What the Kitty doesn't like...

or a more suitable Eurovision entry for San Marino

I'm just saying!

P.S. My kitteh is gorgeous, even if she is plotting my death.

Obligatory faves post

So, as a eurovision blogger i must name my choice of favourite. That is the routine for the next two months.

My favourite song, that I would listen to outside of eurovision, that i would dance to at clubs with a bottle of wine in me (and more, likely)?

Israel, Izabo, Time
Indie pop goodness!

The ponies know the truth, even if they're pointing to their right

Dincky

Well, obviously it was going to be a ballad! It's not a piano ballad though, which makes me slightly relieved. If I see one more piano...

Musically, it's not that bad, though not something that will set the world alight, or the UK's hopes. The simple guitar gives it an almost Spanish sound, making it seem European without smacking you in the face without making references to various capital cities. The lyrics are a bit cheesy, but it's not repetitively banal.

Of the many things the UK have entered, there's nothing here really to be embarassed by. The fact that he's old seems rather narrow-minded. People don't have to drop off the face of the earth once the flourish of youth is gone. What, does everything think Saade and Tooji won't get old and ugly soon?* Scooch, Jemini and Daz Sampson (OH GOD THAT SONG!) will always be their lowest points.

 

Saade, Young Humperdinck and Tooji

*assuming you don't think they're pretty fug already. 

Belgium: Would You?

A description of Belgium's entry:

Iris doubts the sincerity of her lover. She feels that her relationship has reached a certain, crucial point and is wondering what her boyfriend would do if she left him. Would he miss her, like any other boy would? Or not? 

What? Iris is 17 years old? Who gives a toss if he would miss her or not? You're 17! You couldn't have even had sex for more than a year, legally! Whose relationship are you talking about? 

Seriously, there is a complete disconnect between the lyrics of this song, and the performer. A young girl asking 'What would you do if my house was empty?/ You took my love for granted/ would you really miss me?' What house? You're still in school! How has he taken your love for granted? How can you have even had a lengthy relationship? Why can't you get your dad to go round to his house and give him a slap? 

Seriously, you're not even out of high school! 

 I'm totally passing on this song. Annoyingly false ballad. 

Shameless self-promotion

Right, the Eurovision scene is about to go quiet for a couple of months, and since I'm not interested in speculating for the next two months on who will or will not be in the final, and who will win, and what points latvia will get, and if Loreen will break records, or if Dincky will have a heart attack and die before May, I'd like to direct viewers to my other side www.poetcards.com where I am trying to sell arty poetry postcards, and perhaps fund a future flight to Stockholm for next years Eurovision. 

Facebook is so 2006.

Oh Valentina.... Maybe your facebook is all cybersex and chatting and socialising but most people just have walls of obnoxious arguments with relatives they don't like and endless unfunny photoshop pictures of cats.

Oh, and people complaining about fucking TIMELINE! Cos it's really shit!

Latvia: Now with improved English

Latvia's entry has been altered a bit. Oh, don't worry, concerned readers, it's still bad! The lyrics are just slightly more grammatically correct (as far as dodgy songs can be grammatically correct)

The more I see of Anmary and this song, the less I get it, or understand where it's trying to go. The video seems so po-faced and serious, but the lyrics and theme of the song are just so appallingly stupid. I seriously thing this should be a comedy entry, but this video suggests they really do intend to play it straight.

Or this joke is being too subtle? I dunno, maybe this is a very covert Silvia Night.

Montenegro

So this is Montenegro's big comeback? Oh Dear.




It's worse than Georgia. It's a good thing this and Georgia aren't in the same semi, or we'd have to argue about what was the WORST of the two.

Bosnia: Korake ti Znam

PIANO BALLAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PIIANNOOO

Sorry, it's just, I never muster up much enthusiasm for these kinds of entries. And they're the ones that are hardest to blog about

Her fake piano playing has improved since last year*. Kudos to fake playing** to the end, not getting up halfway and having the piano turn into a rocket (which would be awesome, but out of place)***

Piano ballad's are the sensible way of sayng 'we don't really want to win, but we're not going to do something ridiculous either.' It was what everyone figured 1994's Irish entry was. Except that time, it worked! 

* Actually I love that fake playing. Fake playing must be kinda boring, anyway. Why try seriously? 

**Or maybe she's genuinely playing. I don't really care. It won't be live at the Eurovision anyway, from what I gather. 

*** Ukraine seem like the country who'd this. Get on that! 

Greece, Eleftheria Eleftheriou

Eleftheria Eleftheriou

Eleftheria Eleftheriou 

That is quite a name. 

Anyway, this is such a typical boring, slightly greek but mostly rubbish sexy girl jumping over dancers thing. 

Anyway, Greece win the award for Shittest and cheapest looking national final! It's in a shopping centre. Specifically the River West Mall in Greece. I'm not sure why Greece has a mall full of English-language names. The hosts are on the escalator, there's a Next store in the background.  

The most amazing thing about this song is the stage they're standing on. I said it on twitter several times, but THAT is not a stage. That is several tables from IKEA pushed together. I'm amazed when they stand in one corner the whole thing doesn't tip over. 

I hope this stays in the semi final, it's just too far too bland to leave an impression, good or bad. Aside from her name. It's interesting how many dull songs are from 'guaranteed' finalists. I'm so hoping this year is going to have a very different mix of finalists to usual. 

Italy again!

Italy has decided to change their entry again.

I assume the reasoning was that this one is 3:02 seconds and a better fit for Eurovision than Per Sempre, which needing a bit of chopping down in length. This also sounds more like a song that'll be fitted to English, and make her the sassy italian amy winehouse type (but without the drink and drugs) that her look seems to suggest. Sigh.

That, or they're subtly trying to get us to listen to all nina zilli's songs?

Another blogger, I can't remember who, summed up the problem of the language changes as being that the lyrics are always over-simplified in English, and more cliched and trite. That is definitely the problem. (Sorry, I've read loads of blogs lately, xx)

The Second Semi Final: Who's gonna be a finalist?

Obvious finalists:

Bloody Sweden: Shut the hell up about this song now! I am damn sick of this one already. All the 'oh, it's Sweden 2013' hype. I sense this one will end up being the closing song on the show.
Norway:  Saade2 can seriously fuck off too, but he's going to the final, I think that's for certain.
Ukraine: This is one of those countries that has a secure block to give it a final place, though my preference would be for it to stay in the semi.
Serbia: A disappointment, but I think he's a certainty too.
Bosnia and Herzegovina: Without the remaining yugoslav nations having anything special, this one is also likely to take the rest of the balkan vote that Serbia doesn't get. Also yet to have missed a final.

Obvious losers:
Georgia: This will probably come last.
Macedonia: I've already forgotten it!
Croatia: See above
Estonia: See above above
Slovakia: See three lines up.

Dark Horses:
Netherlands: I actually think this one is cute and is Netherlands's best song for a few years. But they do have a poor track record, so...
Belarus: They're also hit and miss, but there's actually not much competition behind the obvious choices.
Bulgaria: Depends where it falls in the first half.

The rest seem like scoreboard filler which will come and go without much interest at all.

Language score, out of 17 non-English speaking countries: 7

Portugal

Don't you just love Portugal? Don't you just love their persistence in the Eurovision with no victories?

It's really quite adorable. They'll always be my pick to win, until it happens.

(I actually liked last years song)

Plus they sing in their own language

This has a very typical Portugueuse vibe about it. Dramatic ballad. A rewrite of Senhora Do Mar. If you liked that one, this ones ok.

And, i'm assuming, the pointless dancers will be gone at the final, since there's 5 backing singers there. I do hate  pointless dancers.

Romania, Mandinga Zaleilah

As I'm a fan of national language entries, this one already pleases me by being partly non-English. 

They've got a hipster with bagpipes, for some reason.

The singer gives me vibes of Sinead Mulvey -- like she doesn't match the band she's with. 

Still, I'm kinda into this one, although it seems like it'll get on my nerves quickly. So.... 

I anticipate this one will have silly costumes for the main band, and she'll be wearing something short and skimpy that'll be all Hey Hey, I've a Vajayjay! 

I also think this might go the way of Armenia in 2011. 

Serbia: Zeljko Joksimovic

Things anticipated always disappoint. Le sigh. 

The Eurovision Prince of Ethno-Ballads disappoints. I find Zeljko's entry too ballady, and not ethno enough. I mean, that's really what he's for -- the ethno thing. I find the song a bit uneven, it takes a long time to get going, and.... it's a bit too film score. I mean, I swear that's where the tune comes from. 

Just don't sing it in English, or i'll be even more disappointed. 

le sigh.

:( 

I really wanted to like this one too. 

Sweden: Loreen, Euphoria

As a viewer, it's very tedious when you sit through 8 songs and clearly only two are contenders for the prize. Or less, as with Ireland's final.

So after a month of at times tedious campaigning for Loreen's victory, Loreen is victorious.

This one divides me. On the one hand I like the dance anthem style. On the other hand, I find it too much like a bazillion other songs I've heard in the past 15 years since this style became mainstream. Anything that was used in a Gossip Girl trailer is definitely stylistically past its prime (when will they cancel that show?)

On the one hand, I like the minimal staging of the song. No ridiculous glass boxes. On the other hand, I find it a little pretentious. AND HER HAIR BLOODY IRRITATES ME!

This is already a favourite, and I find early hype for songs incredibly grating. It makes me automatically dislike it. Quite simply, underdogs and dark horses are more interesting.

I mean, this is so obviously going to do well, I just struggle to get behind it. I'm getting sick of it already.

Five Eurovision Ladies

Hey, it was International Women's Day the other day. I went to an event with a fashion show and goodie bags with moisturisers, hair products and chocolate. Yeah, that's what women are all about. Hair, clothes and chocolate. I despair sometimes, I really do.

Anyway, here's 5 Eurovision Ladies, in no particular order.

1: Ase Kleveland, Norway, 1966
Please excuse the lack of proper characters on that name. I have an English keyboard and getting them into Blogger posts is a pain.

Anyway, Kleveland came third in 1966 with this folksy song that she performed on guitar in a pantsuit. At the time that was considered notable. Nowadays, actually the way women's fashion is, that'd be notable for the inclusion of pants. And when so many songs are about love, desire and all that stuff, it's lyrically interesting too.




After Eurovision: She has had a long career and was formerly Norway's Minister for Culture. Yeah, she did alright really.

2: Silvia Night, Iceland 2006
Well, with my blog's name there's not a chance I wasn't going to mention my Trolling Queen! Oh, how awesome she was! How dreadful she was. I love her so!

I miss Silvia Night. They really need to bring her back!
After Eurovision: Well, Silvia Night is missing in action... Agusta Eva Erlendsdottir is doing Icelandic Films. She's doing alright. I mean, it can't be hard to be big in Iceland.

3: Dana International, Israel, 1998, 2011.
If anyone made Eurovision modern, it was Dana International. Within Eurovision, she's a divisive figure. She pretty much ushered in the era of media-hype winners, though the change to televoting also impacted on that. She is a Eurovision personality, as much as a performer. Which arguably, is a very bad thing. On the other hand, she brought modern pop back into the Eurovision, at a time when it needed a shape up. Certainly, without Dana International, the Eurovision would have continued as a very safe, conservative affair.

After Eurovision: Still performing, she's still a well known gay icon, and obviously (I mean obviously!) has had lots more plastic surgery. Shame she never made it to the final last year.

4: Massiel, Spain, 1968
Hahahahaha, she beat Cliff Richard. Hahahahaha, she was wearing a lampshade as a dress. The UK still hates her.

After Eurovision: Still hearing arguments that her win was rigged. Sigh, UK, let it rest. You've won enough times. Had a long career in Spain afterwards. Was not really ever relevant again to the rest of Europe. But she beat Cliff Richard. Hahahahahaa. And she was wearing a lampshade as a dress (how did she sit in that thing?) That dress, seriously!

5: Niamh Kavanagh
Maybe in private she secretly has a dartboard with Lena at the centre of it, and is cursing Europe for not giving her a second win, but most of the Eurovision fandom seems to agree that she is a genuinely nice person. Deserved to do better in 2010. According to a friend of mine, has MILF potential.

Probably is secretly evil though. Evil! 

Sweden: Team Flinck

Tis the Melodifestivalen final tonight, and I hate when there's clear favourites and everyone else might as well go home

Especially when they're shit!

Yeah! 

 

Russia's Eurovision entry, is it WTF, OMG, or ROFL?

Is this their way of saying 'We can't be fucked with the possibility of hosting Eurovision next year?'





This is seriously not what I expected from them.

Slovakia

You know, Rock entries are becoming really boring now in Eurovision. They're becoming as stiff and predictable as the schlager entries.

But at least they aren't screechy dance anthems. Or Tooji. Fuck that dickface.

Italy, Nina Zilli, the song we already heard

So, after that 4 1/2 hour San Remo competition where Nina Zilli was chosen after singing Per Sempre to represent Italy at the Eurovision, and Ell and Nikki managed to look the most bored, tired and awkward they could possibly have been throughout their victory lap, there was a lot of uncertainty whether she'd actually sing Per Sempre at the Eurovision.

She is, apparently. An 'international version.' That better not mean what it does to Bulgaria, and she'll sing one lyric in 43 languages.

This is the song, so far:

Yeah, whatever, it's straightforward enough and sensible enough for a winner. Despite the reputation, flashy gimmicks don't make many Eurovision winners. Just don't put it in English. That'll ruin the whole thing.

Belarus, again! Israel, Macedonia and Bulgaria.

Belarus, again, presumably for keeps this time, unless Alyona Lanskaya starts a revolution and overthrows the president.

Actually, this is a better song than the first song chosen. So, er.... democracy blows? Never let the people choose, they make bad choices. See, this song fucks with your political morality!

Israel. Now, they can't be bothered with those damn voting processes at all. No overlong national finals, no ridiculous voting processes. Just screw-you-people-we-don't-care-what-you-want internal selections.

And I like this. It's quirky, indie, cheery and cute. Israel are also screwing with your political morality in Eurovision. Let's move on quickly before someone mentions Palestine... quickly

Macedonia. More internal selections. Macedonia doesn't care. Who do you think they are? Greece? NO SERIOUSLY! Do you think they're GREECE? 

Oh, it's another song where they start out as a piano ballad and then BOOM it's gone, and it changes into something else. They're bucksfizzing instruments a lot in Eurovision in this year's finals.Seriously, that is getting so old! I am now suspicion of all pianos in Eurovision performances, alongside two-piece outfits. This song was going fine until that happened.

Bulgaria: Oh, Bulgaria, you started out so well. What's happened? This one? It's called Love Unlimited which makes me think of 2 Unlimited, who are a Eurovision entry that never was. That similarity seems appropriate, since Bulgaria's entry is equally short on lyrics, and has opted to get around that by... singing it in lots of different languages. I cannot decide if I find that bad, bad in a good way, or awesome. At the moment, I'm thinking just bad, and LAZY! Anyone can google translate i love you into different languages! Seriously, write some lyrics!

And this was the result of a public vote. Oh dear, democracy is not having a good show here.

Spain: Pastora Solera, Quédate conmigo

Piano ballad.

Pink Belarussia Girl is bored. 

Baltic Eurovision Contest

I got soooooo confused last night watching Lithuania and Estonia's national finals. Several times on Twitter I definitely tagged the wrong country. But, honestly, their fare has been slipping a bit lately and if Latvia had been the same night too, I'd have totally not remembered which was which. (except that Latvia is abominable.)

So, Lithuania. Love is Blind by Donny Montell. Love would have to be blind with his eyebrows!

:(

The song? It starts as a typical ballad. He's onstage blindfolded. Get it, cos LOVE IS BLIND! SO HE'S BLIND(folded). Did you get it? Did you get it? It's so subtle. 

Or maybe my comments about his eyebrows really did hurt his feelings? 

No, I guess not, because 1 and a half minutes in it goes all disco-dance. AND THE BLINDDFOLD IS BUCKSFIZZED! (yeah, it's a verb now!) Er... You know the song has to end at three minutes? At this point, it seems like two half-songs jammed together. And neither make much of an impression.

BUT HIS EYEBROWS DO!

Onto Estonia then. Ott Lepland with Kuula.

Not much to say here. It's a piano ballad, like hundreds we've heard before. But it is in Estonian, so I'm 12-pointing this one (yeah, that's also a verb now!) If it gets changed into English before the contest, it can fuck right off. 

Vintage Ireland Eurovision. Nothing ever changes.

Hi, freaks!

I haven't got round to mentioning Lithuania, Estonia or Spain yet because I've had to do academic dissertation stuff. This means i had to pay money to get into the Irish Times archive for 24 hours. While I was there, I went looking for Eurovision.

In 1963, when they were just watching they had this to say about Eurovision. They weren't so keen. In an article of 28 March, titled 'Sing a Song of Sameness', they were bored:

Read that, and tell me that people don't say the same things about Eurovision now. 

In 1970, they were sulking about the costs of hosting. It could have costed them £20,000. Oh, the irony.

Nowadays, that probably doesn't even cover the cost of the sequin dresses. 

Also worth noting that they don't thing Dana's song had 'national character or identity.' The irony, oh it hurts.

Engelbert Humperdinck

Engelbert Humperdinck will represent the UK.

Reactions? I was like this

Some people are like this

Others are like

And now I'm like, Bring it, Dincky!