Monday, 25 February 2013

Why Army of Lovers couldn't get into Eurovision

Even though they totally should be, and everything about them is campy eurotrash, Army Of Lovers would never have shined at Eurovision. Their Melodifestivalen performance emphasised that.

Firstly, these three can't sing live, especially La Camilla who can't even pretend to mime properly, so they would have been so screwed anyway. But it would have been gloriously screwed and host countries shouldn't be making too much effort.  

But also, their biggest hits were 'Crucified' and 'Israelism'. They were trading on 90s disco mashes of heaving breasts and religiosity. 'Crucified' might just pass, but 'Israelism' would never have made it into Eurovision, not even if, or especially if, it were Israel's entry. And sure, Jean-Pierre can wear nothing but a pair of knickers and nipple shields and dry-hump the dancers, but La Camilla can't. Can't have too much sex at the Eurovision, might terrify the young vote, or the old vote, whichever is more sensitive. 

Their song and performance seemed like the effort of a band who'd been asked not to do all the things people like them for, and made them noteworthy in the first place, leaving them with a bland repetitive pop chorus, and disjointed verses from La Camilla and Jean Pierre. Sean Banan's Copacabanana already got this year's comedy spot, but it's a bland, unfilling bit of crap (much like bananas - I don't like banana's.) Army of Lovers though, have a bit more depth to them, and mainstream pop doesn't suit them A sparkly vagina cross couldn't suffice. We wanted so much more, and didn't, or couldn't get it. 



On a positive note,  Jean-Pierre and La Camilla are the only people who ever looked better for dressing like they were still 20 somethings, and Army of Lovers could still be something. In a place that doesn't have rules about brand names, religion, and is totally fine with same-sex kissing


Now they're out, there's nothing worth noting about Sweden this year, it's just a push to make Ulrik Munther a star, which urgh, pass me the sick bag. 

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