play the videos, just take my word, they're bad.
10: Switzerland, 1967
Most of the really awful entries are quite recent. Probably because most of the worst stuff is forgotten over time. Also, music has changed a lot since the 60s and more singers now are not great live performers, but video stars. So the awful entries from the 1960s are not really bad, just... not well done.
9: Luxembourg, 1984
You know that thing people do in songs when they emote with their arms? I hate it. I really hate it! Like 10, this probably isn't truly horrendous, just under-rehearsed.
8: United Kingdom, 2007.
This is probably in tune, actually.It's too awful in general to tell.
This song should have, and would have, been last in the contest that year had it not been for....
7: Ireland, 2007
Sigh. Oh Dervish. What have you done. If you hadn't been atrociously awful, then RTE wouldn't have come to the conclusion that all traditional stuff is awful and they must do something modern. It's their fault we must now suffer Jedward. Twice (most probably, sigh.) Take the tin whistle and the bodhran and shove them up your arse! Oh, and, generally, it's a bad idea to include lyrics in your Eurovision that list eurovision countries or capitals.
6: Croatia, 2006
This might be a joke entry. I dunno. I can believe that someone would sing a song about how much they love their stiletto heels. Just, probably not this one. This song hurts more than a stiletto in the eye.
That outfit too! Good God! And no one should ever remove items of clothing in the eurovision again.
5: Moldova, 2006
On the subject of removing clothes for effect, this lot should be careful, or they may face criminal charges for public indecency.
4: Macedonia, 2000
One of the first of that awful era in the noughties where everyone was trying to do a Britney Spears type thing, and everyone wore hideous pastels and tube-tops. Fortunately the likes of Tatu and later Lordi, to much greater effect, put an end to the really hideous pop entries. But between 1999 and 2002, oh god, the Eurovision was bad!
3: Spain, 1983
Infamously bad, this one is on pretty much every worst eurovision entries list. Even if you allow for the Spanishness of the song. The singing is probably better with some Spanish guitar and flamenco dancing around it, not a very flat 80s backing track that sounds like its in a seperate song.
2: Bulgaria, 2009
You know, I actually liked this song in the run-up to the contest. It's very dancey. But oh, oh god, did this go wrong. The guy, I think, is ok, but the backing singers, OH GOD!!!! STOP. All of you are too loud, too shoutey singing too many different things and when they sing together, AAAARGH!
1: UK, 2003
Bulgaria is probably worse, but I think that individually those people can probably sing, and I'm always sad that song didn't go better. Jemini though? Bwaahahahahaa. Oh God, the UK getting 0 points? The biggest, flounciest, sorest losers of all the nations, didn't get anything. Not even from Ireland (at least Dervish managed to get points from someone). This song's failure was so delicious because of how arrogant the UK and snotty the UK tends to be about other countries entries. As a friend once said, the problem with the UK in the competition is that they don't take it seriously enough to send their biggest stars, but they don't enjoy the fun of the game enough to be really silly! So they end up with stuff like this. This disaster was blamed on block-voting, politics, technical faults, when, really, they just didn't try!
Why do so many of the worst songs also have the worst costumes?
I do feel slightly bad for the people who fail in the Eurovision, though. It must be career-wrecking and unbearably humiliating to be awful in front of 100 million people across the world. Probably worse than being one of those weirdos on things like The X Factor. I mean, those people at best need to get some singing lessons, and at worst are self-entitled deluded nutcases that no amount of reasoning would convince otherwise. The ones at Eurovision? Well, this IS their big moment. They've already fought off hundreds of other songs and performers. So, yeah, it's probably not really funny to laugh at the ones who screw it up.
Except for Scooch. It's totally fine to laugh at them.
