There is no country that's a sorer loser in the Eurovision than the UK. They blame absolutely everything for their failures. Block-voting, war, racism, we've all heard it.
Oh 1968, can we pretty much point to you as the point where British entries started to get a bit stroppy. Cliff Richard has never let go of this loss, by just one point to to a woman wearing a lampshade.*
Should he have won? Did Spain deserve their win? Should it have been France?
Pfft, no, it should have been Yugoslavia! That's a song!
But seriously, if Cliff Richard were not significantly more famous than Massiel, and it had been held in the UK that year, I doubt anyone would think 'Congratulations' was the greatest song ever. I quite like 'La, La, La.' It's so sunny and happy, and the lyrics are so easy to remember! La Source, is ok, but I find it so vague as a song.
*Ye gads, 1968 fashions have aged terribly. Look at them! The colour, the shapes, the colours. The glasses, the suits! The RUFFLES! Aargh.
Hey, it was International Women's Day the other day. I went to an event with a fashion show and goodie bags with moisturisers, hair products and chocolate. Yeah, that's what women are all about. Hair, clothes and chocolate. I despair sometimes, I really do.
Anyway, here's 5 Eurovision Ladies, in no particular order.
1: Ase Kleveland, Norway, 1966
Please excuse the lack of proper characters on that name. I have an English keyboard and getting them into Blogger posts is a pain.
Anyway, Kleveland came third in 1966 with this folksy song that she performed on guitar in a pantsuit. At the time that was considered notable. Nowadays, actually the way women's fashion is, that'd be notable for the inclusion of pants. And when so many songs are about love, desire and all that stuff, it's lyrically interesting too.
After Eurovision: She has had a long career and was formerly Norway's Minister for Culture. Yeah, she did alright really.
2: Silvia Night, Iceland 2006
Well, with my blog's name there's not a chance I wasn't going to mention my Trolling Queen! Oh, how awesome she was! How dreadful she was. I love her so!
I miss Silvia Night. They really need to bring her back!
After Eurovision: Well, Silvia Night is missing in action... Agusta Eva Erlendsdottir is doing Icelandic Films. She's doing alright. I mean, it can't be hard to be big in Iceland.
3: Dana International, Israel, 1998, 2011.
If anyone made Eurovision modern, it was Dana International. Within Eurovision, she's a divisive figure. She pretty much ushered in the era of media-hype winners, though the change to televoting also impacted on that. She is a Eurovision personality, as much as a performer. Which arguably, is a very bad thing. On the other hand, she brought modern pop back into the Eurovision, at a time when it needed a shape up. Certainly, without Dana International, the Eurovision would have continued as a very safe, conservative affair.
After Eurovision: Still performing, she's still a well known gay icon, and obviously (I mean obviously!) has had lots more plastic surgery. Shame she never made it to the final last year.
4: Massiel, Spain, 1968
Hahahahaha, she beat Cliff Richard. Hahahahaha, she was wearing a lampshade as a dress. The UK still hates her.
After Eurovision: Still hearing arguments that her win was rigged. Sigh, UK, let it rest. You've won enough times. Had a long career in Spain afterwards. Was not really ever relevant again to the rest of Europe. But she beat Cliff Richard. Hahahahahaa. And she was wearing a lampshade as a dress (how did she sit in that thing?) That dress, seriously!
5: Niamh Kavanagh
Maybe in private she secretly has a dartboard with Lena at the centre of it, and is cursing Europe for not giving her a second win, but most of the Eurovision fandom seems to agree that she is a genuinely nice person. Deserved to do better in 2010. According to a friend of mine, has MILF potential.
Today my flat has been overrun with people sawing into the floor and drilling and other racket. And I was reminded of those awful eurovision entries that seem like something went wrong and you can't bear to listen to, they just hurt so much.
So here are ten eurovision entries that came out really badly in the end, humiliating themselves and their nation's taste in music forever. I've excluded the 'funny' and deliberately awful entries here, like Ping Pong's Sameach, 90% of Norway's output (I mean, they were being deliberately bad throughout the 70s, werent they? Weren't they?), and most of the 80s, cos the 80s weren't kind to anyone.
Don't play the videos, just take my word, they're bad.
10: Switzerland, 1967
Most of the really awful entries are quite recent. Probably because most of the worst stuff is forgotten over time. Also, music has changed a lot since the 60s and more singers now are not great live performers, but video stars. So the awful entries from the 1960s are not really bad, just... not well done.
9: Luxembourg, 1984
You know that thing people do in songs when they emote with their arms? I hate it. I really hate it! Like 10, this probably isn't truly horrendous, just under-rehearsed.
8: United Kingdom, 2007.
This is probably in tune, actually.It's too awful in general to tell.
This song should have, and would have, been last in the contest that year had it not been for....
7: Ireland, 2007
Sigh. Oh Dervish. What have you done. If you hadn't been atrociously awful, then RTE wouldn't have come to the conclusion that all traditional stuff is awful and they must do something modern. It's their fault we must now suffer Jedward. Twice (most probably, sigh.) Take the tin whistle and the bodhran and shove them up your arse! Oh, and, generally, it's a bad idea to include lyrics in your Eurovision that list eurovision countries or capitals.
6: Croatia, 2006
This might be a joke entry. I dunno. I can believe that someone would sing a song about how much they love their stiletto heels. Just, probably not this one. This song hurts more than a stiletto in the eye.
That outfit too! Good God! And no one should ever remove items of clothing in the eurovision again.
5: Moldova, 2006
On the subject of removing clothes for effect, this lot should be careful, or they may face criminal charges for public indecency.
4: Macedonia, 2000
One of the first of that awful era in the noughties where everyone was trying to do a Britney Spears type thing, and everyone wore hideous pastels and tube-tops. Fortunately the likes of Tatu and later Lordi, to much greater effect, put an end to the really hideous pop entries. But between 1999 and 2002, oh god, the Eurovision was bad!
3: Spain, 1983
Infamously bad, this one is on pretty much every worst eurovision entries list. Even if you allow for the Spanishness of the song. The singing is probably better with some Spanish guitar and flamenco dancing around it, not a very flat 80s backing track that sounds like its in a seperate song.
2: Bulgaria, 2009
You know, I actually liked this song in the run-up to the contest. It's very dancey. But oh, oh god, did this go wrong. The guy, I think, is ok, but the backing singers, OH GOD!!!! STOP. All of you are too loud, too shoutey singing too many different things and when they sing together, AAAARGH!
1: UK, 2003
Bulgaria is probably worse, but I think that individually those people can probably sing, and I'm always sad that song didn't go better. Jemini though? Bwaahahahahaa. Oh God, the UK getting 0 points? The biggest, flounciest, sorest losers of all the nations, didn't get anything. Not even from Ireland (at least Dervish managed to get points from someone). This song's failure was so delicious because of how arrogant the UK and snotty the UK tends to be about other countries entries. As a friend once said, the problem with the UK in the competition is that they don't take it seriously enough to send their biggest stars, but they don't enjoy the fun of the game enough to be really silly! So they end up with stuff like this. This disaster was blamed on block-voting, politics, technical faults, when, really, they just didn't try!
Why do so many of the worst songs also have the worst costumes?
I do feel slightly bad for the people who fail in the Eurovision, though. It must be career-wrecking and unbearably humiliating to be awful in front of 100 million people across the world. Probably worse than being one of those weirdos on things like The X Factor. I mean, those people at best need to get some singing lessons, and at worst are self-entitled deluded nutcases that no amount of reasoning would convince otherwise. The ones at Eurovision? Well, this IS their big moment. They've already fought off hundreds of other songs and performers. So, yeah, it's probably not really funny to laugh at the ones who screw it up.
Except for Scooch. It's totally fine to laugh at them.
