Your 4 Toilet Break Entries

Every Eurovision has several entries that you struggle to remember after the contest. They're not the terrible entries, or the brilliant entries, but the ones that got lost in amongst the success or weirdness of others. 

It can be really hard as well, to sit and watch and drink through 17 to 18 songs without needing to use the loo, so, here are the eurovision entries you will be most likely taking a break in.

So, here are your toilet break entries.

Cyprus

Ah Cyprus. I think of this country as The Other Malta. It's somewhere in mediterranean Europe, and they've never had an entry I could remember the tune of, with the exception of La La Love, which might have just over-repeated it's way into my head. If you didn't have issues with Turkey and/or Greece, I'd have no idea where you were on a map of europe. 

TB odds. Medium. It's late in the running, so maybe you'll just hold out or go during Belgium. 

Speaking of Malta...

Drama-free-Cyprus

I hate these songs in general for their pointless insipidness but appreciate Malta's dedication to providing a toilet break. 

TB odds Low. You might either be too busy tweeting your snarkiness of Finland, or waiting for the much more interesting contribution from Bulgaria, but somehow, I doubt you'll notice it.

Georgia

I'm sorry, but if you're at this point in the running singing a ballad called waterfall, everyone is definitely going to the loo. (Maybe they can go grab that thing off Jedward last year for their performance, and give us the first eurovision returning prop!)

TB Odds HIGH. Nothing to see in this one. 

Russia

Much as I want to say you should go for a toilet break during Denmark, I feel like it'd be wiser to go during Russia, cos I don't think anyone should endure this pile of sickening mush anyway. (Russia, really, I expected more from you. Next year, to make up for it, please send the campest Military Russian you're allowed to find with a big pink nuke singing 'I got love like bomb for you//Let me deploy/Oh Boy!'*

TB Odds: If you want to spend a long time in there, you could skip whatever shenanigans the Ukraine will have this year to compensate for a weak entry (real unicorn or GTFO), and get back nice and refreshed for the amazing Anouk. :D

Malta National Final

Oh, my god! This has to be the most painful national final to sit through. overly long, with a full TWENTY minutes before a song seemed to be sung, cheesy production, ridiculous song titles, (someone elsewhere said they were like they'd picked names from a hat -- if you're reading this, lets marry), and too many adverts, and a presenter who was looking at his ipad either for his phony cue or there was some very engrossing porn on there.

Anyway, an apology to Glen Vella, Malta's 2011 representative. When I first heard last years Maltese entry found it irritatingly cheesy, camp and boybandy, and GAY! -- like he was accomodating for bravado, which is an irritating thing with eurovision, which is something that requires a complex discussion but i'll sum up here by saying that with the exceptions of the village people, there's not really such a thing as a 'gay song' or a 'gay audience.' When I first heard Glen Vella's Eurovision entry One Life all i heard was "vote for me gay audience, i'm being disco and fabulous, and inclusive, and all that. You're gay so you like disco and feather boas and saying faaaaabulous. So I'm perfect' And it was irritating. But, once i forgot all that, I remembered that it was kind of a cool disco tune. It's still quite pandering to a certain cliche audience, but, I dunno. I feel like, for the cliche, it's a better end of cliche. So Glen Vella, I would like to add you to my list of Semi-Final losers who should have been there. You never would have won, but i like you more than that bullshit from Romania or Denmark.

Moving on to this year...  Kurt Calleja

I fear for Eurovision this year. Is it just me or does this one sound like Cyprus's entry? A tiny Mediterranean island should not enter a song that resembles another tiny Mediterranean island's entry, but be lamer.


First lyric of the song:

#Hey
Look at me
Can't you see
That I'm into you#

Oh fuck off with this shit. Just fuck off. No, I've had it enough with this club wank, this pseudo-misogyny with  guys singing songs about getting girls, like they're a pint of milk and they pick it up and woo, they has the milk (maybe this is not the appropriate metaphor). Where's the love, the romance? No, now you get the impression that if you turn down the likes of Eric Saade, Alex Sparrow and Kurt here you're gonna be harassed forever, until they're popular and that they'll be coming to get you and this will be the night they -- not you, oh non-descript object of their magazine derived affections -- will be a star. They're self involved, vain and tedious.

That is all that I have to say. Goodnight. lol x roflcopter