Eurovision competitors so far

Well, I've taken so long to getting around to the current crop of confirmed eurovision entries because, well, they're all kinda unremarkable. I just don't have much to say about it. 

Let's round it up

Switzerland: 'You and Me' - whatever Heilsarmee are now called.

Since I always thought the dorkiest and cringiest part of this song was the Salvation Army aspect, the fact that the EBU have prevented that makes this song a bit better. I mean, it's still twee and kinda preachy, but it's not a man dressed as a monkey or an 88 year old's attempt to be cool. Plus, with Bosnia and Turkey, both generally certain qualifiers, out of the picture, it's possible this song might pick up some votes in a good spot. How do the Swiss get on with Sweden? 

Belgium: 'Love Kills', Roberto Bellarosa.

This guy really can't sing. Which is a shame, there seems like an ok song underneath his flat scratchy voice. An OK song, though, probably not a qualifier. Oh, Belgium. 

Albania: 'Identitet', Adrian Lulgjuraj & Bledar Sejko

I've nothing to say about this song. I've forgotten this song literally while writing this comment. All I will ever now think of with Albania is this: 

Albania, bless you, for making this map of Albania, Kosovo and Montenegro, and giving me the biggest laugh ever. Bless whoever in the graphic studio decided to not included the serbian, macedonian and greek borders around them. And bless my computer's 'prt sc' button. 

Lithuania: 'Something' - Andrius Pojavis

For consistency he should avoid the usual anglicising of his name for the international audience, and just rename himself 'Someone.' The song is actually not too bad, indie pop not dissimiliar to The Killers, but it has one of the worst recent cliches of Eurovision entries: the SUPERFLUOUS DANCERS. What the fuck are they doing back there? Why is she doing weight training exercises? Wouldn't just some guitarists and drummers be better? He's got a quirky enough look by himself, let's not overdo it. 

Ukraine: 'Gravity'  - Zlata Ognevich

Since Ukraine's one of those irritating guaranteed qualifiers, does anyone care. This songs a bit pointless and forgettable for them, full of insufferable cliches and some questionable english, but they're qualifiers for sure, so, whatever, I don't care. Bring back the hamster wheels and centurions. 

The Ukraine will definitely qualify. Albania and Belgium are forgettable. Lithuania may qualify, though I think it should lose the quirkiness and just go as an indie song, and Switzerland, well, I'm not so sure. This could well get into the final. I mean, it's not a winner, and it'll probably come last, but it might well scrape into the final. I mean, it's not like San Marino are gonna threaten their chances.... unless....

*sees a faint sign on the horizon of an old lady with a skateboard*

.... Uh oh...

Alyona Lanskaya will not be defeated again

Belarus's national final was tonight, but it's hard to get excited about their songs because the past few years have been such a mess. Last year (in Eurovision years, not real-life ones) Alyona's song was overruled by the president for voting discrepancies, in 2011 the fabulous 'Born in Belarussia' was disqualified for being too old, in 2010 3+2 (the worst band name) changed songs for.... some reason that no one remembers or cares about. Belarus are a country that has an awful lot of drama picking its songs for a country that has only qualified for the final twice since 2004.


So, this is what Belarus have picked. In December. For a contest in May.

Since I wasn't paying attention to who the contestants were, I didn't know that this was last years disqualified winner. She has an uphill struggle with this song, if it stays, since it seems like people are suspicious about her spectacular scoring in the final (3rd song performed out of 10??? A unanimous vote? O RLY???) But you know, I like this song, it's catchy, not completely irritating as dance tracks can often be. It reminds me a bit of Albania's entry in 2009.

I don't think it's a winner, and I imagine the Swedes will put it in one of the death slots, but its decent enough.

 Democracy doesn't always work with music. Most people have appalling taste.

Eurovision nations 2013

I'm not really interested in the world. I only care about Eurovision. If you're not in Eurovision, you don't exist.

So, here's your 2013 Eurovision map.

[EDIT: It's easier to read the map if you open it in a new window/tab]

Oh Portugal, whyyyyyyyyyyyy! Why have you left! I will miss you, and i was rooting for you to win! Don't give up now! It's only been 46 times!

Switzerland's finalists

Switzerland's nationals kicked off back in September but I have no time, and am not quite hardcore enough, to care about all bazillion of Switzerland's future probable non-qualifier of an entry. Except for Lys Assia's loltastic choice. But alas, or praise be, she didn't get through to the final. So, what do we have then? 

1: Anthony Bighead, Do The Monkey

Ooooooooooook. Lets just skip past this certain non-qualifier. 

2: Heilsarmee, You and Me

Probably better to listen to than watch. I think this one would grow on me, it's memorable if a touch repetitive, but I'm unsure about the look of them. They would go they way of Joan Franka, I suspect -- decent song but looks like a joke. 

3: Jessie Ritch, Forever and A Day

Typical Talent Show Runner Up song that's totally boring but shows off the vocals they've been demonstrating for weeks in a show that pretends that singing ability is all there is to it. Bored, bored bored. Boring. Bored. Everyone's going to vote for this aren't they? 

4: Melissa, The Point of No Return

Starts a bit Pet Shop Boys, but then gets a bit generic, then gets a bit boring. Not sure I like the Safura styling. Vagina teasing dresses in beige are foul. But the song could be good, or it could go the way of Je t'adore. Possibly.... 

5: Carrousel, J'avais Rendesvous

La Francaise. Oui, le language! (Yeah, my french is terrible, but this song is not, and suspiciously like France 2007's Rendevous, which I liked. Assuming Sweden don't screw everyone over when the draw is done, it could work. 

6: Nicholas Fraissinet, Leve Toi

Reminds me of Keane. NEVER A RECOMMENDATION!

7: Nill Klemm, title too boring to listen to. 

The way this video starts, I was expecting something more hardcore. Nope, it's a boring guy with a guitar, and dancers who are surely listening to a different song. 

8: Ally, Catch Me

Doesn't inspire much feeling in me. Maybe because it's a bit jazzy, and I just can't stand that. 

9: Chiara Dubey, Bella Sera

Ballad. Unembarassing, but equally unremarkable.

So, I'd go for, Heilsarmee, Melissa, or Carrousel. I'm not convinced any of these could be winners, but these three could manage to stay in the respectable part of the eurovision's musical spectrum. 

Lys Assia's back, and she's brought her gang.

http://www.eurovisionplattform.sf.tv/videos/all_in_your_head

Oh, God, Switzerland, I Love You! Not only do you have your national final in this very quiet season, providing much needed nourishment for our eurovision appetitie, but you've already given us what will surely be a contender for the prize of 'contestant we feel secondhand embarassment for.'

I genuinely don't think I've ever seen anything so jarring. I actually think there might be two seperate songs here that could work, but together is some weird, highly awkward mess, with some very bad connotations.  Something that makes more sense with pictures (Unfortunately, I don't know how to screencap this without the pause button in the middle. so just go with this.)

So. the bland pop beats begin, and in comes New Jack.

Note the look of not so much excitement as SHEER TERROR!

Here comes Lys Assia. Note the look of not so much excitement as SHEER TERROR!

Lys Assia is down with the kids. She knows the Lingo!

Glasses Jack prays to Lys Assia. Because anyone glowing that much must be Jesus? Right? Lys Assia's expression? Anyone's guess!

The Jack's ponder Lys Assia's expression

"Can we get Ice cream Lys! Can we, CAN WE! PLEASE!"

Seriously, should anyone other than Jesus or angels glow like that?

Lys Assia trying to be... erm... I got nothing here.

Those Shades are probably prescription. She's probably blinded by her own glowiness.

Oh, god, the dancing here! The dancing!

Is she radioactive?

Lys Assia with her crew/gang/posse. GANGSTAS!

Woah, Lys is gonna show us some MOVES!

Or maybe not?

Her facial expression here tells us that she's just realised what's going on?

I just realised, I think there might be a 'message' in this song. :|










'

Bundesvision

This afternoon, thanks to folks on twitter, I have been watching Bundesvision 2012.

http://www.myspass.de/myspass/shows/tvshows/bundesvision-songcontest/Bundesvision-Song-Contest-2012-Teil-3--/10228/


I'd never heard of this before which puts my Eurovision nerdery to shame. So, how did I find a German-language regional mini Eurovision?

In many ways it seemed like a national final for Eurovision. I'm surprised it's not staged later to fit in with the selection for that, but I guess that would take away from the German element of it. If it seems like Germany's Eurovision entries are all a bit Snow Patrol or Lily Allen/Kate Nash for your liking, and miss a good german-language entry (Austria did not  provide this year), this is your show.

Opening to the Eurovision theme, and followed by Stefan Raab's 2000 entry, it's not surprise to find that this is the project of Stefan Raab. Oh Stefan, you'll never leave us!  Will you? WILL YOU?

The songs themselves seemed very much like Eurovision entries, but without the more confining rules that make Eurovision entries somewhat formulaic (6 stage members, 3 minutes long, etc.) As I said, it has a national final vibe, which is probably why it seems a lot less showy than the Eurovision, which has masses of money thrown in. Or it's like 90s Eurovision, where songs seemed more song-like, and there weren't ridiculous stage props and costume changes all over the place.

The voting I find hilarious. Each of the 16 regions of Germany votes in the same way as eurovision with one crucial difference: they can give themselves the 12 points. Which basically means the loser gets to know that they really suck and no one likes them if they end with less than 12 points -- your own region didn't even like you! 

Like Eurovision, there was the usual advantage of performing last, with the winner performing last and second place performing second last. I preferred the second place, Laing, but 'electronica lady sound' is probably more my thing than German Eminem singing for his homies in the Rhine Valley*

Second Place: Laing, 'Morgens immer müde', Saxony

Winner: Xavas, 'Schau nicht mehr zurück' Baden Wurttemberg

*Baden Wurttemberg might well be a real hard place of guns, hos and a hard street life. I don't know, never been there.

Other notables: Saarland's Die Orsons and Cro. 'Horst and Monika' -- Thanks to the video, this song probably the one that makes sense without a knowledge of German.

Vierkanttretlager, 'Fotoalbum'  -- I dunno, I just like this one.

Worst songs: Johanna Zeul from Saxony-Anhalt and Cris Cosmo from Hesse. Johanna was just poor (I can't find decent live performances, but the full show is linked at the top)  while Cris Cosmo clearly thinks he's in a more exciting band.

Malmo or Copenhagen

http://www.eurovision.tv/page/news?id=malmoe_to_host_eurovision_2013

It's so nice of Sweden to chose a host city that gives us two city options to stay in. It also means that "Är Öresundsbron den längsta i Europa?" may not be the most useless question I've ever learnt!