Belarus's national final was tonight, but it's hard to get excited about their songs because the past few years have been such a mess. Last year (in Eurovision years, not real-life ones) Alyona's song was overruled by the president for voting discrepancies, in 2011 the fabulous 'Born in Belarussia' was disqualified for being too old, in 2010 3+2 (the worst band name) changed songs for.... some reason that no one remembers or cares about. Belarus are a country that has an awful lot of drama picking its songs for a country that has only qualified for the final twice since 2004.
So, this is what Belarus have picked. In December. For a contest in May.
Since I wasn't paying attention to who the contestants were, I didn't know that this was last years disqualified winner. She has an uphill struggle with this song, if it stays, since it seems like people are suspicious about her spectacular scoring in the final (3rd song performed out of 10??? A unanimous vote? O RLY???) But you know, I like this song, it's catchy, not completely irritating as dance tracks can often be. It reminds me a bit of Albania's entry in 2009.
I don't think it's a winner, and I imagine the Swedes will put it in one of the death slots, but its decent enough.
Democracy doesn't always work with music. Most people have appalling taste.
Belarus, again, presumably for keeps this time, unless Alyona Lanskaya starts a revolution and overthrows the president.
Actually, this is a better song than the first song chosen. So, er.... democracy blows? Never let the people choose, they make bad choices. See, this song fucks with your political morality!
Israel. Now, they can't be bothered with those damn voting processes at all. No overlong national finals, no ridiculous voting processes. Just screw-you-people-we-don't-care-what-you-want internal selections.
And I like this. It's quirky, indie, cheery and cute. Israel are also screwing with your political morality in Eurovision. Let's move on quickly before someone mentions Palestine... quickly
Macedonia. More internal selections. Macedonia doesn't care. Who do you think they are? Greece? NO SERIOUSLY! Do you think they're GREECE?
Oh, it's another song where they start out as a piano ballad and then BOOM it's gone, and it changes into something else. They're bucksfizzing instruments a lot in Eurovision in this year's finals.Seriously, that is getting so old! I am now suspicion of all pianos in Eurovision performances, alongside two-piece outfits. This song was going fine until that happened.
Bulgaria: Oh, Bulgaria, you started out so well. What's happened? This one? It's called Love Unlimited which makes me think of 2 Unlimited, who are a Eurovision entry that never was. That similarity seems appropriate, since Bulgaria's entry is equally short on lyrics, and has opted to get around that by... singing it in lots of different languages. I cannot decide if I find that bad, bad in a good way, or awesome. At the moment, I'm thinking just bad, and LAZY! Anyone can google translate i love you into different languages! Seriously, write some lyrics!
And this was the result of a public vote. Oh dear, democracy is not having a good show here.
I forgot to watch this because I forgot the time difference between here and Belarus. Damn those time zones.
So, do we have something as fabulous as Born in Belarussia?
No.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
We've got a musical theatre ballad with the what now seem to be mandatory useless backing dancers flashing their sparkley knickers every so often. Seriously, what are those two dancers doing? You know, competitors, the rule is 6 people maximum on the stage, not put 2 dancers there, plus some fake instrument plays.
As the Eurovision has gotten bigger and more expensive so has the staging for a lot of the songs, with more technical stuff going on. It's the stuff everyone remembers from the show afterwards -- the conehead unicyclist, the robot biker woman, the robot, the turkey in the trolley, yet, strangely these things have never really made winners. I'm really boring, and I hope that the most ridiculous staging elements will disappear from the Eurovision. They're becoming cliched now, like changing costume halfway through the song (Croatia 2011 have surely killed that trick now). So I'd like to dedicate a moment, in this crazed nationals season to the most over-the-top, and completely unnecessary, and probably detrimental, Eurovision stagings.
I miss when ESCToday did these sorts of lists... Sigh.
10 Boxing Ring, Armenia 2011
I actually thought this was more of the song than it is watching the video now, but it's still so stupid. What does any of this have to do with boxing?
9: The wind woman thing, Belarus 2009
This might be a costume thing, I'm unsure, just go with it. When I saw this the first time I couldn't decide if it was intentional, or if some poor backing dancer's dress had taken too much wind machine and she'd gotten stuck in the whole thing and couldn't get out. This never got to the final, so we never got to see. Sigh.
8: Big gaudy heart seat, Greece 2008.
Actually, I hate this song in every way. It's tacky, too pink it's unnecessarily Greek, she rips half her dress off to reveal... slightly less dress underneath. She sings about not wanting to give a guy her secret combination despite the fact that the whole of Europe is close to seeing all of her secrets if she opens her legs again. Urgh, and people liked this. I hate people. Why does she need to have some prom float heart as well? Hasn't the message of the song already come across by now. It just goes and makes the whole thing much more tacky and awful.
7: Dita Von Teese on a sofa, Germany, 2009.
You know, all those bits of furniture and stuff don't get on the stage by themselves. There's a bunch of stage hands and managers and people running around getting this stuff on and off quickly. Do you think they ever stop and think 'What was the point of that?' What was the point of having Dita Von Teese there in the background taking a few items of clothing off? What is the point of that if the camera isn't even looking at her? Why didn't you just have a video of it? It was hyped up at the time, but when it came to it, it was all so meh, and safe for something that should have been much more.
6: Staircase for Safura, Azerbaijan 2010
Again, somewhere someone is thinking 'Do we really need to lug this thing onto the stage.' This is probably the only case where the presentation actually ruined the song. I don't think anyone got why she was on a very little staircase that was, clearly, too difficult to get down by herself. The only purpose I think it had was so the cameraman could get more of an upskirt shot of her. This might have done better if it had stayed simpler, but nooooo, they had to do a bit more. Azerbaijan must have thought better of this in 2011 because Ell and Nikki were the least stagey entry they've had.
5 the 4 screens behind Blue, UK 2011
Maybe this wasn't really over the top in the Eurovision, but I'm in the UK, so I heard a lot about Blue in the build -up to the contest, where they went on a fair bit about 'keeping things simple.' Why did they need 4 monitors with their ugly mugs on them 2 feet behind them, when the stage has a massive screen already. Couldn't they make use of that. did we need a spelling bee behind them. As for those outfits -- Blue in blue? Don't they know that winners wear black or white.
4. The treadmill stapler thing, Greece 2009
I would say this was the ultimate in ridiculous, over-the-top and unnecessary Eurovision performances but.... I don't know. It was so ridiculous it became awesome again... as did
3. the giant hamster wheel thing, Ukraine, 2009
Oh My God, this is the song that makes people think of the Eurovision as camp, gay and ridiculous. But this song is just so awful, that without it, this really would never have been in the final.
2: The ice rink, Russia 2008
I'm always confused by this one. Did Dima Bilan really want to be an ice skater or something? Where did they even find that? How did the skater not accidentally cut someone's fingers off. Did Bilan have really cold feet after? Why, just why? And did anyone find it impressive? Wasn't Bilan enough by himself? Did he need all that stuff. Admittedly, it does look sorta interesting, but I don't really get why they bothered. I dunno, maybe it's a Russian thing
1: The glass box, Sweden 2011,
Oh I just hate this smug preening tosspot anyway. He makes Alexander Rybak look just charming. Urgh, Just look at him. How I hate him, how i hate this song, how I hate anyone who liked this song.
That glass box though. What the hell are you doing? Why. It's so fake, so stagey, and does nothing. I think he's supposed to look cool, but considering most of us hardcore fans saw him throw a little strop when the technical people couldn't get it to work in rehearsals, mostly it just comes across as a rather bothersome, unnecessary gimmick in a repetitive, ugly song about wanting to be popular. Yeah, being popular, Eric, that'll make the girl like you more. You don't get rejected because you're not cool, it's because you're a tosser.
I really hate Eric Saade. I really hoped the glass wouldn't break in the final and he'd be stuck in that box. But that might have meant he'd have to do the song again. Urgh. Fuck Eric Saade.
