Why Army of Lovers couldn't get into Eurovision

Even though they totally should be, and everything about them is campy eurotrash, Army Of Lovers would never have shined at Eurovision. Their Melodifestivalen performance emphasised that.

Firstly, these three can't sing live, especially La Camilla who can't even pretend to mime properly, so they would have been so screwed anyway. But it would have been gloriously screwed and host countries shouldn't be making too much effort.  

But also, their biggest hits were 'Crucified' and 'Israelism'. They were trading on 90s disco mashes of heaving breasts and religiosity. 'Crucified' might just pass, but 'Israelism' would never have made it into Eurovision, not even if, or especially if, it were Israel's entry. And sure, Jean-Pierre can wear nothing but a pair of knickers and nipple shields and dry-hump the dancers, but La Camilla can't. Can't have too much sex at the Eurovision, might terrify the young vote, or the old vote, whichever is more sensitive. 

Their song and performance seemed like the effort of a band who'd been asked not to do all the things people like them for, and made them noteworthy in the first place, leaving them with a bland repetitive pop chorus, and disjointed verses from La Camilla and Jean Pierre. Sean Banan's Copacabanana already got this year's comedy spot, but it's a bland, unfilling bit of crap (much like bananas - I don't like banana's.) Army of Lovers though, have a bit more depth to them, and mainstream pop doesn't suit them A sparkly vagina cross couldn't suffice. We wanted so much more, and didn't, or couldn't get it. 

On a positive note,  Jean-Pierre and La Camilla are the only people who ever looked better for dressing like they were still 20 somethings, and Army of Lovers could still be something. In a place that doesn't have rules about brand names, religion, and is totally fine with same-sex kissing. 

Now they're out, there's nothing worth noting about Sweden this year, it's just a push to make Ulrik Munther a star, which urgh, pass me the sick bag. 

Ireland 2013

Bad Ireland, Bad, bad, bad. How, of the choices that you had, did you manage to pick the worst song of the 5. Ryan Dolan is so utterly devoid of personality even his official music video struggles to focus on him. 

I mean, what? The utter love-in this boy got made me think he must have paid off the head of RTE for the success of it. I mean, something obviously traumatised this guy from Price Waterhouse Cooper who was overseeing the fairness of everything.

 

That is not the expression of a happy man, just taking it easy listening to Eurovision contenders. This is a man who will need therapy for many years to come, 

But despite the easy live charm of Son Kez, or the potential for smut in Kiss Me There (a terrible live song though), the respectably dull Crashing Down or even Fire, which I can never remember, we went with something that begins as a clone of Eric Saade's Popular. 

A success that Tooji failed at repeating and which Dolan will even more so if he tries. He's like a bad sequel to a franchise that had diminishing returns. He is the Sex and The City 2 of music.

The Sex and the City 2 of music. 

Slovenia 2013

Two words:

Fucking Dubstep

Shining a loving light in your eyes with the fire in your heart

Sometimes I think the Eurovision should allow things like Facebook, or We Don't Wanna Put In. Because it might help prevent basic, boring crap like Austria.

Urgh.

She's not even wearing an interesting dress. That's the t-shirt and pants you go to a 9am classics lecture in, or like. That's your hair for doing laundry. What she needed was a feather boa jumper like Bandaloop. What they should have chosen was Bandaloop.

I'm beginning to worry that this year is going to be a very boring year for songs.

Cascada - Glorious

It was pretty much taken as read  a while back that Cascada would win the German National Final. 

Since Cascada's pretty well known in Europe, I think this is going forward as a favourite now. I've never been to Germany, so I'm cool with that. It's currently 10/1 with Norway, Denmark and Armenia in the lead. I've already said I don't want a Danish win, and Norway's song bores me. So Germany it is. 

This song is Euphoria without the artsy pretensions, though. 

Seriously. It is. 

Ireland Eurosong 2013 entrants

Since 1997 Ireland have kinda been floating around in the Eurovision quite directionless. The contest has moved on and, not being a country like Russia or Azerbaijan, they can't just throw money at the biggest producer around to give them their next big hit. Ireland's economic situation in recent years has not helped. A good song is needed, but, like, could someone really cheap write it?

Ireland, like a lot of countries, seem to view it as an opportunity to showcase their own talents. The problem though, with that, is that this leaves you, like other small nations, selecting from a limited group. That isn't really a problem, per se, because Eurovision has always been a competition where a small nobody can defeat more successful performers. Their competitions are not nearly as limited as Iceland's, with the same performers every year, or as desperate as San Marino, once under the threat of being lumped with Lys Assia (a fate that was avoided in favour of Valentina 'Facebook' Monetta.)

Song-wise though, it's been caught between a rock and a hard-place. Since the abysmal disaster of Dervish, they've been flailing trying to get something attention grabbing and good, while modern, but distinctly Irish. Dustin the Turkey was a welcome reaction to Dervish, and a chance to show some Irish humour.  Sinead Mulvey and Black Daisy just kinda lacked a real spark, Niamh Kavanagh garnered some interest, but had nothing particularly modern about her, and Jedward... well, it was just a two year parade of stupid hair, with what might have been hits if they were ever decent enough singers to perform them (and just what the fuck was that fountain thing about last year?) 

So, what have we got this year? The typical line-up of Ireland's Eurosong. A ballad, three generic pop songs that could be from any national final, and a trad song. 

Let's start with the ballad: Aimee FitzPatrick, Crashing Down

I just don't really like these kind of songs. To me, soft slow love songs are just all one and the same song. These are songs that show more the talent of the singer. They're like pulp romance novels, the same cliches gone over and over. This one is singing about how she will be something. Something... yes, maybe, but not a Eurovision entry. ' This song is so pointless, it doesn't even build to an end, it just stops. Considering the girl is only 17, this seems a bit wasted on her.

The three generic pop songs:
Zoe Alexis Borhoquez, Fire
Ryan Dolan, *something i can't even be bothered to look up*
Kasey (With a 'K', which just makes me think she's a Kardashian) Kiss Me There 

Is there even anything to say about these. They strike me as all equally tedious and cheap. 'Kiss Me There' has the slight edge, but it doesn't seem like it would translate well live. Though, Fire already has a video...

The trad song
Inchequin, Son Kez/The Last Time

By Ireland's standards this is not that bad. Although, Dervish really set the bar quite low on that one, and we're in a post-Jedward landscape. I think the concept, International Irish, is better than the execution, and it seems like a mash of several different songs. The fact that these guys are an actual band, not something assembled for eurovision, raises it slightly in my estimation, as cultural crossovers can be so cheap and clumsy. It is interesting though, and I don't hold hope that the others would do anything spectacular live. It could be a grower, but I have a sense that Kiss Me There or Fire is going to be pushed on us, and this one will get screwed over by the voters. Which is a shame. 

Nordic Round Up - minus Sweden.

Iceland didn't pick Magni, BOOO

Norway didn't pick Alexander Rybak's baby sister, or whatever she was. HOORAH! He looked like this about the matter

Norway's entry, some ode to feeders, inspires no real opinion in me. It just seems odd and flat. But it's not Rybak, so ahahahahahahhahahahahahaha!

And Finland picked this:

Where to even start with this one?

Ok, firstly, if you want to marry him that badly, why can't you propose. This is the 21st century?

Secondly, "I'm your slave and you're my master." Are you fucking serious?

Thirdly: Did you grab that dress from a bin?

Fourthly: Did you grab this song from a bin?

Fifthly: This song's rhyme-scheme is so bad, and that's in a year that already rhymed 'paris' with 'where is' 

Sixthly: Is 'sixthly' a word?

Seventhly: If he takes a shot at you, I hope it's through a long-range rifle.

Eighthly: Why do you have to 'walk  a walk of shame?' What kind of marriage are you in?

Ninthly: If you can get past the line in the second verse about her giving him cute babies, you're a stronger person than me.

Tenthly: This is not a way to get a guy to propose.