So, after weeks of rumour, or weeks of people telling everyone who it was and being told not to repeat it, the BBC have decided to announce....
Bonnie Tyler.
Bonnie Tyler, I assumed, being born in the mid-80s after her career had faded a bit, was a one-hit wonder of probably the definitive cheesey 80s power ballad, Total Eclipse of the Heart. It's not a song that I think anyone can take seriously, but undoubtedly, you've heard of it. (at least watch the literal video version!)
But, apparently she's been power-ballading all over Europe as a fairly gracefully-surgeried 61 year old. (If you squint, she's like Cascada in clothes.) So she has a new song.
I never thought Engelbert Humperdinck's song was that bad last year, and I blame its second-to-last spot on its position in the running order (Since Tooji came last, I wouldn't blame it on his age.) Tyler's song is in that guitar-pop ballad genre of pleasantness that I don't really like, like Denmarks past few entries. I don't like that, it's far too sappy, but lots of other people do.
I suspect the build-up did not help this one. I mean, they could have just announced it ages ago, instead of keeping it as some big secret. They were never going to get any love for their entrant though, whoever they chose. As far the miserable media is concerned, Eurovision is a bunch of gay foreigners. And no one is EVER going to be good enough. Because no one is ever going to be Bucksfizz.
The BBC seems to think the rest of the competition was frozen in time with that song. Everyone hates Bucksfizz. They were terrible, even in the 80s. It was a dated song even then. Bonnie Tyler's biggest hits of the 80s are more contemporary than Bucksfizz. And they weren't even the last time the UK won. Apart from a blip in the 90s when they were a bit good, and they won, the BBC have just been consistently acting like it's still 1981. And IT ISN'T.
Careers don't fade because you stopped being cool and popular, and Humperdinck and Tyler are both credible singers with continuing success beyond the British Isles (yep, that does happen!), but they are not really very modern, which is the key problem. The UK needs to get something modern.
There is no country that's a sorer loser in the Eurovision than the UK. They blame absolutely everything for their failures. Block-voting, war, racism, we've all heard it.
Oh 1968, can we pretty much point to you as the point where British entries started to get a bit stroppy. Cliff Richard has never let go of this loss, by just one point to to a woman wearing a lampshade.*
Should he have won? Did Spain deserve their win? Should it have been France?
Pfft, no, it should have been Yugoslavia! That's a song!
But seriously, if Cliff Richard were not significantly more famous than Massiel, and it had been held in the UK that year, I doubt anyone would think 'Congratulations' was the greatest song ever. I quite like 'La, La, La.' It's so sunny and happy, and the lyrics are so easy to remember! La Source, is ok, but I find it so vague as a song.
*Ye gads, 1968 fashions have aged terribly. Look at them! The colour, the shapes, the colours. The glasses, the suits! The RUFFLES! Aargh.
The other day I had a conversation about how many countries are in the Eurovision, and how it'd be a lot less if it were 1912:
Following last years victory by Mr. Eldar and Mrs Nigar, this years contest will be held in the capital of the Russian Empire, St Petersburg. They will be represented by the young singer Mr Donald Montell.
Making it's debut in Eurovision this year is the Kingdom of Serbia, represented by Zeljko Joksimovic, singing a ballad about peace in Europe in these troubled times.
Great Britain and Ireland will be represented by brothers John and Edward Grimes, from Dublin, who have been warned not to use the event as a platform to voice Ireland's campaign for independence. Many are unsure if they have the popularity to ensure victory.
The Ottoman Empire has withdrawn from the competition this year, owing to trouble in the region, Bulgaria and Romania have opted not to compete.
Greece has just about managed to compete after economic troubles and political tensions in the region.
Sweden will be represented by Swedish-Finnish singer Miss Pernilla Karlsson with her ballad Nar Jag Blundar, while Denmark will be represented by Icelanders Greta and Jonsi, who have been warned not to use the event as a platform to voice Iceland's campaign for independence.
San Marino's Miss Monetta is singing a song about typewriters.
Well, obviously it was going to be a ballad! It's not a piano ballad though, which makes me slightly relieved. If I see one more piano...
Musically, it's not that bad, though not something that will set the world alight, or the UK's hopes. The simple guitar gives it an almost Spanish sound, making it seem European without smacking you in the face without making references to various capital cities. The lyrics are a bit cheesy, but it's not repetitively banal.
Of the many things the UK have entered, there's nothing here really to be embarassed by. The fact that he's old seems rather narrow-minded. People don't have to drop off the face of the earth once the flourish of youth is gone. What, does everything think Saade and Tooji won't get old and ugly soon?* Scooch, Jemini and Daz Sampson (OH GOD THAT SONG!) will always be their lowest points.
Saade, Young Humperdinck and Tooji
*assuming you don't think they're pretty fug already.
It's Oscars day today and in a departure from Eurovision stuff, and as a result of Eurovision exhaustion right now, I thought I'd do a list of 10 European films to watch, for when you get tired of Eurovision, and need something other than dodgy lyrics about jokers, smokers, the Jagger Mick and other such things. I've tried to pick from a spread of Europe, not just 10 french or german films. Please recommend me more foreign films, in the comments here if you like. I totally want some comments!
1: Once, Ireland, 2007
This is a semi-musical about two not-very-remarkable people in Dublin who both want to make music and end up sorta in love, except that she's already married to a Czech who is moving to Ireland soon, and he's off to chase down his girlfriend who scarpered to London some time back. Anyway, it's very sweet, unglamorous and fairly realistic. When you watch Ireland's recent Eurovision entries, and their total failure at being modern, I wonder why they've never looked at Marketa and Glen from this film and thought 'throw them some money and get them on the Eurovision stage.' They got a freaking Oscar for Best Song! Ireland does have musical talent!
2: No Man's Land, Bosnia, 2001
A straightforward film set in a 1990s no mans land area between the bosnians and the serbians where one of them is placed on a land mine, and it all goes a bit philosophical about war, life, death, and such things for a while before everyone gets killed. The ending is massively depressing.
3: The Baader Meinhof Complex, Germany, 2008
This is an interesting, if perhaps flawed and not technically amazing, film about the rise and fall of 1970s German terrorist group the Red Army Faction. What's especially interesting about it is probably what a bunch of absolute wankers they seemed to be.
4: Anna M, France, 2007
If you ever saw the twee/cutesy Audrey Tautou film He Loves Me He Loves Me Not, where she has erotomania and stalks a doctor guy she imagines herself in love with, then Anna M is the darker, sinister version of that, with less narrative tricks that don't hold up on rewatching. This has a suicidal librarian and a somber and ugly physiotherapist, not a sweet pretty art student who can whimsically hide her tablets behind a wardrobe and a thematically-linked young handsome heart doctor.
5 Closely Observed Trains, Czech Republic, 1968
I came across this film in university when I had to read the book. It's more linear than the book, about a lad who works in a rural train station, who attempts suicide after he can't go the whole way with his girl in the time of the German occupation of the Czech Republic (or whatever it was back then, I lose track).
6 Control, UK, 2007
When people think of European films, they think of Foreign Language films. Since Ireland's here, I suppose it's only fair to include a good British film that has a Europe vibe about it anyway, being about a band whose post-punk style has its roots in 70s German rock, and was directed by Dutch photographer Anton Corbjin.
7 In Bruges, 2008, Ireland, in a sense...
I don't care what it officially says, I'm calling this one an Irish film. Colin Farrell, Brendan Gleeson, Martin Mcdonagh. It's an Irish film, whatever the title says. And I'm trying to make ten on my list. It's set in Bruges, that's in Belgium, that's in Europe. It totally counts. I need to see more foreign films.
8 Jar City, Iceland, 2006
Why does that pregnant junkie daughter look familiar? Oh, it's Silvia Night! Guess the Eurovision rejection really did hit her hard. This film is basically a Scandinavian crime drama, about some lowlife found murdered and connected with a weird genetic brain disease that only four people have. It's got lots of shots of Iceland that make you think 'oooohh, pretty' and a particularly notable scene where the detective eats a sheeps eat from a takeaway, Google says it is a dish called svid . Probably better than going to a dodgy burger van, mind.
9 Tilsammans, Sweden, 2000
Fucking hippies, man.
10 Three Colours: White French/Polish, 1994
The Three Colours trilogy is one of those default first-year film student things to watch. I never saw them till years later when a friend gave me Blue as a gift. I wasn't impressed. White, however, is quite good, and probably the only one of the three worth sticking with. The plot is a slightly off comedy about a Polish guy whose French wife dumps him because he's no good in bed (I think?) and he goes back to Poland with a guy who offers him some money to kill him, then he becomes successful in business and sets up his ex-wife as a criminal.
Honorable Mentions: Disco Pigs (Ireland), Bjarnfredarson (Iceland), Fucking Amal (Sweden), Goodbye Lenin, The Lost Honour of Katarina Blum, Volver, Persepolis -- Marjane Sartrapi's French-Iranian, so it counts,
Today my flat has been overrun with people sawing into the floor and drilling and other racket. And I was reminded of those awful eurovision entries that seem like something went wrong and you can't bear to listen to, they just hurt so much.
So here are ten eurovision entries that came out really badly in the end, humiliating themselves and their nation's taste in music forever. I've excluded the 'funny' and deliberately awful entries here, like Ping Pong's Sameach, 90% of Norway's output (I mean, they were being deliberately bad throughout the 70s, werent they? Weren't they?), and most of the 80s, cos the 80s weren't kind to anyone.
Don't play the videos, just take my word, they're bad.
10: Switzerland, 1967
Most of the really awful entries are quite recent. Probably because most of the worst stuff is forgotten over time. Also, music has changed a lot since the 60s and more singers now are not great live performers, but video stars. So the awful entries from the 1960s are not really bad, just... not well done.
9: Luxembourg, 1984
You know that thing people do in songs when they emote with their arms? I hate it. I really hate it! Like 10, this probably isn't truly horrendous, just under-rehearsed.
8: United Kingdom, 2007.
This is probably in tune, actually.It's too awful in general to tell.
This song should have, and would have, been last in the contest that year had it not been for....
7: Ireland, 2007
Sigh. Oh Dervish. What have you done. If you hadn't been atrociously awful, then RTE wouldn't have come to the conclusion that all traditional stuff is awful and they must do something modern. It's their fault we must now suffer Jedward. Twice (most probably, sigh.) Take the tin whistle and the bodhran and shove them up your arse! Oh, and, generally, it's a bad idea to include lyrics in your Eurovision that list eurovision countries or capitals.
6: Croatia, 2006
This might be a joke entry. I dunno. I can believe that someone would sing a song about how much they love their stiletto heels. Just, probably not this one. This song hurts more than a stiletto in the eye.
That outfit too! Good God! And no one should ever remove items of clothing in the eurovision again.
5: Moldova, 2006
On the subject of removing clothes for effect, this lot should be careful, or they may face criminal charges for public indecency.
4: Macedonia, 2000
One of the first of that awful era in the noughties where everyone was trying to do a Britney Spears type thing, and everyone wore hideous pastels and tube-tops. Fortunately the likes of Tatu and later Lordi, to much greater effect, put an end to the really hideous pop entries. But between 1999 and 2002, oh god, the Eurovision was bad!
3: Spain, 1983
Infamously bad, this one is on pretty much every worst eurovision entries list. Even if you allow for the Spanishness of the song. The singing is probably better with some Spanish guitar and flamenco dancing around it, not a very flat 80s backing track that sounds like its in a seperate song.
2: Bulgaria, 2009
You know, I actually liked this song in the run-up to the contest. It's very dancey. But oh, oh god, did this go wrong. The guy, I think, is ok, but the backing singers, OH GOD!!!! STOP. All of you are too loud, too shoutey singing too many different things and when they sing together, AAAARGH!
1: UK, 2003
Bulgaria is probably worse, but I think that individually those people can probably sing, and I'm always sad that song didn't go better. Jemini though? Bwaahahahahaa. Oh God, the UK getting 0 points? The biggest, flounciest, sorest losers of all the nations, didn't get anything. Not even from Ireland (at least Dervish managed to get points from someone). This song's failure was so delicious because of how arrogant the UK and snotty the UK tends to be about other countries entries. As a friend once said, the problem with the UK in the competition is that they don't take it seriously enough to send their biggest stars, but they don't enjoy the fun of the game enough to be really silly! So they end up with stuff like this. This disaster was blamed on block-voting, politics, technical faults, when, really, they just didn't try!
Why do so many of the worst songs also have the worst costumes?
I do feel slightly bad for the people who fail in the Eurovision, though. It must be career-wrecking and unbearably humiliating to be awful in front of 100 million people across the world. Probably worse than being one of those weirdos on things like The X Factor. I mean, those people at best need to get some singing lessons, and at worst are self-entitled deluded nutcases that no amount of reasoning would convince otherwise. The ones at Eurovision? Well, this IS their big moment. They've already fought off hundreds of other songs and performers. So, yeah, it's probably not really funny to laugh at the ones who screw it up.
Except for Scooch. It's totally fine to laugh at them.
As we all know from Rich Peppiatt at the Leveson Inquiry, tabloids just make up stories to fill up space when they're too lazy to do any real work (or engage in criminal activity).* The Eurovision tends to generate lots of rumours about who is going to be performing, and they're never true. The most fabulous one this year is that the original members of the Sugababes are reuniting to do the Eurovision. Oh the irony if thats true!** But these things never turn out to be true? Le Sigh
Remember the one about Morrissey for UK http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/6244153.stm
Actually, that may not have been a rumour, since it's on BBC News, and they don't tend to be the gossip types. Never happened though. Why not BBC? Why not? He'd have been awesome. Better than Scooch! (though that's not saying a lot)
and then there was the one about System of a Down for Armenia http://www.news.az/articles/armenia/42547
Who wasn't all like "FUCKING BLOODY YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!" when they heard that?
Bloody Journalists! Making us all excited and then disappointing us.
As the Eurovision has gotten bigger and more expensive so has the staging for a lot of the songs, with more technical stuff going on. It's the stuff everyone remembers from the show afterwards -- the conehead unicyclist, the robot biker woman, the robot, the turkey in the trolley, yet, strangely these things have never really made winners. I'm really boring, and I hope that the most ridiculous staging elements will disappear from the Eurovision. They're becoming cliched now, like changing costume halfway through the song (Croatia 2011 have surely killed that trick now). So I'd like to dedicate a moment, in this crazed nationals season to the most over-the-top, and completely unnecessary, and probably detrimental, Eurovision stagings.
I miss when ESCToday did these sorts of lists... Sigh.
10 Boxing Ring, Armenia 2011
I actually thought this was more of the song than it is watching the video now, but it's still so stupid. What does any of this have to do with boxing?
9: The wind woman thing, Belarus 2009
This might be a costume thing, I'm unsure, just go with it. When I saw this the first time I couldn't decide if it was intentional, or if some poor backing dancer's dress had taken too much wind machine and she'd gotten stuck in the whole thing and couldn't get out. This never got to the final, so we never got to see. Sigh.
8: Big gaudy heart seat, Greece 2008.
Actually, I hate this song in every way. It's tacky, too pink it's unnecessarily Greek, she rips half her dress off to reveal... slightly less dress underneath. She sings about not wanting to give a guy her secret combination despite the fact that the whole of Europe is close to seeing all of her secrets if she opens her legs again. Urgh, and people liked this. I hate people. Why does she need to have some prom float heart as well? Hasn't the message of the song already come across by now. It just goes and makes the whole thing much more tacky and awful.
7: Dita Von Teese on a sofa, Germany, 2009.
You know, all those bits of furniture and stuff don't get on the stage by themselves. There's a bunch of stage hands and managers and people running around getting this stuff on and off quickly. Do you think they ever stop and think 'What was the point of that?' What was the point of having Dita Von Teese there in the background taking a few items of clothing off? What is the point of that if the camera isn't even looking at her? Why didn't you just have a video of it? It was hyped up at the time, but when it came to it, it was all so meh, and safe for something that should have been much more.
6: Staircase for Safura, Azerbaijan 2010
Again, somewhere someone is thinking 'Do we really need to lug this thing onto the stage.' This is probably the only case where the presentation actually ruined the song. I don't think anyone got why she was on a very little staircase that was, clearly, too difficult to get down by herself. The only purpose I think it had was so the cameraman could get more of an upskirt shot of her. This might have done better if it had stayed simpler, but nooooo, they had to do a bit more. Azerbaijan must have thought better of this in 2011 because Ell and Nikki were the least stagey entry they've had.
5 the 4 screens behind Blue, UK 2011
Maybe this wasn't really over the top in the Eurovision, but I'm in the UK, so I heard a lot about Blue in the build -up to the contest, where they went on a fair bit about 'keeping things simple.' Why did they need 4 monitors with their ugly mugs on them 2 feet behind them, when the stage has a massive screen already. Couldn't they make use of that. did we need a spelling bee behind them. As for those outfits -- Blue in blue? Don't they know that winners wear black or white.
4. The treadmill stapler thing, Greece 2009
I would say this was the ultimate in ridiculous, over-the-top and unnecessary Eurovision performances but.... I don't know. It was so ridiculous it became awesome again... as did
3. the giant hamster wheel thing, Ukraine, 2009
Oh My God, this is the song that makes people think of the Eurovision as camp, gay and ridiculous. But this song is just so awful, that without it, this really would never have been in the final.
2: The ice rink, Russia 2008
I'm always confused by this one. Did Dima Bilan really want to be an ice skater or something? Where did they even find that? How did the skater not accidentally cut someone's fingers off. Did Bilan have really cold feet after? Why, just why? And did anyone find it impressive? Wasn't Bilan enough by himself? Did he need all that stuff. Admittedly, it does look sorta interesting, but I don't really get why they bothered. I dunno, maybe it's a Russian thing
1: The glass box, Sweden 2011,
Oh I just hate this smug preening tosspot anyway. He makes Alexander Rybak look just charming. Urgh, Just look at him. How I hate him, how i hate this song, how I hate anyone who liked this song.
That glass box though. What the hell are you doing? Why. It's so fake, so stagey, and does nothing. I think he's supposed to look cool, but considering most of us hardcore fans saw him throw a little strop when the technical people couldn't get it to work in rehearsals, mostly it just comes across as a rather bothersome, unnecessary gimmick in a repetitive, ugly song about wanting to be popular. Yeah, being popular, Eric, that'll make the girl like you more. You don't get rejected because you're not cool, it's because you're a tosser.
I really hate Eric Saade. I really hoped the glass wouldn't break in the final and he'd be stuck in that box. But that might have meant he'd have to do the song again. Urgh. Fuck Eric Saade.
