Eurovision competitors so far

Well, I've taken so long to getting around to the current crop of confirmed eurovision entries because, well, they're all kinda unremarkable. I just don't have much to say about it. 

Let's round it up

Switzerland: 'You and Me' - whatever Heilsarmee are now called.

Since I always thought the dorkiest and cringiest part of this song was the Salvation Army aspect, the fact that the EBU have prevented that makes this song a bit better. I mean, it's still twee and kinda preachy, but it's not a man dressed as a monkey or an 88 year old's attempt to be cool. Plus, with Bosnia and Turkey, both generally certain qualifiers, out of the picture, it's possible this song might pick up some votes in a good spot. How do the Swiss get on with Sweden? 

Belgium: 'Love Kills', Roberto Bellarosa.

This guy really can't sing. Which is a shame, there seems like an ok song underneath his flat scratchy voice. An OK song, though, probably not a qualifier. Oh, Belgium. 

Albania: 'Identitet', Adrian Lulgjuraj & Bledar Sejko

I've nothing to say about this song. I've forgotten this song literally while writing this comment. All I will ever now think of with Albania is this: 

Albania, bless you, for making this map of Albania, Kosovo and Montenegro, and giving me the biggest laugh ever. Bless whoever in the graphic studio decided to not included the serbian, macedonian and greek borders around them. And bless my computer's 'prt sc' button. 

Lithuania: 'Something' - Andrius Pojavis

For consistency he should avoid the usual anglicising of his name for the international audience, and just rename himself 'Someone.' The song is actually not too bad, indie pop not dissimiliar to The Killers, but it has one of the worst recent cliches of Eurovision entries: the SUPERFLUOUS DANCERS. What the fuck are they doing back there? Why is she doing weight training exercises? Wouldn't just some guitarists and drummers be better? He's got a quirky enough look by himself, let's not overdo it. 

Ukraine: 'Gravity'  - Zlata Ognevich

Since Ukraine's one of those irritating guaranteed qualifiers, does anyone care. This songs a bit pointless and forgettable for them, full of insufferable cliches and some questionable english, but they're qualifiers for sure, so, whatever, I don't care. Bring back the hamster wheels and centurions. 

The Ukraine will definitely qualify. Albania and Belgium are forgettable. Lithuania may qualify, though I think it should lose the quirkiness and just go as an indie song, and Switzerland, well, I'm not so sure. This could well get into the final. I mean, it's not a winner, and it'll probably come last, but it might well scrape into the final. I mean, it's not like San Marino are gonna threaten their chances.... unless....

*sees a faint sign on the horizon of an old lady with a skateboard*

.... Uh oh...

Alyona Lanskaya will not be defeated again

Belarus's national final was tonight, but it's hard to get excited about their songs because the past few years have been such a mess. Last year (in Eurovision years, not real-life ones) Alyona's song was overruled by the president for voting discrepancies, in 2011 the fabulous 'Born in Belarussia' was disqualified for being too old, in 2010 3+2 (the worst band name) changed songs for.... some reason that no one remembers or cares about. Belarus are a country that has an awful lot of drama picking its songs for a country that has only qualified for the final twice since 2004.


So, this is what Belarus have picked. In December. For a contest in May.

Since I wasn't paying attention to who the contestants were, I didn't know that this was last years disqualified winner. She has an uphill struggle with this song, if it stays, since it seems like people are suspicious about her spectacular scoring in the final (3rd song performed out of 10??? A unanimous vote? O RLY???) But you know, I like this song, it's catchy, not completely irritating as dance tracks can often be. It reminds me a bit of Albania's entry in 2009.

I don't think it's a winner, and I imagine the Swedes will put it in one of the death slots, but its decent enough.

 Democracy doesn't always work with music. Most people have appalling taste.

Eurovision nations 2013

I'm not really interested in the world. I only care about Eurovision. If you're not in Eurovision, you don't exist.

So, here's your 2013 Eurovision map.

[EDIT: It's easier to read the map if you open it in a new window/tab]

Oh Portugal, whyyyyyyyyyyyy! Why have you left! I will miss you, and i was rooting for you to win! Don't give up now! It's only been 46 times!

Switzerland's finalists

Switzerland's nationals kicked off back in September but I have no time, and am not quite hardcore enough, to care about all bazillion of Switzerland's future probable non-qualifier of an entry. Except for Lys Assia's loltastic choice. But alas, or praise be, she didn't get through to the final. So, what do we have then? 

1: Anthony Bighead, Do The Monkey

Ooooooooooook. Lets just skip past this certain non-qualifier. 

2: Heilsarmee, You and Me

Probably better to listen to than watch. I think this one would grow on me, it's memorable if a touch repetitive, but I'm unsure about the look of them. They would go they way of Joan Franka, I suspect -- decent song but looks like a joke. 

3: Jessie Ritch, Forever and A Day

Typical Talent Show Runner Up song that's totally boring but shows off the vocals they've been demonstrating for weeks in a show that pretends that singing ability is all there is to it. Bored, bored bored. Boring. Bored. Everyone's going to vote for this aren't they? 

4: Melissa, The Point of No Return

Starts a bit Pet Shop Boys, but then gets a bit generic, then gets a bit boring. Not sure I like the Safura styling. Vagina teasing dresses in beige are foul. But the song could be good, or it could go the way of Je t'adore. Possibly.... 

5: Carrousel, J'avais Rendesvous

La Francaise. Oui, le language! (Yeah, my french is terrible, but this song is not, and suspiciously like France 2007's Rendevous, which I liked. Assuming Sweden don't screw everyone over when the draw is done, it could work. 

6: Nicholas Fraissinet, Leve Toi

Reminds me of Keane. NEVER A RECOMMENDATION!

7: Nill Klemm, title too boring to listen to. 

The way this video starts, I was expecting something more hardcore. Nope, it's a boring guy with a guitar, and dancers who are surely listening to a different song. 

8: Ally, Catch Me

Doesn't inspire much feeling in me. Maybe because it's a bit jazzy, and I just can't stand that. 

9: Chiara Dubey, Bella Sera

Ballad. Unembarassing, but equally unremarkable.

So, I'd go for, Heilsarmee, Melissa, or Carrousel. I'm not convinced any of these could be winners, but these three could manage to stay in the respectable part of the eurovision's musical spectrum. 

Lys Assia's back, and she's brought her gang.

http://www.eurovisionplattform.sf.tv/videos/all_in_your_head

Oh, God, Switzerland, I Love You! Not only do you have your national final in this very quiet season, providing much needed nourishment for our eurovision appetitie, but you've already given us what will surely be a contender for the prize of 'contestant we feel secondhand embarassment for.'

I genuinely don't think I've ever seen anything so jarring. I actually think there might be two seperate songs here that could work, but together is some weird, highly awkward mess, with some very bad connotations.  Something that makes more sense with pictures (Unfortunately, I don't know how to screencap this without the pause button in the middle. so just go with this.)

So. the bland pop beats begin, and in comes New Jack.

Note the look of not so much excitement as SHEER TERROR!

Here comes Lys Assia. Note the look of not so much excitement as SHEER TERROR!

Lys Assia is down with the kids. She knows the Lingo!

Glasses Jack prays to Lys Assia. Because anyone glowing that much must be Jesus? Right? Lys Assia's expression? Anyone's guess!

The Jack's ponder Lys Assia's expression

"Can we get Ice cream Lys! Can we, CAN WE! PLEASE!"

Seriously, should anyone other than Jesus or angels glow like that?

Lys Assia trying to be... erm... I got nothing here.

Those Shades are probably prescription. She's probably blinded by her own glowiness.

Oh, god, the dancing here! The dancing!

Is she radioactive?

Lys Assia with her crew/gang/posse. GANGSTAS!

Woah, Lys is gonna show us some MOVES!

Or maybe not?

Her facial expression here tells us that she's just realised what's going on?

I just realised, I think there might be a 'message' in this song. :|










'

Bundesvision

This afternoon, thanks to folks on twitter, I have been watching Bundesvision 2012.

http://www.myspass.de/myspass/shows/tvshows/bundesvision-songcontest/Bundesvision-Song-Contest-2012-Teil-3--/10228/


I'd never heard of this before which puts my Eurovision nerdery to shame. So, how did I find a German-language regional mini Eurovision?

In many ways it seemed like a national final for Eurovision. I'm surprised it's not staged later to fit in with the selection for that, but I guess that would take away from the German element of it. If it seems like Germany's Eurovision entries are all a bit Snow Patrol or Lily Allen/Kate Nash for your liking, and miss a good german-language entry (Austria did not  provide this year), this is your show.

Opening to the Eurovision theme, and followed by Stefan Raab's 2000 entry, it's not surprise to find that this is the project of Stefan Raab. Oh Stefan, you'll never leave us!  Will you? WILL YOU?

The songs themselves seemed very much like Eurovision entries, but without the more confining rules that make Eurovision entries somewhat formulaic (6 stage members, 3 minutes long, etc.) As I said, it has a national final vibe, which is probably why it seems a lot less showy than the Eurovision, which has masses of money thrown in. Or it's like 90s Eurovision, where songs seemed more song-like, and there weren't ridiculous stage props and costume changes all over the place.

The voting I find hilarious. Each of the 16 regions of Germany votes in the same way as eurovision with one crucial difference: they can give themselves the 12 points. Which basically means the loser gets to know that they really suck and no one likes them if they end with less than 12 points -- your own region didn't even like you! 

Like Eurovision, there was the usual advantage of performing last, with the winner performing last and second place performing second last. I preferred the second place, Laing, but 'electronica lady sound' is probably more my thing than German Eminem singing for his homies in the Rhine Valley*

Second Place: Laing, 'Morgens immer müde', Saxony

Winner: Xavas, 'Schau nicht mehr zurück' Baden Wurttemberg

*Baden Wurttemberg might well be a real hard place of guns, hos and a hard street life. I don't know, never been there.

Other notables: Saarland's Die Orsons and Cro. 'Horst and Monika' -- Thanks to the video, this song probably the one that makes sense without a knowledge of German.

Vierkanttretlager, 'Fotoalbum'  -- I dunno, I just like this one.

Worst songs: Johanna Zeul from Saxony-Anhalt and Cris Cosmo from Hesse. Johanna was just poor (I can't find decent live performances, but the full show is linked at the top)  while Cris Cosmo clearly thinks he's in a more exciting band.

Malmo or Copenhagen

http://www.eurovision.tv/page/news?id=malmoe_to_host_eurovision_2013

It's so nice of Sweden to chose a host city that gives us two city options to stay in. It also means that "Är Öresundsbron den längsta i Europa?" may not be the most useless question I've ever learnt! 

Should it have won: England, 1968

There is no country that's a sorer loser in the Eurovision than the UK. They blame absolutely everything for their failures. Block-voting, war, racism, we've all heard it. 

Oh 1968, can we pretty much point to you as the point where British entries started to get a bit stroppy. Cliff Richard has never let go of this loss, by just one point to to a woman wearing a lampshade.*

Should he have won? Did Spain deserve their win? Should it have been France?

Pfft, no, it should have been Yugoslavia! That's a song! 

But seriously, if Cliff Richard were not significantly more famous than Massiel, and it had been held in the UK that year, I doubt anyone would think 'Congratulations' was the greatest song ever. I quite like 'La, La, La.' It's so sunny and happy, and the lyrics are so easy to remember! La Source, is ok, but I find it so vague as a song.

*Ye gads, 1968 fashions have aged terribly. Look at them! The colour, the shapes, the colours. The glasses, the suits! The RUFFLES! Aargh.

 

Should it have won: UK, 1993

I'm an Irish girl in the UK, and when it comes to Eurovision, I can definitely be accused of being part of the block voting diaspora. RTE, you do try me though. Jedward? Really? Fine, whatever. Jedward a second time? Oh really now, RTE, Ireland isn't devoid of talent.

Now, unless you're very stupid you'd know that Ireland and the UK have a bit of history. I consider the real marker of Ireland doing badly in the Eurovision as whether or not Ireland are doing worse than the UK. Oh Dervish!

In 1993, the competition was between Ireland and UK to the last votes. The very last vote! (Thanks, Malta!*)

But what about Sonia? Did she deserve to win?

Er..... maybe? I'm undecided. Sonia's song just has a slightly cheesy vibe about it that I think would never have made it a winner. It also does seem kinda dated for 1993. When you hear that the songwriter was thinking of Wham when he wrote it, a band who'd last been in the charts 7 years earlier, you're not really on the cutting edge. But then, Niamh's entry was not all that innovative either. She was though a better singer. Which is probably what made it so close.

And it was very close. Had it been any country other than the UK it would have been considered a success. That's really the UK's biggest problem in Eurovision. Unless it wins, it's a failure. British entrants never seem, no matter what they say, like they're actually just glad to take part. They're fighting for their careers! (Which is why so many British entries this year are has-beens like Blue, or nobodies who can be forgotten after, Josh Dubovie and Jade Ewen, to a lesser degree. Dincky was an exception in that, as a 76 year old international performer since the 60s, he really didn't have had anything to lose. Would Cheryl Cole risk losing Eurovision?)


*this sort of thing is what they want to happen nowadays with randomly ordering the votes, but the dynamic of the contest has changed to make it unlikely that it would ever be so tense now!

Should it have won: France, 1991

So, with the reveal of the voting breakdown of jury and televote this year, it was interesting to see how very close it would have been if the Juries weren't voting, and also, how far from a win Russia would have been. I still remain mystified how that came second. 

But it made me think about other entries that came second, and which ones should have one.

So, this is the first in an occassional whenever I can be arsed series of posts to pad out the absence of Eurovision from our lives till September (when Switzerland will start the process again) 

Beginning with.... France, Amina, Le Dernier Qui Parle, 1991, second to Sweden. 

How close was this to winning? It tied! This is, since 1970 (when they decided to make ONE winner!) the only occasion there has been a tie. And, oh, what a tough break for this one. Carola's late 80s pop number holds nothing against this. The slight african sound to the song works really well, and strangely, makes it seem more French (for some reason it always makes me think of the soundtrack to Betty Blue) and it still holds up in many ways today. Even Amina's clothes would fit on a 2012 stage. Carola's song, style and even her dancing look so late 80s. Amina's entry is massively underrated and France have never really reached the same heights since. 

Should it have won? DEFINITELY! 

Yella

I have to admit, whenever BBC Four and iPlayer list a foreign film, a lot of the time, I'm going to watch it.

Sometimes though, I shouldn't bother. Yella, a 2007 German film, is probably the dullest, most predictable thing I've ever seen, which, I'll spoil it for you now because it's too dull to care about. She's been dead the whole time.

At the start of the film her possessive ex-husband drives her off a bridge in a car. She swims ashore and after that her life seems a bit weird. BECAUSE SHE'S OBVIOUSLY DEAD ALREADY! Honestly, since The Sixth Sense, this is such an obvious twist where you see some sort of fatal accident that doesn't seem to have killed someone where it should have. And even this revelation is presented so boringly that you just think, 'what. are we done? Was that it?'

The film before this revelation is so achingly dull. She spends the film doing various accounting stuff with some guy who is a corporate conman, in a sense. The stuff he's doing is way too fucking dull. The film plods around bare corporate offices, bare hotel rooms, bare cars, bare landscapes. It's so constantly bare.

Though it did make me think, if purgatory is wandering around a german techno-industrial landscape talking about corporate sales and accounting, then, my god, i'd better commit some massive sins so that I will never be stuck in such a place. Urgh, just skip right on from this one.

Delicatessen

I've just started learning French. Yay for me! I have to assume that French people are really good at maths, because learning numbers in French is so complicated.

Anyway, this week, I've been watching French films. There's so many of them. This should be very helpful for learning a language.

So which one did I watch?

Set in a post-apocalyptic future, Delicatessen involves an apartment block advertising for random strangers to come and 'work' doing oddjobs in the building, as a cover for their intentions to eat them. A former circus performer named Louisson turns up, and the building's quirky tenants (if you saw his more famous film Amelie, then you know what to expect here) are gradually torn apart by his ongoing presence.

At times the film seems to be a repetition of quirk, quirk, quirk, more QUIRKS! Vive le France! The plot somehow doesn't quite follow, and there are a few plot points that don't really get explained (what is he stashing the corn for? What happened to the one-legged guy? Why is that guy hogging all the snails and frog legs* and why didn't they just off him? How is he able to maintain that enviroment if nothing can grow? Where is all the TV coming from? If everyone seems to eat each other, how come Louisson seems so unaware of the reason he's there? Is Aurore's suicidal cycle because there's no cheese -- I would have killed myself when the Boursin was gone. I love that stuff!) while the climax seems a bit rushed.

It's the sort of film that I think you would find enjoyable once or twice, but which eventually would sort of wind you up (as Amelie does when you've seen it quite a lot).

*or is that one of those typical foreign film scenes where someone has to eat some unusual national delicacy so the audience will go 'WTF IS HE EATING???!!!' See also Jar City's takeaway sheep head

Jagoda in the Supermarket

Now that Eurovision is over till at least September I really do have to blog about something else. So... let's watch some foreign films from Eurovision nations.

You know, ever since A Serbian Film, it's hard to google for 'serbian films' without getting that. And while I'm keen to see more foreign films, there is a line. Even though I've seen plays like Blasted and watched The Human Centipede, I feel like the plot of that film is enough to go on with for the rest of my life. (and the Phelous review of it pretty much explained it too)

So... what Serbian film did I find to watch?

Jagoda in the Supermarket

I found this film with english subtitles on youtube, and I don't think the subtitles were the greatest, so perhaps this film is funnier if you can find a better copy, or maybe it does just all seem a little flat. The plotline is basically that Jagoda, a checkout assistant in an American Supermarket called Yugo-American, refuses to serve an old lady whose son comes and takes everyone in the store hostage as revenge. Gradually they fall in love with each other and everyone rants about consumerist culture. Outside there is a satire of politics and military action going on, that probably makes more sense if you're from Yugoslavia. Teh Interwebz says this film is set in post-war Yugoslavia, which has the somewhat unhelpful element of confusing me as to what country we're actually in. I'm gonna assume it's Serbia, but I really don't know enough to tell the difference. The film ends with the two as some kind of national heroes for holding out against the various military squads trying to get them out, who mostly collapse in a slapstick fashion.

The best part of the film is probably the brass band who are at various interludes playing The Clash's Lost in the Supermarket. How very appropriate. 

So, there, a slightly odd film from Serbia that isn't A Serbian Film. 

2012: The best top ten for languages

In 2012, despite Sweden's English language-win the year''s top ten was one of the best in recent years for foreign language entries, with 5/12 of the songs being in their own language, counting Russia's entry as a Russian language entry ("Party for Everybody, Dance" is not the most stunning use of English.)

Serbia have continued to be the most successful country in their own language, while Albania scored their best result. Estonia also seem to be scoring better with their own language than English.

Ott Lepland. Nothing to look at here...

Does this mean anything though? Not really? After all, 2007's Serbian win is still an oddity in the current trend. But we can dream and hope ESCToday don't steal this observation for an article topic on their site in a couple of months. 

Eurovision 2012: pretty much as expected

Last year, everyone thought it was silly that I would use a free online language course to learn Swedish. 'What will you ever do with Swedish?' Traffas ni i Stockholm nasta ar!  :D
Much like 2009, in the end it became a very predictable affair with the winners.

In fact, it was more surprising how the rest of the scoreboard went, with the biggest surprise, to me at least, being Norway's last place. As soon as this was revealed, I just knew he was the tiebreaker for 10th place in the semi final. I'm equally surprised that he was a tiebreaker with Bulgaria (an underrated entry). What went wrong though? Was is it that he was too much like Eric Saade from last year? The song was very much Eurovision, as it is recently, and being typical of current chart fare. So I'm gonna go with him being Eric Saade 2. Sorry, it really was hard not to notice it. (I hope, for the sake of humanity, that it wasn't because of  hateful white-supremacist articles about the notion of Norway being represented by a gay muslim.)

Other big favourites, in Ireland, Denmark, and the UK, also failed in the end to make an impression in the end. The UK doesn't seem terribly surprising, being performed first. Engelbert's failure is indicative though of the UK's wider detachment from the rest of Europe.

RTE, next year, no more Jedward. The reality is, they're just not that good. I mean, they're better, but they're still not great, and those outfits were ridiculous, and that fountain seemed a bit random. I mean, if you're going to get Jedward wet, this was what you should have gone for

I expect that Ireland will go back to ballad's next year. Ireland's just too conservative to do something really cool, and no one cool watches The Late Late Show, unless they have a nerd crush on Ryan Tubridy. *ahem*

To an extent, Jedward's loss was much the same as everyones. Loreen's victory soaked up most of the points, followed by Russia (WHY????), meaning what was left got spread among predictable blocs, so the non-bloc countries, like France (equal opportunities eye candy) and Ireland, just kinda fell to the bottom of the scoreboard.

And in the end, it was Trackshittaz that came last in the loltastic first semi-final, only managing 8 points.  And Belgium rightly came second last. I really hated that song. Slovakia came last in the second semi-final meaning that I don't know anything, and people aren't voting for a rock entry. Sigh.

Semi Final 2

Watching it on the BBC, the worst part of the show would have to again be the commentary. Sara Cox's 90s laddette humour is more pathetic everytime you see it. Their humour seemed to be limited to 'foreign countries are funny!', as exemplified by the comment 'Baku? It sounds like the name of an IKEA table lamp' and Cox's idiotic attempts at trying to say good luck in Icelandic. Scott Mills began a weird and somewhat bigoted twitter speculation on whether contestants were 'gay and european.' (why would their being 'european' be questioned? This is a european contest.  The United Kingdom is in Europe too)as if their sexuality and nationality needed to be very clearly established.

Terrible BBC commentary aside, there's not much to really comment on in last night's semi. Everyone who got through was pretty much who was expected to get through, with the exception possibly of Malta.
Even the post-show draw didn't throw any curveballs, with favourites Sweden and Serbia occupying the 'winners corner' of the last half. The most interesting thing about it is the news that there was a tie for the tenth position in  last nights semi. 

So, with the semi finals being profoundly unshocking, the final may well go the same way. One of the disadvantages of the tightly-placed semis and final is that there's no room for changes, so we've already seen everything. Plus, the internet coverage of rehearsals provides massive spoilers for everything (even costumes aren't secret.)

It's almost a deterrent.

Semi 1: first thoughts

So.... for a second there, it seemed like there might be a twist and Ireland wouldn't make it through. There did seem something amusing about Sad Jedward. But after some pointless padding by Azerbaijan, and a scan around a lot of very broken-looking performers in the green room, Jedward made the 10 was made up of the ten mostly already expected to get through, who were:

Russia
Moldova
Romania
Greece
Cyprus
Ireland
Hungary
Iceland
Albania
Denmark.


I thought Greece would flop out, but they managed to stick it out. The power of flicky hair and tiny skirts. Actually, her and Cyprus were definitely battling for wardrobe malfunctions (Ivi's dress had some very awkward cleavage. I hope them and Romania all draw together in the final.

Montenegro, Latvia, San Marino, Austria: I don't think anyone expected them to qualify. I think Israel should have had Hungary's place, a song that I can never remember no matter how many times I hear it.

Russia though? SERIOUSLY? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU????? THAT SONG IS TERRIBLE! And Moldova? I am very concerned about everyone's taste.

Everyone seems to hate Albania. Personally, I like it. I'm glad to see the back of Belgium (that opening shot where her dress was see-through seemed soooo wrong for a 17 year old.)

So, I think we can expect the second semi-final to go as predictably as this one. Yawn. If I wasn't a big fan, I'd just skip past it.

Worst part of the show? None of the songs but the BBC commentary. Urgh, my god, not only are they utterly dull but those boring half-audible interval interviews were clearly at the expense of something FAR MORE INTERESTING ON THE STAGE!!!!

Second worst part of the show? Eldar, my god, he has no charisma, and has anyone struggled so much to read a cue card? I know English probably isn't his first language but that was so stiff. Well, when you could make it out over Scott Mills and Sara Cox jabbering on.

Eurovision: 1912

The other day I had a conversation about how many countries are in the Eurovision, and how it'd be a lot less if it were 1912:

Following last years victory by Mr. Eldar and Mrs Nigar, this years contest will be held in the capital of the Russian Empire, St Petersburg. They will be represented by the young singer Mr Donald Montell. 

Making it's debut in Eurovision this year is the Kingdom of Serbia, represented by Zeljko Joksimovic, singing a ballad about peace in Europe in these troubled times.

Great Britain and Ireland will be represented by brothers John and Edward Grimes, from Dublin, who have been warned not to use the event as a platform to voice Ireland's campaign for independence. Many are unsure if they have the popularity to ensure victory.

The Ottoman Empire has withdrawn from the competition this year, owing to trouble in the region, Bulgaria and Romania have opted not to compete.


Greece has just about managed to compete after economic troubles and political tensions in the region.


Sweden will be represented by Swedish-Finnish singer Miss Pernilla Karlsson with her ballad Nar Jag Blundar, while Denmark will be represented by Icelanders Greta and Jonsi, who have been warned not to use the event as a platform to voice Iceland's campaign for independence. 


San Marino's Miss Monetta is singing a song about typewriters. 




Yep, I really need to get out more.

One DAY!!!!!

Get your sparkly pants ready!

And your clap of disdain with side-eye, courtesy of Pink Belarussian Girl (You'll need it, San Marino are tomorrow)

Decorations up!

Azerbaijan flag, sort of.

Right, it's only two days away so I suppose I should finally get around to giving my opinion on who i think should win, lose etc etc. 

Semi Final One is definitely the fun semi, and since it's inevitable, since it isn't seemingly allowed to be possible that Russia won't qualify, at least something silly will make it to the final. Greece, on the other hand, I think are not so certain a 'certain qualifier', and I think may well go home on Wednesday (and the country probably can't afford hotels till sunday anyway). 

Albania may well scrape through to the final, being all dramatic and serious. But realistically, there's a lot of average and ridiculous stuff in this country, that I think only Denmark, Russia and Ireland are currently certainties. I'm unsure about Iceland because being second kinda sucks. San Marino may not be the biggest loser in this semi, it might even do well (think of the money in making it a success) I still think Latvia has that honour for not being silly enough, and mostly just insipid. 

Semi Final Two then? I'm not sure why so many people think the Ukraine is all that great. But then, I have odd taste. Even though it's last, I'm not convinced that Lithuania will qualify. I don't think anyone genuinely will give Georgia enough to qualify, and honestly, all this 'they're a certain qualifier' stuff does need shaking up. Slovakia might well scrape through with the rock vote, which is increasingly present. I remain forever mixed up with Croatia and Macedonia, and i think it will be the same for the rest of Europe. Serbia and the Scandis are guaranteed (snore), and the rest will likely be the usual suspects. 

The big 6: Italy has the odds now to do the best of the big five. Azerbaijan has never made much of an impression on me, nor has Spain. Germany is a bit sappy, but ok in its way. France... can anyone really tell with France. They always seem to be kinda in a world of their own, doing their own French thing. 

Since this is a year like 2009 with a big favourite leading into it, I'm a bit underwhelmed by it, and actually would like some big shocks and surprises. Since the semi finals came along, the finals have been a bit dull, with the same performances again. It would shake things up massively, considering the superstitions, if Sweden were to end up in spot 2 in the final, so I'm crossing my fingers for that. The hot favourite never seems to end up in that spot! 

It's rehearsals time! YAY!!!

So.... this afternoon/morning/night (depending where you are) rehearsals for Eurovision kicked off.



Now, obviously these are just the first rehearsals so you can't really tell much about the end product, but you can tell a few things... so pretty much regard this post as filled with BIG SPOILERS!!!!


Montenegro:
Disappointingly straight-looking, but there's potential for something ridiculous to come.... I hope. That EuroNeuro banner definitely leaves the potential for hijinks. Is never going to qualify, so yeah... let's move on*

Iceland:
These two are so pro. This song is so cool (in every sense, they're from Iceland!)

Latvia:
Still boring

Greece:
I'm thinking this song is going to flop out like Armenia last year. Eleftheria's only move seems to be to shake her hair around a bit. God, does that look stupid.

Albania:
I'm rooting for this one. Come on, people, this is just the first rehearsal, that woman has pipes!

Romania:
Looks more promising than before, a bit fun.

Switzerland:
It seems like this song has been around forever now. This one was first previewed like last September or so. So if it's not made an impression yet, it never will.

Belgium:
Will never like this song. Annoyingly false. Annoyingly bland, and provides a nice toilet break.

Finland
Still under-rated. Still a bit sappy. Green is a good colour for red-heads.

Not long to go...

till Montenegro trolls and the show begins.

Of all the songs to get drawn first! LOL. Montenegro don't have much luck with these things do they?

Samis will ruin your Eurovision entries

Am I the only one who likes this song... until the Sami appears.

Sequins

Oh, I forgot to keep up the random lyrics of the day. Tooji is mad





shameless gif reuse.

Anyway, I bought a sequin dress to watch the eurovision in 20 days time. :) Because it's not eurovision without someone in sequins. Even the gimps are faabulous.

I think instead of betting on the winner this year because it's apparently Sweden we should bet on the person wearing the most sparkly ridiculous outfit?

Lyrics of the day

I worship Harold Lloyd, I worship Sigmund Freud

And John Wayne and Mark Twain and you and Michael Caine

   

Let's all sing about Socrates, the Hercules of the soul

And about all of those who are desired by all

And who everyone worships and admires

hint: a new entrant in the 80s, the sort of country that probably doesn't plan on winning.

Yesterday's answer was Tipi-tii, Finland's entry in 1962. I think this song's funny.

Favourites

I hate online betting when it comes to to televoting competitions. It unnaturally affects everyone's perception of what is good and bad.

Sweden is currently favourite to win. This has set up in a lot of people's mind the idea that it's amazingly good. So more people bet on it, thinking it's a winner. That makes it a bigger favourite. If tomorrow we all bet on San Marino, that'd be the favourite and everyone will think that's the best song.*

Because it must be surely, everyone's saying it is?

Isn't it?



*or the betting would be stopped as they'd definitely think we were up to something all betting on Valentina Monetta

She'll kill us all in our sleep! 

"You're MAD at the ground!"

This camptastic video of Saade2: Tooji makes me like him just a little. A little. Not enough to like the song or take back calling him dickface. But it has provided me with the perfect Eurovision ragegif!

:D

Lyrics of the day

The spring with happy wings floats for us too
It comes twiddling its sunny hoop
   
La la la... la la la
La la la... la la la la

Hint: Not that lalala song. 

Yesterday's song was Spain's disaster of 1983, 

One month to Eurovision!

It's one more month till the Eurovision victor will be known. I'm hoping it won't be Sweden, because honestly, it's a bit boring to think at this point that we already know.

All this month, I'm going to post random lyrics from the contest. These are all taken from the glorious lyrics site Diggiloo Thrush. I'll start with this gem from the 1980s. You can come guess in comments if you like. There's no prize, it's all just fun and you probably all just googled the answer anyway

Your mother's braids, come on, tell me who

Tell me who braids them, tell me who

Tell me who braids them

Hint: definitely not a winner!

What the Kitty doesn't like...

or a more suitable Eurovision entry for San Marino

I'm just saying!

P.S. My kitteh is gorgeous, even if she is plotting my death.

Obligatory faves post

So, as a eurovision blogger i must name my choice of favourite. That is the routine for the next two months.

My favourite song, that I would listen to outside of eurovision, that i would dance to at clubs with a bottle of wine in me (and more, likely)?

Israel, Izabo, Time
Indie pop goodness!

The ponies know the truth, even if they're pointing to their right

Dincky

Well, obviously it was going to be a ballad! It's not a piano ballad though, which makes me slightly relieved. If I see one more piano...

Musically, it's not that bad, though not something that will set the world alight, or the UK's hopes. The simple guitar gives it an almost Spanish sound, making it seem European without smacking you in the face without making references to various capital cities. The lyrics are a bit cheesy, but it's not repetitively banal.

Of the many things the UK have entered, there's nothing here really to be embarassed by. The fact that he's old seems rather narrow-minded. People don't have to drop off the face of the earth once the flourish of youth is gone. What, does everything think Saade and Tooji won't get old and ugly soon?* Scooch, Jemini and Daz Sampson (OH GOD THAT SONG!) will always be their lowest points.

 

Saade, Young Humperdinck and Tooji

*assuming you don't think they're pretty fug already. 

Belgium: Would You?

A description of Belgium's entry:

Iris doubts the sincerity of her lover. She feels that her relationship has reached a certain, crucial point and is wondering what her boyfriend would do if she left him. Would he miss her, like any other boy would? Or not? 

What? Iris is 17 years old? Who gives a toss if he would miss her or not? You're 17! You couldn't have even had sex for more than a year, legally! Whose relationship are you talking about? 

Seriously, there is a complete disconnect between the lyrics of this song, and the performer. A young girl asking 'What would you do if my house was empty?/ You took my love for granted/ would you really miss me?' What house? You're still in school! How has he taken your love for granted? How can you have even had a lengthy relationship? Why can't you get your dad to go round to his house and give him a slap? 

Seriously, you're not even out of high school! 

 I'm totally passing on this song. Annoyingly false ballad. 

Shameless self-promotion

Right, the Eurovision scene is about to go quiet for a couple of months, and since I'm not interested in speculating for the next two months on who will or will not be in the final, and who will win, and what points latvia will get, and if Loreen will break records, or if Dincky will have a heart attack and die before May, I'd like to direct viewers to my other side www.poetcards.com where I am trying to sell arty poetry postcards, and perhaps fund a future flight to Stockholm for next years Eurovision. 

Facebook is so 2006.

Oh Valentina.... Maybe your facebook is all cybersex and chatting and socialising but most people just have walls of obnoxious arguments with relatives they don't like and endless unfunny photoshop pictures of cats.

Oh, and people complaining about fucking TIMELINE! Cos it's really shit!

Latvia: Now with improved English

Latvia's entry has been altered a bit. Oh, don't worry, concerned readers, it's still bad! The lyrics are just slightly more grammatically correct (as far as dodgy songs can be grammatically correct)

The more I see of Anmary and this song, the less I get it, or understand where it's trying to go. The video seems so po-faced and serious, but the lyrics and theme of the song are just so appallingly stupid. I seriously thing this should be a comedy entry, but this video suggests they really do intend to play it straight.

Or this joke is being too subtle? I dunno, maybe this is a very covert Silvia Night.

Montenegro

So this is Montenegro's big comeback? Oh Dear.




It's worse than Georgia. It's a good thing this and Georgia aren't in the same semi, or we'd have to argue about what was the WORST of the two.

Bosnia: Korake ti Znam

PIANO BALLAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PIIANNOOO

Sorry, it's just, I never muster up much enthusiasm for these kinds of entries. And they're the ones that are hardest to blog about

Her fake piano playing has improved since last year*. Kudos to fake playing** to the end, not getting up halfway and having the piano turn into a rocket (which would be awesome, but out of place)***

Piano ballad's are the sensible way of sayng 'we don't really want to win, but we're not going to do something ridiculous either.' It was what everyone figured 1994's Irish entry was. Except that time, it worked! 

* Actually I love that fake playing. Fake playing must be kinda boring, anyway. Why try seriously? 

**Or maybe she's genuinely playing. I don't really care. It won't be live at the Eurovision anyway, from what I gather. 

*** Ukraine seem like the country who'd this. Get on that! 

Greece, Eleftheria Eleftheriou

Eleftheria Eleftheriou

Eleftheria Eleftheriou 

That is quite a name. 

Anyway, this is such a typical boring, slightly greek but mostly rubbish sexy girl jumping over dancers thing. 

Anyway, Greece win the award for Shittest and cheapest looking national final! It's in a shopping centre. Specifically the River West Mall in Greece. I'm not sure why Greece has a mall full of English-language names. The hosts are on the escalator, there's a Next store in the background.  

The most amazing thing about this song is the stage they're standing on. I said it on twitter several times, but THAT is not a stage. That is several tables from IKEA pushed together. I'm amazed when they stand in one corner the whole thing doesn't tip over. 

I hope this stays in the semi final, it's just too far too bland to leave an impression, good or bad. Aside from her name. It's interesting how many dull songs are from 'guaranteed' finalists. I'm so hoping this year is going to have a very different mix of finalists to usual. 

Italy again!

Italy has decided to change their entry again.

I assume the reasoning was that this one is 3:02 seconds and a better fit for Eurovision than Per Sempre, which needing a bit of chopping down in length. This also sounds more like a song that'll be fitted to English, and make her the sassy italian amy winehouse type (but without the drink and drugs) that her look seems to suggest. Sigh.

That, or they're subtly trying to get us to listen to all nina zilli's songs?

Another blogger, I can't remember who, summed up the problem of the language changes as being that the lyrics are always over-simplified in English, and more cliched and trite. That is definitely the problem. (Sorry, I've read loads of blogs lately, xx)