Every Eurovision has several entries that you struggle to remember after the contest. They're not the terrible entries, or the brilliant entries, but the ones that got lost in amongst the success or weirdness of others.
It can be really hard as well, to sit and watch and drink through 17 to 18 songs without needing to use the loo, so, here are the eurovision entries you will be most likely taking a break in.
So, here are your toilet break entries.
Cyprus
Ah Cyprus. I think of this country as The Other Malta. It's somewhere in mediterranean Europe, and they've never had an entry I could remember the tune of, with the exception of La La Love, which might have just over-repeated it's way into my head. If you didn't have issues with Turkey and/or Greece, I'd have no idea where you were on a map of europe.
TB odds. Medium. It's late in the running, so maybe you'll just hold out or go during Belgium.
Speaking of Malta...
Drama-free-Cyprus
I hate these songs in general for their pointless insipidness but appreciate Malta's dedication to providing a toilet break.
TB odds Low. You might either be too busy tweeting your snarkiness of Finland, or waiting for the much more interesting contribution from Bulgaria, but somehow, I doubt you'll notice it.
Georgia
I'm sorry, but if you're at this point in the running singing a ballad called waterfall, everyone is definitely going to the loo. (Maybe they can go grab that thing off Jedward last year for their performance, and give us the first eurovision returning prop!)
TB Odds HIGH. Nothing to see in this one.
Russia
Much as I want to say you should go for a toilet break during Denmark, I feel like it'd be wiser to go during Russia, cos I don't think anyone should endure this pile of sickening mush anyway. (Russia, really, I expected more from you. Next year, to make up for it, please send the campest Military Russian you're allowed to find with a big pink nuke singing 'I got love like bomb for you//Let me deploy/Oh Boy!'*
TB Odds: If you want to spend a long time in there, you could skip whatever shenanigans the Ukraine will have this year to compensate for a weak entry (real unicorn or GTFO), and get back nice and refreshed for the amazing Anouk. :D
In 2012, despite Sweden's English language-win the year''s top ten was one of the best in recent years for foreign language entries, with 5/12 of the songs being in their own language, counting Russia's entry as a Russian language entry ("Party for Everybody, Dance" is not the most stunning use of English.)
Serbia have continued to be the most successful country in their own language, while Albania scored their best result. Estonia also seem to be scoring better with their own language than English.
Ott Lepland. Nothing to look at here...
Does this mean anything though? Not really? After all, 2007's Serbian win is still an oddity in the current trend. But we can dream and hope ESCToday don't steal this observation for an article topic on their site in a couple of months.
The other day I had a conversation about how many countries are in the Eurovision, and how it'd be a lot less if it were 1912:
Following last years victory by Mr. Eldar and Mrs Nigar, this years contest will be held in the capital of the Russian Empire, St Petersburg. They will be represented by the young singer Mr Donald Montell.
Making it's debut in Eurovision this year is the Kingdom of Serbia, represented by Zeljko Joksimovic, singing a ballad about peace in Europe in these troubled times.
Great Britain and Ireland will be represented by brothers John and Edward Grimes, from Dublin, who have been warned not to use the event as a platform to voice Ireland's campaign for independence. Many are unsure if they have the popularity to ensure victory.
The Ottoman Empire has withdrawn from the competition this year, owing to trouble in the region, Bulgaria and Romania have opted not to compete.
Greece has just about managed to compete after economic troubles and political tensions in the region.
Sweden will be represented by Swedish-Finnish singer Miss Pernilla Karlsson with her ballad Nar Jag Blundar, while Denmark will be represented by Icelanders Greta and Jonsi, who have been warned not to use the event as a platform to voice Iceland's campaign for independence.
San Marino's Miss Monetta is singing a song about typewriters.
As the Eurovision has gotten bigger and more expensive so has the staging for a lot of the songs, with more technical stuff going on. It's the stuff everyone remembers from the show afterwards -- the conehead unicyclist, the robot biker woman, the robot, the turkey in the trolley, yet, strangely these things have never really made winners. I'm really boring, and I hope that the most ridiculous staging elements will disappear from the Eurovision. They're becoming cliched now, like changing costume halfway through the song (Croatia 2011 have surely killed that trick now). So I'd like to dedicate a moment, in this crazed nationals season to the most over-the-top, and completely unnecessary, and probably detrimental, Eurovision stagings.
I miss when ESCToday did these sorts of lists... Sigh.
10 Boxing Ring, Armenia 2011
I actually thought this was more of the song than it is watching the video now, but it's still so stupid. What does any of this have to do with boxing?
9: The wind woman thing, Belarus 2009
This might be a costume thing, I'm unsure, just go with it. When I saw this the first time I couldn't decide if it was intentional, or if some poor backing dancer's dress had taken too much wind machine and she'd gotten stuck in the whole thing and couldn't get out. This never got to the final, so we never got to see. Sigh.
8: Big gaudy heart seat, Greece 2008.
Actually, I hate this song in every way. It's tacky, too pink it's unnecessarily Greek, she rips half her dress off to reveal... slightly less dress underneath. She sings about not wanting to give a guy her secret combination despite the fact that the whole of Europe is close to seeing all of her secrets if she opens her legs again. Urgh, and people liked this. I hate people. Why does she need to have some prom float heart as well? Hasn't the message of the song already come across by now. It just goes and makes the whole thing much more tacky and awful.
7: Dita Von Teese on a sofa, Germany, 2009.
You know, all those bits of furniture and stuff don't get on the stage by themselves. There's a bunch of stage hands and managers and people running around getting this stuff on and off quickly. Do you think they ever stop and think 'What was the point of that?' What was the point of having Dita Von Teese there in the background taking a few items of clothing off? What is the point of that if the camera isn't even looking at her? Why didn't you just have a video of it? It was hyped up at the time, but when it came to it, it was all so meh, and safe for something that should have been much more.
6: Staircase for Safura, Azerbaijan 2010
Again, somewhere someone is thinking 'Do we really need to lug this thing onto the stage.' This is probably the only case where the presentation actually ruined the song. I don't think anyone got why she was on a very little staircase that was, clearly, too difficult to get down by herself. The only purpose I think it had was so the cameraman could get more of an upskirt shot of her. This might have done better if it had stayed simpler, but nooooo, they had to do a bit more. Azerbaijan must have thought better of this in 2011 because Ell and Nikki were the least stagey entry they've had.
5 the 4 screens behind Blue, UK 2011
Maybe this wasn't really over the top in the Eurovision, but I'm in the UK, so I heard a lot about Blue in the build -up to the contest, where they went on a fair bit about 'keeping things simple.' Why did they need 4 monitors with their ugly mugs on them 2 feet behind them, when the stage has a massive screen already. Couldn't they make use of that. did we need a spelling bee behind them. As for those outfits -- Blue in blue? Don't they know that winners wear black or white.
4. The treadmill stapler thing, Greece 2009
I would say this was the ultimate in ridiculous, over-the-top and unnecessary Eurovision performances but.... I don't know. It was so ridiculous it became awesome again... as did
3. the giant hamster wheel thing, Ukraine, 2009
Oh My God, this is the song that makes people think of the Eurovision as camp, gay and ridiculous. But this song is just so awful, that without it, this really would never have been in the final.
2: The ice rink, Russia 2008
I'm always confused by this one. Did Dima Bilan really want to be an ice skater or something? Where did they even find that? How did the skater not accidentally cut someone's fingers off. Did Bilan have really cold feet after? Why, just why? And did anyone find it impressive? Wasn't Bilan enough by himself? Did he need all that stuff. Admittedly, it does look sorta interesting, but I don't really get why they bothered. I dunno, maybe it's a Russian thing
1: The glass box, Sweden 2011,
Oh I just hate this smug preening tosspot anyway. He makes Alexander Rybak look just charming. Urgh, Just look at him. How I hate him, how i hate this song, how I hate anyone who liked this song.
That glass box though. What the hell are you doing? Why. It's so fake, so stagey, and does nothing. I think he's supposed to look cool, but considering most of us hardcore fans saw him throw a little strop when the technical people couldn't get it to work in rehearsals, mostly it just comes across as a rather bothersome, unnecessary gimmick in a repetitive, ugly song about wanting to be popular. Yeah, being popular, Eric, that'll make the girl like you more. You don't get rejected because you're not cool, it's because you're a tosser.
I really hate Eric Saade. I really hoped the glass wouldn't break in the final and he'd be stuck in that box. But that might have meant he'd have to do the song again. Urgh. Fuck Eric Saade.
