It's been a while.

Here's the 2014 Eurovision Map 

Last year's is here 

This might become a thing...

Post-Eurovision thoughts

It would have been nice to have a more surprise winner than Denmark. Online bookmakers have taken something from the competition, with only favourites getting noticed and everyone else getting left behind. I think for sure though that every contestant should insist on having lots of gold confetti that looks like winner's confetti sprayed midway through their song. With a wall of pyro rain. I mean, it can't hurt to style your song like its already won?

I don't know that I want to go to Copenhagen again next year.

Azerbaijan's 5th top five position might be deserved, but the murkiness around the allegations made against it will probably overshadow all successes for that country. It seems like it should be in the EBU's and Azerbaijan's interest to clear this one up for good, instead of just handwaving it away with 'oh but there's always rumours.' Why would you want every success to seem tainted and suspicious? Incidentally, Azerbaijan got more 12 points this year than they year that they won, and 2 more than Denmark's entry. Make of that what you will.

Ukraine's third place, and Russia's fifth place somehow seem like they could face a knock-on effect of the Azeri rumours.

Norway's fourth place brings the contest to a few more familiar faces in the top 5. It's been a while since there wasn't one scandinavian in there. Quality, or block-voting, it's just too hard to call. (Could any of the regular non-qualifiers have entered this song.

Greece - still do their Greek thing, and still seem to get somewhere with it, so there's really no reason for them to ever change.

Italy - Handsome man, good ballad, but not exactly mind-blowing. Probably the best spot it could have got.

Malta - I think if he were my doctor, I'd develop hypochondria. I judge Europe's taste on this one.

The Netherlands and Hungary finished the top 10 with two very unEurovision styles and tempos, and minimal staging. Perhaps there'll be more of this in the future, but people like Romania will always be the ones that get remembered, especially by people who deride the contest as silly.

Belgium deserve some credit for turning this one around. Remember when it had odds of 200/1? I still like to think though that we're all imagining the two female dancers and Roberto Bellarosa is going back to Belgium going 'I had no strange dancers, you've all gone mad.'

Sweden was more enjoyable to see in Sweden, among its home crowd than watching anywhere else. Still, hosts shouldn't put too much effort in anyway. Who wants to risk hosting twice? I mean, apart from Azerbaijan...

Georgia - I praise Lordi that this didn't do really well, because this was so generic and uninspiring. I think being 'ethnic' can go wrong, but something with more Georgian flavour, and not leftovers of Thomas G:?!BBQWTFSon would be welcome (but not Anri Jokhadze again! NOOOOOOOOOOO!)
Belarus - whatever, Rhythm of Love was better.

Iceland - yay! Icelandic! I love Iceland. Deserved to be higher.

Armenia - God, this bore of a song should never have qualified. Should have been last!

United Kingdom - Not enough of what makes/made Bonnie Tyler interesting.

Estonia - Honestly, I think I just forget this one was still in there. Nice, but I'd have forgotten it too.

Germany - Wasn't Cascada a favourite at one point? What went wrong? Well, apart from everyone saying it was plagiarising last year's winner?

Lithuania - I was so glad he played this song straight in the end. Glad this qualified, and indie songs, and I think this was the best of the Baltics.

France - I blame my sister for making me hate this one.

Finland - Tacking a fake lesbian kiss at the end doesn't make this a song about equality. Anyone who thinks that hasn't been paying much attention to the lyrics. This should have been last, with Armenia. Bollocks to this song, and anyone claiming it as a 'gay anthem.'

Spain - Well, someone on the Italian jury must have loved you, cos only mr god knows why you got 2 points from them.  I'm not good enough at maths to work this out.

Ireland in NO WAY DESERVED LAST PLACE! I'm not saying the song was a winner, but if Denmark won, this deserved to be nearer the top. HOT DRUMMER BOYS! HOT DRUMMER BOYS.

Their hotness alone surely makes them worthy of at least one Douze Pointe? So tight.

Your 4 Toilet Break Entries

Every Eurovision has several entries that you struggle to remember after the contest. They're not the terrible entries, or the brilliant entries, but the ones that got lost in amongst the success or weirdness of others. 

It can be really hard as well, to sit and watch and drink through 17 to 18 songs without needing to use the loo, so, here are the eurovision entries you will be most likely taking a break in.

So, here are your toilet break entries.

Cyprus

Ah Cyprus. I think of this country as The Other Malta. It's somewhere in mediterranean Europe, and they've never had an entry I could remember the tune of, with the exception of La La Love, which might have just over-repeated it's way into my head. If you didn't have issues with Turkey and/or Greece, I'd have no idea where you were on a map of europe. 

TB odds. Medium. It's late in the running, so maybe you'll just hold out or go during Belgium. 

Speaking of Malta...

Drama-free-Cyprus

I hate these songs in general for their pointless insipidness but appreciate Malta's dedication to providing a toilet break. 

TB odds Low. You might either be too busy tweeting your snarkiness of Finland, or waiting for the much more interesting contribution from Bulgaria, but somehow, I doubt you'll notice it.

Georgia

I'm sorry, but if you're at this point in the running singing a ballad called waterfall, everyone is definitely going to the loo. (Maybe they can go grab that thing off Jedward last year for their performance, and give us the first eurovision returning prop!)

TB Odds HIGH. Nothing to see in this one. 

Russia

Much as I want to say you should go for a toilet break during Denmark, I feel like it'd be wiser to go during Russia, cos I don't think anyone should endure this pile of sickening mush anyway. (Russia, really, I expected more from you. Next year, to make up for it, please send the campest Military Russian you're allowed to find with a big pink nuke singing 'I got love like bomb for you//Let me deploy/Oh Boy!'*

TB Odds: If you want to spend a long time in there, you could skip whatever shenanigans the Ukraine will have this year to compensate for a weak entry (real unicorn or GTFO), and get back nice and refreshed for the amazing Anouk. :D

Anouk, Birds

Holy crap, Netherlands, where did you get this from? After the disaster that brought up Sieneke, did anyone expect anything remarkable from this country again? I mean, I thought Joan Franka was cute, but that song was a hard sell.

This year, they decided to skip past voting, and just picked internally. And honestly, this year has been quite a mess for national finals, Sweden has international juries (why?) overruling their public vote, Belarus doesn't understand the point at all, Bulgaria clearly doesn't trust it's public, and there's plagiarism accusations flying everywhere, along with superfluous dancers and Loreen, who, like all winners, is at far too many of these things and becoming quite irritating with her pretentious dancing.

I cannot say enough nice things about this song. It's a classy and grown-up ballad that doesn't have some stupid cliche of shining love light bright eyed hearts because of youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu at the centre. Look at those lyrics:

Isolated from the outside

Clouds have taken all the light

I have no control, it seems my

Thoughts wander all

Of the time, when I tried to

Live life without you

Birds falling down the rooftops

Out of the sky like raindrops

No air, no pride

If being myself is what I do wrong

Then I would rather not be right

Hopes turned into fear and with my

One wing I can't fly

With sunrise, embrace my

Dreams tight and that's why

Birds falling down the rooftops

Out of the sky like raindrops

No air, no pride

Birds

To a place without fear, with no moonlight

(To a place without moonlight and fear)

All I need are trees and flowers and some sunlight

(All I need is trees, some flowers and sunlight)

Where memories are being made and where the old one dies

Where love ain't lies

Birds falling down the rooftops

Out of the sky like raindrops

Birds falling down the rooftops

Out of the sky like raindrops

No air, no pride

That's why birds don't fly It's freaking poetry people. Last year we had the fake 'arty' winner. Now let's have the proper one. Amsterdam 2014! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Israel 2013

Has anyone commented on the hair and glasses of this lady?

Has anyone SEEN the hair and glasses on this lady? 

I did not know they made formal scuba gear? 

BOOBS! 

Oh Belarus

Remember back in December when Belarus picked?

Well, its probably for the best if you dont, cos Alyona's gone and changed her bloody song!

And I'm more indifferent to this one than the other.

I assume the Belarussians are just using this contest as a way of plugging two different singles for the price of one.

*insert Bonnie Tyler joke*

So, after weeks of rumour, or weeks of people telling everyone who it was and being told not to repeat it, the BBC have decided to announce....

Bonnie Tyler.

Bonnie Tyler, I assumed, being born in the mid-80s after her career had faded a bit, was a one-hit wonder of probably the definitive cheesey 80s power ballad, Total Eclipse of the Heart. It's not a song that I think anyone can take seriously, but undoubtedly, you've heard of it. (at least watch the literal video version!)

But, apparently she's been power-ballading all over Europe as a fairly gracefully-surgeried 61 year old. (If you squint, she's like Cascada in clothes.) So she has a new song.

I never thought Engelbert Humperdinck's song was that bad last year, and I blame its second-to-last spot on its position in the running order (Since Tooji came last, I wouldn't blame it on his age.) Tyler's song is in that guitar-pop ballad genre of pleasantness that I don't really like, like Denmarks past few entries. I don't like that, it's far too sappy, but lots of other people do.

I suspect the build-up did not help this one. I mean, they could have just announced it ages ago, instead of keeping it as some big secret. They were never going to get any love for their entrant though, whoever they chose. As far the miserable media is concerned, Eurovision is a bunch of gay foreigners. And no one is EVER going to be good enough. Because no one is ever going to be Bucksfizz.

The BBC seems to think the rest of the competition was frozen in time with that song. Everyone hates Bucksfizz. They were terrible, even in the 80s. It was a dated song even then. Bonnie Tyler's biggest hits of the 80s are more contemporary than Bucksfizz. And they weren't even the last time the UK won. Apart from a blip in the 90s when they were a bit good, and they won, the BBC have just been consistently acting like it's still 1981. And IT ISN'T.

Careers don't fade because you stopped being cool and popular, and Humperdinck and Tyler are both credible singers with continuing success beyond the British Isles (yep, that does happen!), but they are not really very modern, which is the key problem. The UK needs to get something modern.

Why Army of Lovers couldn't get into Eurovision

Even though they totally should be, and everything about them is campy eurotrash, Army Of Lovers would never have shined at Eurovision. Their Melodifestivalen performance emphasised that.

Firstly, these three can't sing live, especially La Camilla who can't even pretend to mime properly, so they would have been so screwed anyway. But it would have been gloriously screwed and host countries shouldn't be making too much effort.  

But also, their biggest hits were 'Crucified' and 'Israelism'. They were trading on 90s disco mashes of heaving breasts and religiosity. 'Crucified' might just pass, but 'Israelism' would never have made it into Eurovision, not even if, or especially if, it were Israel's entry. And sure, Jean-Pierre can wear nothing but a pair of knickers and nipple shields and dry-hump the dancers, but La Camilla can't. Can't have too much sex at the Eurovision, might terrify the young vote, or the old vote, whichever is more sensitive. 

Their song and performance seemed like the effort of a band who'd been asked not to do all the things people like them for, and made them noteworthy in the first place, leaving them with a bland repetitive pop chorus, and disjointed verses from La Camilla and Jean Pierre. Sean Banan's Copacabanana already got this year's comedy spot, but it's a bland, unfilling bit of crap (much like bananas - I don't like banana's.) Army of Lovers though, have a bit more depth to them, and mainstream pop doesn't suit them A sparkly vagina cross couldn't suffice. We wanted so much more, and didn't, or couldn't get it. 

On a positive note,  Jean-Pierre and La Camilla are the only people who ever looked better for dressing like they were still 20 somethings, and Army of Lovers could still be something. In a place that doesn't have rules about brand names, religion, and is totally fine with same-sex kissing. 

Now they're out, there's nothing worth noting about Sweden this year, it's just a push to make Ulrik Munther a star, which urgh, pass me the sick bag. 

Ireland 2013

Bad Ireland, Bad, bad, bad. How, of the choices that you had, did you manage to pick the worst song of the 5. Ryan Dolan is so utterly devoid of personality even his official music video struggles to focus on him. 

I mean, what? The utter love-in this boy got made me think he must have paid off the head of RTE for the success of it. I mean, something obviously traumatised this guy from Price Waterhouse Cooper who was overseeing the fairness of everything.

 

That is not the expression of a happy man, just taking it easy listening to Eurovision contenders. This is a man who will need therapy for many years to come, 

But despite the easy live charm of Son Kez, or the potential for smut in Kiss Me There (a terrible live song though), the respectably dull Crashing Down or even Fire, which I can never remember, we went with something that begins as a clone of Eric Saade's Popular. 

A success that Tooji failed at repeating and which Dolan will even more so if he tries. He's like a bad sequel to a franchise that had diminishing returns. He is the Sex and The City 2 of music.

The Sex and the City 2 of music. 

Slovenia 2013

Two words:

Fucking Dubstep

Shining a loving light in your eyes with the fire in your heart

Sometimes I think the Eurovision should allow things like Facebook, or We Don't Wanna Put In. Because it might help prevent basic, boring crap like Austria.

Urgh.

She's not even wearing an interesting dress. That's the t-shirt and pants you go to a 9am classics lecture in, or like. That's your hair for doing laundry. What she needed was a feather boa jumper like Bandaloop. What they should have chosen was Bandaloop.

I'm beginning to worry that this year is going to be a very boring year for songs.

Cascada - Glorious

It was pretty much taken as read  a while back that Cascada would win the German National Final. 

Since Cascada's pretty well known in Europe, I think this is going forward as a favourite now. I've never been to Germany, so I'm cool with that. It's currently 10/1 with Norway, Denmark and Armenia in the lead. I've already said I don't want a Danish win, and Norway's song bores me. So Germany it is. 

This song is Euphoria without the artsy pretensions, though. 

Seriously. It is. 

Ireland Eurosong 2013 entrants

Since 1997 Ireland have kinda been floating around in the Eurovision quite directionless. The contest has moved on and, not being a country like Russia or Azerbaijan, they can't just throw money at the biggest producer around to give them their next big hit. Ireland's economic situation in recent years has not helped. A good song is needed, but, like, could someone really cheap write it?

Ireland, like a lot of countries, seem to view it as an opportunity to showcase their own talents. The problem though, with that, is that this leaves you, like other small nations, selecting from a limited group. That isn't really a problem, per se, because Eurovision has always been a competition where a small nobody can defeat more successful performers. Their competitions are not nearly as limited as Iceland's, with the same performers every year, or as desperate as San Marino, once under the threat of being lumped with Lys Assia (a fate that was avoided in favour of Valentina 'Facebook' Monetta.)

Song-wise though, it's been caught between a rock and a hard-place. Since the abysmal disaster of Dervish, they've been flailing trying to get something attention grabbing and good, while modern, but distinctly Irish. Dustin the Turkey was a welcome reaction to Dervish, and a chance to show some Irish humour.  Sinead Mulvey and Black Daisy just kinda lacked a real spark, Niamh Kavanagh garnered some interest, but had nothing particularly modern about her, and Jedward... well, it was just a two year parade of stupid hair, with what might have been hits if they were ever decent enough singers to perform them (and just what the fuck was that fountain thing about last year?) 

So, what have we got this year? The typical line-up of Ireland's Eurosong. A ballad, three generic pop songs that could be from any national final, and a trad song. 

Let's start with the ballad: Aimee FitzPatrick, Crashing Down

I just don't really like these kind of songs. To me, soft slow love songs are just all one and the same song. These are songs that show more the talent of the singer. They're like pulp romance novels, the same cliches gone over and over. This one is singing about how she will be something. Something... yes, maybe, but not a Eurovision entry. ' This song is so pointless, it doesn't even build to an end, it just stops. Considering the girl is only 17, this seems a bit wasted on her.

The three generic pop songs:
Zoe Alexis Borhoquez, Fire
Ryan Dolan, *something i can't even be bothered to look up*
Kasey (With a 'K', which just makes me think she's a Kardashian) Kiss Me There 

Is there even anything to say about these. They strike me as all equally tedious and cheap. 'Kiss Me There' has the slight edge, but it doesn't seem like it would translate well live. Though, Fire already has a video...

The trad song
Inchequin, Son Kez/The Last Time

By Ireland's standards this is not that bad. Although, Dervish really set the bar quite low on that one, and we're in a post-Jedward landscape. I think the concept, International Irish, is better than the execution, and it seems like a mash of several different songs. The fact that these guys are an actual band, not something assembled for eurovision, raises it slightly in my estimation, as cultural crossovers can be so cheap and clumsy. It is interesting though, and I don't hold hope that the others would do anything spectacular live. It could be a grower, but I have a sense that Kiss Me There or Fire is going to be pushed on us, and this one will get screwed over by the voters. Which is a shame. 

Nordic Round Up - minus Sweden.

Iceland didn't pick Magni, BOOO

Norway didn't pick Alexander Rybak's baby sister, or whatever she was. HOORAH! He looked like this about the matter

Norway's entry, some ode to feeders, inspires no real opinion in me. It just seems odd and flat. But it's not Rybak, so ahahahahahahhahahahahahaha!

And Finland picked this:

Where to even start with this one?

Ok, firstly, if you want to marry him that badly, why can't you propose. This is the 21st century?

Secondly, "I'm your slave and you're my master." Are you fucking serious?

Thirdly: Did you grab that dress from a bin?

Fourthly: Did you grab this song from a bin?

Fifthly: This song's rhyme-scheme is so bad, and that's in a year that already rhymed 'paris' with 'where is' 

Sixthly: Is 'sixthly' a word?

Seventhly: If he takes a shot at you, I hope it's through a long-range rifle.

Eighthly: Why do you have to 'walk  a walk of shame?' What kind of marriage are you in?

Ninthly: If you can get past the line in the second verse about her giving him cute babies, you're a stronger person than me.

Tenthly: This is not a way to get a guy to propose.

Iceland Finalists

Iceland's finalists this year are a questionable lot, and have me wondering if all that cold and snow has done something to their brains. The best song of the lot is the one the public never chose. You're not even going to give Yohanna another shot? Fools! 

So, these are the finalists

1: Birgitta Haukdal, Medal Andanna'

Generic eurovision contemporary ballad. Written by Jonas Gladnikoff. Probably would have appeared in someone else's national final if it hadn't been here. Will clearly wind up in English if it won. Yawn.

2: Svavar Knútur Kristinsson & Hreindís Ylva Garðarsdóttir Hólm, 'Lífið Snýst'

What's with all the drums this year? This could have a twee-fight with Switzerland's Not-Heilsarmee. Seriously, they'd throw flowers, joy and peace and we'd all vomit. It would be biological warfare. No, people, no!

3: Eyþór Ingi Gunnlaugsson, "Ég á Líf"

We're sure this is a 2013 entry right? Because you could easily stick this in 1995's Eurovision. Nothing would need changing. Not even the hair. How did this qualify? Even Ireland would reject this. 

4:   Jógvan Hansen & Stefanía Svavarsdóttir "Til þín"

The uninteresting version of Greta and Jonsi. 

5: Unnur Eggertsdóttir, "Ég Syng!"

Another that feels like it might have been in Ireland's national final once. Distracted by all the peachy orange colours. I feel like I'm too old to like this one. 

6: Haraldur Reynisson, "Vinátta"

Is this guy huge in Iceland (as huge as you can be in Iceland)? I can't work out why this guy gets into the finals. I mean, it's ok, but it's not exactly setting anyone's world alight. Who voted for this? Does Haraldur own the phone lines? Does he have a really big family? Why?

7: Magni Ásgeirsson "Ekki Líta Undan"

Iceland, you fools, how could you not pick Magni the first time! What is wrong with you? How could you pick Haraldur? Magni and his facial hair are flawless, send him to Eurovision. Seriously, it has improved:

Before: Dodgy soul patch

Now: More beardy. 

Denmark: Emmelie De Forest, Only Teardrops

Firstly, her name sounds like gateaux. Now I want some gateaux.

Secondly, I don't want Denmark to win. Copenhagen and Malmo are too close together, so close that I'll be staying in the former for Eurovision. I want somewhere else to win.

So, while I like this song, and think it does manage to get the right balance on being twee and celtic, and doesn't have superfluous dancers, I'm prejudiced against Denmark. They're always one of those sure things for the final. It's so boring.

(All these Celtic influences in other people's finals. Will anything rub off on Ireland this year? Or will they just grab some swedish songwriter again, to sing #Generic pop song 44? Sigh)