Lys Assia's back, and she's brought her gang.

http://www.eurovisionplattform.sf.tv/videos/all_in_your_head

Oh, God, Switzerland, I Love You! Not only do you have your national final in this very quiet season, providing much needed nourishment for our eurovision appetitie, but you've already given us what will surely be a contender for the prize of 'contestant we feel secondhand embarassment for.'

I genuinely don't think I've ever seen anything so jarring. I actually think there might be two seperate songs here that could work, but together is some weird, highly awkward mess, with some very bad connotations.  Something that makes more sense with pictures (Unfortunately, I don't know how to screencap this without the pause button in the middle. so just go with this.)

So. the bland pop beats begin, and in comes New Jack.

Note the look of not so much excitement as SHEER TERROR!

Here comes Lys Assia. Note the look of not so much excitement as SHEER TERROR!

Lys Assia is down with the kids. She knows the Lingo!

Glasses Jack prays to Lys Assia. Because anyone glowing that much must be Jesus? Right? Lys Assia's expression? Anyone's guess!

The Jack's ponder Lys Assia's expression

"Can we get Ice cream Lys! Can we, CAN WE! PLEASE!"

Seriously, should anyone other than Jesus or angels glow like that?

Lys Assia trying to be... erm... I got nothing here.

Those Shades are probably prescription. She's probably blinded by her own glowiness.

Oh, god, the dancing here! The dancing!

Is she radioactive?

Lys Assia with her crew/gang/posse. GANGSTAS!

Woah, Lys is gonna show us some MOVES!

Or maybe not?

Her facial expression here tells us that she's just realised what's going on?

I just realised, I think there might be a 'message' in this song. :|










'

Bundesvision

This afternoon, thanks to folks on twitter, I have been watching Bundesvision 2012.

http://www.myspass.de/myspass/shows/tvshows/bundesvision-songcontest/Bundesvision-Song-Contest-2012-Teil-3--/10228/


I'd never heard of this before which puts my Eurovision nerdery to shame. So, how did I find a German-language regional mini Eurovision?

In many ways it seemed like a national final for Eurovision. I'm surprised it's not staged later to fit in with the selection for that, but I guess that would take away from the German element of it. If it seems like Germany's Eurovision entries are all a bit Snow Patrol or Lily Allen/Kate Nash for your liking, and miss a good german-language entry (Austria did not  provide this year), this is your show.

Opening to the Eurovision theme, and followed by Stefan Raab's 2000 entry, it's not surprise to find that this is the project of Stefan Raab. Oh Stefan, you'll never leave us!  Will you? WILL YOU?

The songs themselves seemed very much like Eurovision entries, but without the more confining rules that make Eurovision entries somewhat formulaic (6 stage members, 3 minutes long, etc.) As I said, it has a national final vibe, which is probably why it seems a lot less showy than the Eurovision, which has masses of money thrown in. Or it's like 90s Eurovision, where songs seemed more song-like, and there weren't ridiculous stage props and costume changes all over the place.

The voting I find hilarious. Each of the 16 regions of Germany votes in the same way as eurovision with one crucial difference: they can give themselves the 12 points. Which basically means the loser gets to know that they really suck and no one likes them if they end with less than 12 points -- your own region didn't even like you! 

Like Eurovision, there was the usual advantage of performing last, with the winner performing last and second place performing second last. I preferred the second place, Laing, but 'electronica lady sound' is probably more my thing than German Eminem singing for his homies in the Rhine Valley*

Second Place: Laing, 'Morgens immer müde', Saxony

Winner: Xavas, 'Schau nicht mehr zurück' Baden Wurttemberg

*Baden Wurttemberg might well be a real hard place of guns, hos and a hard street life. I don't know, never been there.

Other notables: Saarland's Die Orsons and Cro. 'Horst and Monika' -- Thanks to the video, this song probably the one that makes sense without a knowledge of German.

Vierkanttretlager, 'Fotoalbum'  -- I dunno, I just like this one.

Worst songs: Johanna Zeul from Saxony-Anhalt and Cris Cosmo from Hesse. Johanna was just poor (I can't find decent live performances, but the full show is linked at the top)  while Cris Cosmo clearly thinks he's in a more exciting band.

Malmo or Copenhagen

http://www.eurovision.tv/page/news?id=malmoe_to_host_eurovision_2013

It's so nice of Sweden to chose a host city that gives us two city options to stay in. It also means that "Är Öresundsbron den längsta i Europa?" may not be the most useless question I've ever learnt! 

Should it have won: England, 1968

There is no country that's a sorer loser in the Eurovision than the UK. They blame absolutely everything for their failures. Block-voting, war, racism, we've all heard it. 

Oh 1968, can we pretty much point to you as the point where British entries started to get a bit stroppy. Cliff Richard has never let go of this loss, by just one point to to a woman wearing a lampshade.*

Should he have won? Did Spain deserve their win? Should it have been France?

Pfft, no, it should have been Yugoslavia! That's a song! 

But seriously, if Cliff Richard were not significantly more famous than Massiel, and it had been held in the UK that year, I doubt anyone would think 'Congratulations' was the greatest song ever. I quite like 'La, La, La.' It's so sunny and happy, and the lyrics are so easy to remember! La Source, is ok, but I find it so vague as a song.

*Ye gads, 1968 fashions have aged terribly. Look at them! The colour, the shapes, the colours. The glasses, the suits! The RUFFLES! Aargh.

 

Should it have won: UK, 1993

I'm an Irish girl in the UK, and when it comes to Eurovision, I can definitely be accused of being part of the block voting diaspora. RTE, you do try me though. Jedward? Really? Fine, whatever. Jedward a second time? Oh really now, RTE, Ireland isn't devoid of talent.

Now, unless you're very stupid you'd know that Ireland and the UK have a bit of history. I consider the real marker of Ireland doing badly in the Eurovision as whether or not Ireland are doing worse than the UK. Oh Dervish!

In 1993, the competition was between Ireland and UK to the last votes. The very last vote! (Thanks, Malta!*)

But what about Sonia? Did she deserve to win?

Er..... maybe? I'm undecided. Sonia's song just has a slightly cheesy vibe about it that I think would never have made it a winner. It also does seem kinda dated for 1993. When you hear that the songwriter was thinking of Wham when he wrote it, a band who'd last been in the charts 7 years earlier, you're not really on the cutting edge. But then, Niamh's entry was not all that innovative either. She was though a better singer. Which is probably what made it so close.

And it was very close. Had it been any country other than the UK it would have been considered a success. That's really the UK's biggest problem in Eurovision. Unless it wins, it's a failure. British entrants never seem, no matter what they say, like they're actually just glad to take part. They're fighting for their careers! (Which is why so many British entries this year are has-beens like Blue, or nobodies who can be forgotten after, Josh Dubovie and Jade Ewen, to a lesser degree. Dincky was an exception in that, as a 76 year old international performer since the 60s, he really didn't have had anything to lose. Would Cheryl Cole risk losing Eurovision?)


*this sort of thing is what they want to happen nowadays with randomly ordering the votes, but the dynamic of the contest has changed to make it unlikely that it would ever be so tense now!

Should it have won: France, 1991

So, with the reveal of the voting breakdown of jury and televote this year, it was interesting to see how very close it would have been if the Juries weren't voting, and also, how far from a win Russia would have been. I still remain mystified how that came second. 

But it made me think about other entries that came second, and which ones should have one.

So, this is the first in an occassional whenever I can be arsed series of posts to pad out the absence of Eurovision from our lives till September (when Switzerland will start the process again) 

Beginning with.... France, Amina, Le Dernier Qui Parle, 1991, second to Sweden. 

How close was this to winning? It tied! This is, since 1970 (when they decided to make ONE winner!) the only occasion there has been a tie. And, oh, what a tough break for this one. Carola's late 80s pop number holds nothing against this. The slight african sound to the song works really well, and strangely, makes it seem more French (for some reason it always makes me think of the soundtrack to Betty Blue) and it still holds up in many ways today. Even Amina's clothes would fit on a 2012 stage. Carola's song, style and even her dancing look so late 80s. Amina's entry is massively underrated and France have never really reached the same heights since. 

Should it have won? DEFINITELY! 

Yella

I have to admit, whenever BBC Four and iPlayer list a foreign film, a lot of the time, I'm going to watch it.

Sometimes though, I shouldn't bother. Yella, a 2007 German film, is probably the dullest, most predictable thing I've ever seen, which, I'll spoil it for you now because it's too dull to care about. She's been dead the whole time.

At the start of the film her possessive ex-husband drives her off a bridge in a car. She swims ashore and after that her life seems a bit weird. BECAUSE SHE'S OBVIOUSLY DEAD ALREADY! Honestly, since The Sixth Sense, this is such an obvious twist where you see some sort of fatal accident that doesn't seem to have killed someone where it should have. And even this revelation is presented so boringly that you just think, 'what. are we done? Was that it?'

The film before this revelation is so achingly dull. She spends the film doing various accounting stuff with some guy who is a corporate conman, in a sense. The stuff he's doing is way too fucking dull. The film plods around bare corporate offices, bare hotel rooms, bare cars, bare landscapes. It's so constantly bare.

Though it did make me think, if purgatory is wandering around a german techno-industrial landscape talking about corporate sales and accounting, then, my god, i'd better commit some massive sins so that I will never be stuck in such a place. Urgh, just skip right on from this one.