Eurovision nations 2013

I'm not really interested in the world. I only care about Eurovision. If you're not in Eurovision, you don't exist.

So, here's your 2013 Eurovision map.

[EDIT: It's easier to read the map if you open it in a new window/tab]

Oh Portugal, whyyyyyyyyyyyy! Why have you left! I will miss you, and i was rooting for you to win! Don't give up now! It's only been 46 times!

Switzerland's finalists

Switzerland's nationals kicked off back in September but I have no time, and am not quite hardcore enough, to care about all bazillion of Switzerland's future probable non-qualifier of an entry. Except for Lys Assia's loltastic choice. But alas, or praise be, she didn't get through to the final. So, what do we have then? 

1: Anthony Bighead, Do The Monkey

Ooooooooooook. Lets just skip past this certain non-qualifier. 

2: Heilsarmee, You and Me

Probably better to listen to than watch. I think this one would grow on me, it's memorable if a touch repetitive, but I'm unsure about the look of them. They would go they way of Joan Franka, I suspect -- decent song but looks like a joke. 

3: Jessie Ritch, Forever and A Day

Typical Talent Show Runner Up song that's totally boring but shows off the vocals they've been demonstrating for weeks in a show that pretends that singing ability is all there is to it. Bored, bored bored. Boring. Bored. Everyone's going to vote for this aren't they? 

4: Melissa, The Point of No Return

Starts a bit Pet Shop Boys, but then gets a bit generic, then gets a bit boring. Not sure I like the Safura styling. Vagina teasing dresses in beige are foul. But the song could be good, or it could go the way of Je t'adore. Possibly.... 

5: Carrousel, J'avais Rendesvous

La Francaise. Oui, le language! (Yeah, my french is terrible, but this song is not, and suspiciously like France 2007's Rendevous, which I liked. Assuming Sweden don't screw everyone over when the draw is done, it could work. 

6: Nicholas Fraissinet, Leve Toi

Reminds me of Keane. NEVER A RECOMMENDATION!

7: Nill Klemm, title too boring to listen to. 

The way this video starts, I was expecting something more hardcore. Nope, it's a boring guy with a guitar, and dancers who are surely listening to a different song. 

8: Ally, Catch Me

Doesn't inspire much feeling in me. Maybe because it's a bit jazzy, and I just can't stand that. 

9: Chiara Dubey, Bella Sera

Ballad. Unembarassing, but equally unremarkable.

So, I'd go for, Heilsarmee, Melissa, or Carrousel. I'm not convinced any of these could be winners, but these three could manage to stay in the respectable part of the eurovision's musical spectrum. 

Lys Assia's back, and she's brought her gang.

http://www.eurovisionplattform.sf.tv/videos/all_in_your_head

Oh, God, Switzerland, I Love You! Not only do you have your national final in this very quiet season, providing much needed nourishment for our eurovision appetitie, but you've already given us what will surely be a contender for the prize of 'contestant we feel secondhand embarassment for.'

I genuinely don't think I've ever seen anything so jarring. I actually think there might be two seperate songs here that could work, but together is some weird, highly awkward mess, with some very bad connotations.  Something that makes more sense with pictures (Unfortunately, I don't know how to screencap this without the pause button in the middle. so just go with this.)

So. the bland pop beats begin, and in comes New Jack.

Note the look of not so much excitement as SHEER TERROR!

Here comes Lys Assia. Note the look of not so much excitement as SHEER TERROR!

Lys Assia is down with the kids. She knows the Lingo!

Glasses Jack prays to Lys Assia. Because anyone glowing that much must be Jesus? Right? Lys Assia's expression? Anyone's guess!

The Jack's ponder Lys Assia's expression

"Can we get Ice cream Lys! Can we, CAN WE! PLEASE!"

Seriously, should anyone other than Jesus or angels glow like that?

Lys Assia trying to be... erm... I got nothing here.

Those Shades are probably prescription. She's probably blinded by her own glowiness.

Oh, god, the dancing here! The dancing!

Is she radioactive?

Lys Assia with her crew/gang/posse. GANGSTAS!

Woah, Lys is gonna show us some MOVES!

Or maybe not?

Her facial expression here tells us that she's just realised what's going on?

I just realised, I think there might be a 'message' in this song. :|










'

Bundesvision

This afternoon, thanks to folks on twitter, I have been watching Bundesvision 2012.

http://www.myspass.de/myspass/shows/tvshows/bundesvision-songcontest/Bundesvision-Song-Contest-2012-Teil-3--/10228/


I'd never heard of this before which puts my Eurovision nerdery to shame. So, how did I find a German-language regional mini Eurovision?

In many ways it seemed like a national final for Eurovision. I'm surprised it's not staged later to fit in with the selection for that, but I guess that would take away from the German element of it. If it seems like Germany's Eurovision entries are all a bit Snow Patrol or Lily Allen/Kate Nash for your liking, and miss a good german-language entry (Austria did not  provide this year), this is your show.

Opening to the Eurovision theme, and followed by Stefan Raab's 2000 entry, it's not surprise to find that this is the project of Stefan Raab. Oh Stefan, you'll never leave us!  Will you? WILL YOU?

The songs themselves seemed very much like Eurovision entries, but without the more confining rules that make Eurovision entries somewhat formulaic (6 stage members, 3 minutes long, etc.) As I said, it has a national final vibe, which is probably why it seems a lot less showy than the Eurovision, which has masses of money thrown in. Or it's like 90s Eurovision, where songs seemed more song-like, and there weren't ridiculous stage props and costume changes all over the place.

The voting I find hilarious. Each of the 16 regions of Germany votes in the same way as eurovision with one crucial difference: they can give themselves the 12 points. Which basically means the loser gets to know that they really suck and no one likes them if they end with less than 12 points -- your own region didn't even like you! 

Like Eurovision, there was the usual advantage of performing last, with the winner performing last and second place performing second last. I preferred the second place, Laing, but 'electronica lady sound' is probably more my thing than German Eminem singing for his homies in the Rhine Valley*

Second Place: Laing, 'Morgens immer müde', Saxony

Winner: Xavas, 'Schau nicht mehr zurück' Baden Wurttemberg

*Baden Wurttemberg might well be a real hard place of guns, hos and a hard street life. I don't know, never been there.

Other notables: Saarland's Die Orsons and Cro. 'Horst and Monika' -- Thanks to the video, this song probably the one that makes sense without a knowledge of German.

Vierkanttretlager, 'Fotoalbum'  -- I dunno, I just like this one.

Worst songs: Johanna Zeul from Saxony-Anhalt and Cris Cosmo from Hesse. Johanna was just poor (I can't find decent live performances, but the full show is linked at the top)  while Cris Cosmo clearly thinks he's in a more exciting band.

Malmo or Copenhagen

http://www.eurovision.tv/page/news?id=malmoe_to_host_eurovision_2013

It's so nice of Sweden to chose a host city that gives us two city options to stay in. It also means that "Är Öresundsbron den längsta i Europa?" may not be the most useless question I've ever learnt! 

Should it have won: England, 1968

There is no country that's a sorer loser in the Eurovision than the UK. They blame absolutely everything for their failures. Block-voting, war, racism, we've all heard it. 

Oh 1968, can we pretty much point to you as the point where British entries started to get a bit stroppy. Cliff Richard has never let go of this loss, by just one point to to a woman wearing a lampshade.*

Should he have won? Did Spain deserve their win? Should it have been France?

Pfft, no, it should have been Yugoslavia! That's a song! 

But seriously, if Cliff Richard were not significantly more famous than Massiel, and it had been held in the UK that year, I doubt anyone would think 'Congratulations' was the greatest song ever. I quite like 'La, La, La.' It's so sunny and happy, and the lyrics are so easy to remember! La Source, is ok, but I find it so vague as a song.

*Ye gads, 1968 fashions have aged terribly. Look at them! The colour, the shapes, the colours. The glasses, the suits! The RUFFLES! Aargh.

 

Should it have won: UK, 1993

I'm an Irish girl in the UK, and when it comes to Eurovision, I can definitely be accused of being part of the block voting diaspora. RTE, you do try me though. Jedward? Really? Fine, whatever. Jedward a second time? Oh really now, RTE, Ireland isn't devoid of talent.

Now, unless you're very stupid you'd know that Ireland and the UK have a bit of history. I consider the real marker of Ireland doing badly in the Eurovision as whether or not Ireland are doing worse than the UK. Oh Dervish!

In 1993, the competition was between Ireland and UK to the last votes. The very last vote! (Thanks, Malta!*)

But what about Sonia? Did she deserve to win?

Er..... maybe? I'm undecided. Sonia's song just has a slightly cheesy vibe about it that I think would never have made it a winner. It also does seem kinda dated for 1993. When you hear that the songwriter was thinking of Wham when he wrote it, a band who'd last been in the charts 7 years earlier, you're not really on the cutting edge. But then, Niamh's entry was not all that innovative either. She was though a better singer. Which is probably what made it so close.

And it was very close. Had it been any country other than the UK it would have been considered a success. That's really the UK's biggest problem in Eurovision. Unless it wins, it's a failure. British entrants never seem, no matter what they say, like they're actually just glad to take part. They're fighting for their careers! (Which is why so many British entries this year are has-beens like Blue, or nobodies who can be forgotten after, Josh Dubovie and Jade Ewen, to a lesser degree. Dincky was an exception in that, as a 76 year old international performer since the 60s, he really didn't have had anything to lose. Would Cheryl Cole risk losing Eurovision?)


*this sort of thing is what they want to happen nowadays with randomly ordering the votes, but the dynamic of the contest has changed to make it unlikely that it would ever be so tense now!