Eurovision: 1912

The other day I had a conversation about how many countries are in the Eurovision, and how it'd be a lot less if it were 1912:

Following last years victory by Mr. Eldar and Mrs Nigar, this years contest will be held in the capital of the Russian Empire, St Petersburg. They will be represented by the young singer Mr Donald Montell. 

Making it's debut in Eurovision this year is the Kingdom of Serbia, represented by Zeljko Joksimovic, singing a ballad about peace in Europe in these troubled times.

Great Britain and Ireland will be represented by brothers John and Edward Grimes, from Dublin, who have been warned not to use the event as a platform to voice Ireland's campaign for independence. Many are unsure if they have the popularity to ensure victory.

The Ottoman Empire has withdrawn from the competition this year, owing to trouble in the region, Bulgaria and Romania have opted not to compete.


Greece has just about managed to compete after economic troubles and political tensions in the region.


Sweden will be represented by Swedish-Finnish singer Miss Pernilla Karlsson with her ballad Nar Jag Blundar, while Denmark will be represented by Icelanders Greta and Jonsi, who have been warned not to use the event as a platform to voice Iceland's campaign for independence. 


San Marino's Miss Monetta is singing a song about typewriters. 




Yep, I really need to get out more.

Ireland Final pt 3: Positive thinking on Jedward

So. Jedward. This is what represents my country again. Why, Ireland, why do you torment me so?

I'm going to try very hard to say 10 positive Jedward things then.

1: Their dancing is improving.

2: This song is less irritating than Lipstick

3: It doesn't involve the Jagger Mick, a distant 1980, or smoker jokers.

4: Jedward have stage presence.

Aaargh!

5: No one will ever say your hair looks bad next to them. 

6: Dublin is awesome, doesn't everyone want an Irish Eurovision again?

7: Wouldn't it be on Riverdance levels of epic if the interlude involved the ritual sacrifice of them.

8: It is for the greater good. The greater good. If the rest of Europe wants Jedward, so be it. They better come back with the prize. The greater good.

9: Red Lemonade is awesome

10: So is Galtee cheese


This has to be the last we'll see of them now, right?

The Late Late Show Eurosong

So... I watched on saturday evening and will on Sunday retro-blog this parody of a final

Oh it's Jedward. Why did you bother? It was Jedward? Jedward, Jedward JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDWAAAAARD


Cocks!

I was in Scotland over the weekend. I saw handsome men in kilts in the street, standing around, just looking handsome in kilts. Standing around with the soft tweedy ends of their kilts blowing delicately in the wind, like a gust could make a girl's day. Alas, there was nothing, and this celtic fringe lady had to walk on, with no scotch buttocks to amuse her day.
 I just wanted to lift one up and take a peek underneath. Le Sigh, I could not.

 Anyway my trip in Scotland involvled pandas, posey penguins and panic attack, more le sigh. tweet for pics of cute panda and posey penguins.... i didn't get any hamdsome men in skirts though....

mmm... handsome men in skirts....


...handsome men in skirts.....

.....

...
AAARGH. there's a place called JEDBURGH! NOOOOO!!!


Wait Jedburgh? Not Jedward..... Aaargh

..

yeah sorry i'm back... and I think i may have to dissect this final in bits... So stay tuned for I on Sunday I will discuss in depth more Irish national eurovision talk and elaborate on: Celtic Mysticism, B*wtiched, Lady Gaga, U2, languages of love,  and positive things about Jedward. (I really want an Irish win, so I need positive thinking!)

Ireland's National Final

Right, I'm going away on Thursday to a hotel in Scotland that has no internet! Which means.... BOOO, I'm going to miss the Irish National Final!

Still, it's probably the most obvious bloody contest of all. Sigh. Oh general public, must you be so easily led!

So, here's what will happen on Friday

Ryan Tubridy will open the Late Late Show. He will continue to be his usual under-appreciated, oft-maligned, geeky academic hotness.

My future 3rd husband

Anyway, first up will be Maria McCool. Her song will be underappreciated and everyone will sulk that it might not be very Eurovision even though her song is beautiful and awesome! B*witched jokes will be made (My sister will kill me if I don't use the '*' symbol there!) 

Then Donna McCaul will be on. She'll be a minor disappointment, restricted by the nature of the RTE studio,   but still an impressive show. Everyone will say they think it's great but it'll seem obvious they're lying. Ryan Tubridy has no pokerface. 

Then we'll get the guitar boy. Everyone will compliment it's skill but subtly dislike it. 

Then we'll all be bored by Language of Love

Then Jedward will be on, everyone will gush about how awesome they were, reference their lack of talent, ignore how blandly american their sound is.

Then a former 90s winner will perform. We'll give the thing a standing ovation because their 90s wins were all made of fucking WIN and awesome! Ryan Tubridy will awkwardly interview, because he is no personality, and no real journalist, and often seems out of his depth. Or perhaps, beneath his depth, because The Late Late Show is descending into trashy disposable celebrity levels, and Tubridy just does not seem like a man interested in Z listers. He seems like a guy who should be presenting smart but down-to-earth history documentaries. 

Anyway... after 40 minutes of faffing the juries and televote will speak. It'll seem briefly like Donna will win, but Limerick will be again a place of inbreds and fuck all taste and will vote for jedward, and they'll win by a landslide. Ryan Tubridy will again fail at pokerface and will wonder briefly why is he doing this at all, why didn't he just scream at the audience and call it for someone else. Gay Byrne wouldn't have stood for this shit. Nor would Pat Kenny.

Sigh

Ireland betting odds. Let's all screw with PaddyPower

The least likely to win the Irish national final, according to PaddyPower, is Maria McCool at 12/1.

So, if we all put a tenner on her, vote manically for her to win (or encourage all our Irish friends to vote manically for her), jedward will fuck off and the rest of us are quids in. Or paddypower will stop all bets and everyone will stop thinking jedward must be best because they have the best odds.

Lets go gamble!

Our Saviour

Yegads, that is one cheap looking album cover!

Pure Evil! 

Why doesn't someone shave their heads in their sleep or something? 

Irish National Final

They've announced someone! Going up against Jedward is... Una Gibney and David Shannon.

Who?

 How does one become a citizen of Serbia? I feel like I need a new passport.

Jedward: When will the hurting stop?

Oh dear... Previews of the Irish National final songs are less than a fortnight away, but no one has been mentioned to prevent the pain of another year of Jedward except Donna McCaul, who you won't remember, because she was Ireland's atrocious flop from 2005. I really wanted an Irish win! *cries* Allow me to sum up my feelings about Jedward visually:

Hasn't the 'they're-so-bad-they're-good' joke worn out now?