Iceland's finalists this year are a questionable lot, and have me wondering if all that cold and snow has done something to their brains. The best song of the lot is the one the public never chose. You're not even going to give Yohanna another shot? Fools!
So, these are the finalists
1: Birgitta Haukdal, Medal Andanna'
Generic eurovision contemporary ballad. Written by Jonas Gladnikoff. Probably would have appeared in someone else's national final if it hadn't been here. Will clearly wind up in English if it won. Yawn.
What's with all the drums this year? This could have a twee-fight with Switzerland's Not-Heilsarmee. Seriously, they'd throw flowers, joy and peace and we'd all vomit. It would be biological warfare. No, people, no!
3: Eyþór Ingi Gunnlaugsson, "Ég á Líf"
We're sure this is a 2013 entry right? Because you could easily stick this in 1995's Eurovision. Nothing would need changing. Not even the hair. How did this qualify? Even Ireland would reject this.
Another that feels like it might have been in Ireland's national final once. Distracted by all the peachy orange colours. I feel like I'm too old to like this one.
6: Haraldur Reynisson, "Vinátta"
Is this guy huge in Iceland (as huge as you can be in Iceland)? I can't work out why this guy gets into the finals. I mean, it's ok, but it's not exactly setting anyone's world alight. Who voted for this? Does Haraldur own the phone lines? Does he have a really big family? Why?
7: Magni Ásgeirsson "Ekki Líta Undan"
Iceland, you fools, how could you not pick Magni the first time! What is wrong with you? How could you pick Haraldur? Magni and his facial hair are flawless, send him to Eurovision. Seriously, it has improved:
Firstly, her name sounds like gateaux. Now I want some gateaux.
Secondly, I don't want Denmark to win. Copenhagen and Malmo are too close together, so close that I'll be staying in the former for Eurovision. I want somewhere else to win.
So, while I like this song, and think it does manage to get the right balance on being twee and celtic, and doesn't have superfluous dancers, I'm prejudiced against Denmark. They're always one of those sure things for the final. It's so boring.
(All these Celtic influences in other people's finals. Will anything rub off on Ireland this year? Or will they just grab some swedish songwriter again, to sing #Generic pop song 44? Sigh)
Well, I've taken so long to getting around to the current crop of confirmed eurovision entries because, well, they're all kinda unremarkable. I just don't have much to say about it.
Let's round it up
Switzerland: 'You and Me' - whatever Heilsarmee are now called.
Since I always thought the dorkiest and cringiest part of this song was the Salvation Army aspect, the fact that the EBU have prevented that makes this song a bit better. I mean, it's still twee and kinda preachy, but it's not a man dressed as a monkey or an 88 year old's attempt to be cool. Plus, with Bosnia and Turkey, both generally certain qualifiers, out of the picture, it's possible this song might pick up some votes in a good spot. How do the Swiss get on with Sweden?
Belgium: 'Love Kills', Roberto Bellarosa.
This guy really can't sing. Which is a shame, there seems like an ok song underneath his flat scratchy voice. An OK song, though, probably not a qualifier. Oh, Belgium.
Albania: 'Identitet', Adrian Lulgjuraj & Bledar Sejko
I've nothing to say about this song. I've forgotten this song literally while writing this comment. All I will ever now think of with Albania is this:
Albania, bless you, for making this map of Albania, Kosovo and Montenegro, and giving me the biggest laugh ever. Bless whoever in the graphic studio decided to not included the serbian, macedonian and greek borders around them. And bless my computer's 'prt sc' button.
Lithuania: 'Something' - Andrius Pojavis
For consistency he should avoid the usual anglicising of his name for the international audience, and just rename himself 'Someone.' The song is actually not too bad, indie pop not dissimiliar to The Killers, but it has one of the worst recent cliches of Eurovision entries: the SUPERFLUOUS DANCERS. What the fuck are they doing back there? Why is she doing weight training exercises? Wouldn't just some guitarists and drummers be better? He's got a quirky enough look by himself, let's not overdo it.
Ukraine: 'Gravity' - Zlata Ognevich
Since Ukraine's one of those irritating guaranteed qualifiers, does anyone care. This songs a bit pointless and forgettable for them, full of insufferable cliches and some questionable english, but they're qualifiers for sure, so, whatever, I don't care. Bring back the hamster wheels and centurions.
The Ukraine will definitely qualify. Albania and Belgium are forgettable. Lithuania may qualify, though I think it should lose the quirkiness and just go as an indie song, and Switzerland, well, I'm not so sure. This could well get into the final. I mean, it's not a winner, and it'll probably come last, but it might well scrape into the final. I mean, it's not like San Marino are gonna threaten their chances.... unless....
*sees a faint sign on the horizon of an old lady with a skateboard*
Belarus's national final was tonight, but it's hard to get excited about their songs because the past few years have been such a mess. Last year (in Eurovision years, not real-life ones) Alyona's song was overruled by the president for voting discrepancies, in 2011 the fabulous 'Born in Belarussia' was disqualified for being too old, in 2010 3+2 (the worst band name) changed songs for.... some reason that no one remembers or cares about. Belarus are a country that has an awful lot of drama picking its songs for a country that has only qualified for the final twice since 2004.
So, this is what Belarus have picked. In December. For a contest in May.
Since I wasn't paying attention to who the contestants were, I didn't know that this was last years disqualified winner. She has an uphill struggle with this song, if it stays, since it seems like people are suspicious about her spectacular scoring in the final (3rd song performed out of 10??? A unanimous vote? O RLY???) But you know, I like this song, it's catchy, not completely irritating as dance tracks can often be. It reminds me a bit of Albania's entry in 2009.
I don't think it's a winner, and I imagine the Swedes will put it in one of the death slots, but its decent enough.
Democracy doesn't always work with music. Most people have appalling taste.
Switzerland's nationals kicked off back in September but I have no time, and am not quite hardcore enough, to care about all bazillion of Switzerland's future probable non-qualifier of an entry. Except for Lys Assia's loltastic choice. But alas, or praise be, she didn't get through to the final. So, what do we have then?
1: Anthony Bighead, Do The Monkey
Ooooooooooook. Lets just skip past this certain non-qualifier.
2: Heilsarmee, You and Me
Probably better to listen to than watch. I think this one would grow on me, it's memorable if a touch repetitive, but I'm unsure about the look of them. They would go they way of Joan Franka, I suspect -- decent song but looks like a joke.
3: Jessie Ritch, Forever and A Day
Typical Talent Show Runner Up song that's totally boring but shows off the vocals they've been demonstrating for weeks in a show that pretends that singing ability is all there is to it. Bored, bored bored. Boring. Bored. Everyone's going to vote for this aren't they?
4: Melissa, The Point of No Return
Starts a bit Pet Shop Boys, but then gets a bit generic, then gets a bit boring. Not sure I like the Safura styling. Vagina teasing dresses in beige are foul. But the song could be good, or it could go the way of Je t'adore. Possibly....
5: Carrousel, J'avais Rendesvous
La Francaise. Oui, le language! (Yeah, my french is terrible, but this song is not, and suspiciously like France 2007's Rendevous, which I liked. Assuming Sweden don't screw everyone over when the draw is done, it could work.
6: Nicholas Fraissinet, Leve Toi
Reminds me of Keane. NEVER A RECOMMENDATION!
7: Nill Klemm, title too boring to listen to.
The way this video starts, I was expecting something more hardcore. Nope, it's a boring guy with a guitar, and dancers who are surely listening to a different song.
8: Ally, Catch Me
Doesn't inspire much feeling in me. Maybe because it's a bit jazzy, and I just can't stand that.
9: Chiara Dubey, Bella Sera
Ballad. Unembarassing, but equally unremarkable.
So, I'd go for, Heilsarmee, Melissa, or Carrousel. I'm not convinced any of these could be winners, but these three could manage to stay in the respectable part of the eurovision's musical spectrum.
