Chapter 3 of Freshers by Joanna Davies

Or as I'll rename it CLICHES! Or maybe that's CLLICHES! It's WALES!

It's the day after the last chapter. God, I hope the pace picks up a bit!

THE VIRGIN (FORWYN! IT'S WELSH!)

Because she's a nice sweet innocent virgin, she feels bad about what happened to Hywel. Because Cerys is a whore, she doesn't care.

Lois starts being jealous while some girls talk to Cerys and Lois eats some horrible pasta bake and is disappointed that university doesn't come with fine cuisine, napkins, waiters, and three types of fork.

Lois meets another girl called Fflur (IT'S WELSH!) They go and see a gig by one of the most popular bands in Wales!

No, not them!

Oh, fuck no! 

They're not even Welsh

No, Bounty Hunter. Who are obviously a fictional band. Cos, quite frankly, if performing in Aberystwyth is a career breakthrough that makes you the biggest thing in Wales, you're definitely fictional. And shit. She's attracted to the lead singer. He's a sensitive tortured soul. Richey Edwards totally stole all his moves. 

'Lois fixed her eyes on Daniel: his sensitivite features showing he was lost in the moment, his supple hands stroking the guitar as if it was a woman.'  You know, I think people think that sounds like a sexy sensual idea, but i bet in reality it'd be a bit bruising.

That looks like it'd hurt!



THE WHORE (BUTAIN! IT'S WELSH)

Cerys goes off with the girls from earlier. They're called the Fat Slags. They're older and rule the college, and it's paper! The name isn't ironic. They're Fat, and have slept around? They're this novel's villains. They're fat, ugly, bitchy, gossipy and they've slept with boys! So they're evil! This novel has some incredibly fucked up presentations of women for a novel written by a woman and published by a women's writing press.

Anyway, they tell her of Marc Arwel. He's the sexy older sophisticated man that Cerys wants. He's more stunning than Fabrice! He's a Welsh History lecturer. The Fat Slags have never scored with him. But Cerys had already met him at registration and he'd eyed her up there. Which is obviously the behaviour of a respectable academic. Cerys decides she doesn't like Lois cos she's still a virgin and she lost hers at 15, with a sixth former.

Anyway, the Fat Slags tell her she looks like 'jailbait!' She goes up to Marc Arwel, in her 'short hot pants and perky little breasts' Man, Davies likes Cerys's breasts. And do you need to specify hot pants are short? He tells her he's thinking of an 'extra curricular activity' with her. Within the length of time it takes to drink a Gin and Tonic, she's off to shag him in a hotel. I don't know if Davies actually means for this scene to read as sexy, or incredibly disturbing.

The next bit though will scar you for life, as Marc takes her to a hotel that definitely doesn't exist in Aber because nowhere out of the uni is 6-7 floors high, and has sex with her. It's built up to with this amazing line

'Cerys you're amazing,' Marc sighed as he wrenched her skimpy knickers off.'

He 'wrenched' her 'skimpy' knickers?

'Hey! Those are new!'
'I'll buy you a hundred pairs of knickers!' Marc laughed before diving into the depths of her femininity like a greedy cat a bowl of tuna.'

Now, let me ruin cat videos for you forever.

I have to go find some brain bleach!

Chapter 2 of Freshers by Joanna Davies

Chapter 2 and our stereotypes are at Aberyswyth now!

THE VIRGIN!

Lois is disappointed that her dorm room looks like a dorm room.

'In her mind, Lois had imagined an airy, freshly decorated room with a beautiful sea-view.' What, the uni didn't provide pictures and details of the accomodation? Aberystwyth's accomodation is halfway up a steep hill that every student will remember walking up in Fresher's Week when they didn't know to get the buses. So, you know, maybe you can just swap rooms with someone who has got a sea view.

The view she does have doesn't sound too bad though.

'From the outside it looked like a splendid and majestic stone building: built in the 19th century, with gorgeous gardens surrounding its vantage point on Penglais Hill!' See, that doesn't sound awful. Better than getting a view of the laundry room and the college bar where people sang along to 'I believe in a thing called Love' by The Darkness three times every night, AAARGH GOD IT WAS HORRIBLE AAAARGH, WHY, WHY, WHYYYYYYY!

Sorry, flashbacks.

Anyway, there's also a goth in the halls. She has a biker boyfriend and swears. Presumably in Welsh, because everyone in this novel is a Welsh speaker.

Then they talk about getting dressed to go out on the town. Lois is going to wear a demure black dress, cos, you know, sweet virgin! Cerys is wearing her red hot pants. And a tight boobs hugging t-shirt. Cos, you know, WHORE! Cerys tells her to wear lots of make-up so the barmen don't think they're underage. It's Fresher's Week, you're in a university town, and it's 1991. No one is going to be asking for anyone's ID. Hywel's going too. No one cares about Hywel. Lois apparently is disappointed to hear that Law students have to study stuff at university, and that she'd only chosen to do law because she'd been watching LA LAW. AHAHAHAHAHAHA. That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.

How's the Whore?

THE WHOOOOORRREEE!

She got some drinks off a rugby guy named Huw (because it's Wales!). She fantasises about a sexy older man, like a guy named Fabrice she knew. I'm waiting for the novel to do some kind of switch here and tell us that she's actually a virgin. Otherwise I'm gonna think that Cerys is actually a hooker, since she reminisces here about a French city boy who she'd met in a 5 star hotel in St. Tropez, who was at least 30 years old! 'That was the kind of man she was looking for but would she find a sophisticated older fox like that in old-fashioned little Aberystwyth.' The French Department?

Girl, why the fuck are you even going to Aberystwyth, if apparently you've had some jetsetting lifestyle of sex and romance with hot Europeans. You had choices, I assume, and it doesn't sound as if money is an obstacle. Why not Cardiff? Why not London? Why not a continental university?  Why university at all? Academics are not that well paid, and not that attractive. 

'This bloody hill is a killer.' Ah, Penglais Hill. I remember stumbling up it drunkenly once back to my halls. By the time I reached the top I was sober. It was a pretty good night, and I didn't have a hangover.

Did I mention that I, myself, was an 18 year old fresher in Aberystwyth? Oh yeah, this novel is personal!

Some third year guys are having some initiation party and Cerys's £100 Toni and Guy hairdo might get ruined! £100! FOR A HAIRDO? IN 1991? Toni and Guy charge about £150 in Cardiff now for the most expensive styling option.

HYWEL

Hywel gets tormented by Huw and the stereotypical jock boys for being a nerdy Bible Basher. 

Chapter 1
Chapter 3

Chapter by chapter review of Freshers by Joanna Davies

Yeah, I've kinda forgotten about this blog for a while. Maybe because I was too traumatised by the book I'm going to inflict upon you chapter by chapter. I was thinking of just reviewing this book, but then I realised, there's no way I can explain just how awful I think this book is!

So, here goes:

From the Amazon description: 'It's the early 1990s and Lois, Cerys and Hywel are freshers at university. Lois is the quiet type, Cerys is a complete extrovert and Hywel is an evangelist trying to live up to his parents' high expectations. Full of black humour and dangerous spirit, Freshers is a tale of sex, drugs and rock'n'roll, of leaving home and of finding a whole new world.' That blurb is so cliched sounding that I am amazed anyone could seriously read this, but apparently there is a university that inflicted it on students. (Aberystwyth?)

Freshers is a novel that was originally published in Welsh, and apparently caused a bit of a stir. Being a success in the Welsh-language field (which is not exactly huge), it was reprinted in English by Welsh women's publisher Honno. The publisher describes themselves as 'an independent co-operative press run by women and committed to bringing you the best in Welsh women's writing.' Joanna Davies explains this translation here which ends with one of the most threatening statements I've ever seen:

'My next plan of action is to make Freshers the movie'

HELP! 

 Anyway, let's start with Chapter 1.

 Each chapter is subdivided into first person narratives from each character. So let's being with Joanna. I mean Lois. I mean Mary-Sue.

LOIS:

 Lois is a nerd! She's a nerd because of her 'frenzied Eisteffod going.' Eisteddfod, for all my eurotrashy friends, is a Welsh language culture festival. I've no idea if Welsh speakers regard it as nerdy or a Welsh-language piss-up. I'm not sure Davies does either, but apparently 'it had been amazing fun. Plenty of booze and plenty of laughs... an opportunity to flirt with boys!' So, it's a nerdy Welsh-language piss-up! Dunno what she's bothered about. 

 Oh wait, yeah, She's a virgin! An 18 year old VIRGIN! 'Lois was still reluctantly in possession of her innocence.' In Davies's interview she says the translation added 20,000 words (!) to the novel. That sentence, and pretty much the next three chapters probably explain where they went! VIRGIN! VIRGIN. SHE'S A VIRGIN.

 The rest of this chapter is just pointless drivel about her mum, who's like you know, boring and uncool, and cries about her leaving and it's all just so nice! Lois is a nice lovely virgin girl from a nice lovely lovely family, and her best friend is Cerys.

CERYS:

Cerys is a whore. She's introduced her admiring herself and her sexy red hot pants that she's convinced her parents to get her (since she's the daughter of an absent father [DADDY ISSUES!!!] and a Cool Mom!  

Anyway, trying on another outfit, we get a more coherent idea of her unfathomable, and frankly hideous, 1991 fashion:

'A thigh high leather mini-dress slashed from the neck to the navel. With her cowboy boots and denim jacket this was another sure-fire man magnet.'

 Yeah, er... if you're a hooker. That description is basically plagiarising Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman, WITH the Hooker thing: 

 Cerys has an entire wardrobe of outfits presumably like this. Which she's going to wear as a student in Aberyswyth. I salute this girl. She is amazing! Because Aberystwyth, and I know this for a fact, is FUCKING FREEZING! Cerys's body is genuinely amazing, because she can wear outfits like this in Wales, and apparently she isn't suffering from hypothermia.

And this is my first major problem with the novel. Our two main characters are a Virgin Mary Sue and a Whore. This novel was published in 2010, by a women's publisher. And yet, our two main characters represent the overused Virgin/Whore Dichotomy of female characters in culture that was outdated even in the 20th century. This was written by a woman. But these are not real women. This isn't any woman you've ever met in real life. This is a fantasy character. A male fantasy character too. This isn't 'a bit of dramatic license.' This is just poor, cliched, characterisation.

 

HYWEL

He's a Christian Stereotype, but in WALES.  

 

onto Chapter 2

 

 

Other Slavic Girls

Now Eurovision is over, and it's not till September that Switzerland will start their ridiculously long selection for a song that isn't as embarassing as Takasa, I need to think about something else for a while. 

So.... poetry!  :D 

One of my favourite poets is Wisława Szymborska (1923-2012), from Poland, and winner of the Nobel Prize in Literature. Unlike in the UK, where no one seems to care about poetry, Szymborska was pretty well known in Poland. I picked up Szymborska's books by chance, being the sort of 'bad' English literature student that reads stuff that isn't studied. 

Compared with a lot of mid-century Soviet Era Eastern European writers, I find her quite accessible. (Her life wasn't as brutal as some of her contemporaries though, which probably goes a long way.) Her writing could be very dryly humoured, as well as quite dark. 'Hitler's First photograph'  is a standout poem, but the poem that I always remember, and that many of us probably have experienced,  is 'Writing A Resume': 

What needs to be done?

Fill out the application

and enclose a résumé.

Regardless of the length of life

a résumé is best kept short.

Concise, well-chosen facts are de rigueur.

Landscapes are replaced by addresses,

shaky memories give way to unshakable dates.

Of all your loves mention only the marriage,

of all your children only those who were born.

Who knows you counts more than who you know.

Trips only if taken abroad.

Memberships in what but without why.

Honors, but not how they were earned.

Write as if you’d never talked to yourself

and always kept yourself at arm’s length.

Pass over in silence your dogs, cats, birds,

dusty keepsakes, friends, and dreams.

Price, not worth,

and title, not what’s inside.

His shoe size, not where he’s off to,

that one you pass yourself off as.

In addition, a photograph with one ear showing.

What matters is its shape, not what it hears.

What is there to hear, anyway?

The clatter of paper shredders.

And if you read all that, thanks a lot. Here's some Polish Boobs! 

It's been a while.

Here's the 2014 Eurovision Map 

Last year's is here 

This might become a thing...

Post-Eurovision thoughts

It would have been nice to have a more surprise winner than Denmark. Online bookmakers have taken something from the competition, with only favourites getting noticed and everyone else getting left behind. I think for sure though that every contestant should insist on having lots of gold confetti that looks like winner's confetti sprayed midway through their song. With a wall of pyro rain. I mean, it can't hurt to style your song like its already won?

I don't know that I want to go to Copenhagen again next year.

Azerbaijan's 5th top five position might be deserved, but the murkiness around the allegations made against it will probably overshadow all successes for that country. It seems like it should be in the EBU's and Azerbaijan's interest to clear this one up for good, instead of just handwaving it away with 'oh but there's always rumours.' Why would you want every success to seem tainted and suspicious? Incidentally, Azerbaijan got more 12 points this year than they year that they won, and 2 more than Denmark's entry. Make of that what you will.

Ukraine's third place, and Russia's fifth place somehow seem like they could face a knock-on effect of the Azeri rumours.

Norway's fourth place brings the contest to a few more familiar faces in the top 5. It's been a while since there wasn't one scandinavian in there. Quality, or block-voting, it's just too hard to call. (Could any of the regular non-qualifiers have entered this song.

Greece - still do their Greek thing, and still seem to get somewhere with it, so there's really no reason for them to ever change.

Italy - Handsome man, good ballad, but not exactly mind-blowing. Probably the best spot it could have got.

Malta - I think if he were my doctor, I'd develop hypochondria. I judge Europe's taste on this one.

The Netherlands and Hungary finished the top 10 with two very unEurovision styles and tempos, and minimal staging. Perhaps there'll be more of this in the future, but people like Romania will always be the ones that get remembered, especially by people who deride the contest as silly.

Belgium deserve some credit for turning this one around. Remember when it had odds of 200/1? I still like to think though that we're all imagining the two female dancers and Roberto Bellarosa is going back to Belgium going 'I had no strange dancers, you've all gone mad.'

Sweden was more enjoyable to see in Sweden, among its home crowd than watching anywhere else. Still, hosts shouldn't put too much effort in anyway. Who wants to risk hosting twice? I mean, apart from Azerbaijan...

Georgia - I praise Lordi that this didn't do really well, because this was so generic and uninspiring. I think being 'ethnic' can go wrong, but something with more Georgian flavour, and not leftovers of Thomas G:?!BBQWTFSon would be welcome (but not Anri Jokhadze again! NOOOOOOOOOOO!)
Belarus - whatever, Rhythm of Love was better.

Iceland - yay! Icelandic! I love Iceland. Deserved to be higher.

Armenia - God, this bore of a song should never have qualified. Should have been last!

United Kingdom - Not enough of what makes/made Bonnie Tyler interesting.

Estonia - Honestly, I think I just forget this one was still in there. Nice, but I'd have forgotten it too.

Germany - Wasn't Cascada a favourite at one point? What went wrong? Well, apart from everyone saying it was plagiarising last year's winner?

Lithuania - I was so glad he played this song straight in the end. Glad this qualified, and indie songs, and I think this was the best of the Baltics.

France - I blame my sister for making me hate this one.

Finland - Tacking a fake lesbian kiss at the end doesn't make this a song about equality. Anyone who thinks that hasn't been paying much attention to the lyrics. This should have been last, with Armenia. Bollocks to this song, and anyone claiming it as a 'gay anthem.'

Spain - Well, someone on the Italian jury must have loved you, cos only mr god knows why you got 2 points from them.  I'm not good enough at maths to work this out.

Ireland in NO WAY DESERVED LAST PLACE! I'm not saying the song was a winner, but if Denmark won, this deserved to be nearer the top. HOT DRUMMER BOYS! HOT DRUMMER BOYS.

Their hotness alone surely makes them worthy of at least one Douze Pointe? So tight.

Your 4 Toilet Break Entries

Every Eurovision has several entries that you struggle to remember after the contest. They're not the terrible entries, or the brilliant entries, but the ones that got lost in amongst the success or weirdness of others. 

It can be really hard as well, to sit and watch and drink through 17 to 18 songs without needing to use the loo, so, here are the eurovision entries you will be most likely taking a break in.

So, here are your toilet break entries.

Cyprus

Ah Cyprus. I think of this country as The Other Malta. It's somewhere in mediterranean Europe, and they've never had an entry I could remember the tune of, with the exception of La La Love, which might have just over-repeated it's way into my head. If you didn't have issues with Turkey and/or Greece, I'd have no idea where you were on a map of europe. 

TB odds. Medium. It's late in the running, so maybe you'll just hold out or go during Belgium. 

Speaking of Malta...

Drama-free-Cyprus

I hate these songs in general for their pointless insipidness but appreciate Malta's dedication to providing a toilet break. 

TB odds Low. You might either be too busy tweeting your snarkiness of Finland, or waiting for the much more interesting contribution from Bulgaria, but somehow, I doubt you'll notice it.

Georgia

I'm sorry, but if you're at this point in the running singing a ballad called waterfall, everyone is definitely going to the loo. (Maybe they can go grab that thing off Jedward last year for their performance, and give us the first eurovision returning prop!)

TB Odds HIGH. Nothing to see in this one. 

Russia

Much as I want to say you should go for a toilet break during Denmark, I feel like it'd be wiser to go during Russia, cos I don't think anyone should endure this pile of sickening mush anyway. (Russia, really, I expected more from you. Next year, to make up for it, please send the campest Military Russian you're allowed to find with a big pink nuke singing 'I got love like bomb for you//Let me deploy/Oh Boy!'*

TB Odds: If you want to spend a long time in there, you could skip whatever shenanigans the Ukraine will have this year to compensate for a weak entry (real unicorn or GTFO), and get back nice and refreshed for the amazing Anouk. :D