Chapter by chapter review of Freshers by Joanna Davies

Yeah, I've kinda forgotten about this blog for a while. Maybe because I was too traumatised by the book I'm going to inflict upon you chapter by chapter. I was thinking of just reviewing this book, but then I realised, there's no way I can explain just how awful I think this book is!

So, here goes:

From the Amazon description: 'It's the early 1990s and Lois, Cerys and Hywel are freshers at university. Lois is the quiet type, Cerys is a complete extrovert and Hywel is an evangelist trying to live up to his parents' high expectations. Full of black humour and dangerous spirit, Freshers is a tale of sex, drugs and rock'n'roll, of leaving home and of finding a whole new world.' That blurb is so cliched sounding that I am amazed anyone could seriously read this, but apparently there is a university that inflicted it on students. (Aberystwyth?)

Freshers is a novel that was originally published in Welsh, and apparently caused a bit of a stir. Being a success in the Welsh-language field (which is not exactly huge), it was reprinted in English by Welsh women's publisher Honno. The publisher describes themselves as 'an independent co-operative press run by women and committed to bringing you the best in Welsh women's writing.' Joanna Davies explains this translation here which ends with one of the most threatening statements I've ever seen:

'My next plan of action is to make Freshers the movie'

HELP! 

 Anyway, let's start with Chapter 1.

 Each chapter is subdivided into first person narratives from each character. So let's being with Joanna. I mean Lois. I mean Mary-Sue.

LOIS:

 Lois is a nerd! She's a nerd because of her 'frenzied Eisteffod going.' Eisteddfod, for all my eurotrashy friends, is a Welsh language culture festival. I've no idea if Welsh speakers regard it as nerdy or a Welsh-language piss-up. I'm not sure Davies does either, but apparently 'it had been amazing fun. Plenty of booze and plenty of laughs... an opportunity to flirt with boys!' So, it's a nerdy Welsh-language piss-up! Dunno what she's bothered about. 

 Oh wait, yeah, She's a virgin! An 18 year old VIRGIN! 'Lois was still reluctantly in possession of her innocence.' In Davies's interview she says the translation added 20,000 words (!) to the novel. That sentence, and pretty much the next three chapters probably explain where they went! VIRGIN! VIRGIN. SHE'S A VIRGIN.

 The rest of this chapter is just pointless drivel about her mum, who's like you know, boring and uncool, and cries about her leaving and it's all just so nice! Lois is a nice lovely virgin girl from a nice lovely lovely family, and her best friend is Cerys.

CERYS:

Cerys is a whore. She's introduced her admiring herself and her sexy red hot pants that she's convinced her parents to get her (since she's the daughter of an absent father [DADDY ISSUES!!!] and a Cool Mom!  

Anyway, trying on another outfit, we get a more coherent idea of her unfathomable, and frankly hideous, 1991 fashion:

'A thigh high leather mini-dress slashed from the neck to the navel. With her cowboy boots and denim jacket this was another sure-fire man magnet.'

 Yeah, er... if you're a hooker. That description is basically plagiarising Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman, WITH the Hooker thing: 

 Cerys has an entire wardrobe of outfits presumably like this. Which she's going to wear as a student in Aberyswyth. I salute this girl. She is amazing! Because Aberystwyth, and I know this for a fact, is FUCKING FREEZING! Cerys's body is genuinely amazing, because she can wear outfits like this in Wales, and apparently she isn't suffering from hypothermia.

And this is my first major problem with the novel. Our two main characters are a Virgin Mary Sue and a Whore. This novel was published in 2010, by a women's publisher. And yet, our two main characters represent the overused Virgin/Whore Dichotomy of female characters in culture that was outdated even in the 20th century. This was written by a woman. But these are not real women. This isn't any woman you've ever met in real life. This is a fantasy character. A male fantasy character too. This isn't 'a bit of dramatic license.' This is just poor, cliched, characterisation.

 

HYWEL

He's a Christian Stereotype, but in WALES.  

 

onto Chapter 2