I am so glad RTE made their internet TV player international, or I never would have discovered Republic of Telly, presenting the lows of Irish television, or heard of the horror that is Tallafornia.
It's Oscars day today and in a departure from Eurovision stuff, and as a result of Eurovision exhaustion right now, I thought I'd do a list of 10 European films to watch, for when you get tired of Eurovision, and need something other than dodgy lyrics about jokers, smokers, the Jagger Mick and other such things. I've tried to pick from a spread of Europe, not just 10 french or german films. Please recommend me more foreign films, in the comments here if you like. I totally want some comments!
1: Once, Ireland, 2007
This is a semi-musical about two not-very-remarkable people in Dublin who both want to make music and end up sorta in love, except that she's already married to a Czech who is moving to Ireland soon, and he's off to chase down his girlfriend who scarpered to London some time back. Anyway, it's very sweet, unglamorous and fairly realistic. When you watch Ireland's recent Eurovision entries, and their total failure at being modern, I wonder why they've never looked at Marketa and Glen from this film and thought 'throw them some money and get them on the Eurovision stage.' They got a freaking Oscar for Best Song! Ireland does have musical talent!
2: No Man's Land, Bosnia, 2001
A straightforward film set in a 1990s no mans land area between the bosnians and the serbians where one of them is placed on a land mine, and it all goes a bit philosophical about war, life, death, and such things for a while before everyone gets killed. The ending is massively depressing.
3: The Baader Meinhof Complex, Germany, 2008
This is an interesting, if perhaps flawed and not technically amazing, film about the rise and fall of 1970s German terrorist group the Red Army Faction. What's especially interesting about it is probably what a bunch of absolute wankers they seemed to be.
4: Anna M, France, 2007
If you ever saw the twee/cutesy Audrey Tautou film He Loves Me He Loves Me Not, where she has erotomania and stalks a doctor guy she imagines herself in love with, then Anna M is the darker, sinister version of that, with less narrative tricks that don't hold up on rewatching. This has a suicidal librarian and a somber and ugly physiotherapist, not a sweet pretty art student who can whimsically hide her tablets behind a wardrobe and a thematically-linked young handsome heart doctor.
5 Closely Observed Trains, Czech Republic, 1968
I came across this film in university when I had to read the book. It's more linear than the book, about a lad who works in a rural train station, who attempts suicide after he can't go the whole way with his girl in the time of the German occupation of the Czech Republic (or whatever it was back then, I lose track).
6 Control, UK, 2007
When people think of European films, they think of Foreign Language films. Since Ireland's here, I suppose it's only fair to include a good British film that has a Europe vibe about it anyway, being about a band whose post-punk style has its roots in 70s German rock, and was directed by Dutch photographer Anton Corbjin.
7 In Bruges, 2008, Ireland, in a sense...
I don't care what it officially says, I'm calling this one an Irish film. Colin Farrell, Brendan Gleeson, Martin Mcdonagh. It's an Irish film, whatever the title says. And I'm trying to make ten on my list. It's set in Bruges, that's in Belgium, that's in Europe. It totally counts. I need to see more foreign films.
8 Jar City, Iceland, 2006
Why does that pregnant junkie daughter look familiar? Oh, it's Silvia Night! Guess the Eurovision rejection really did hit her hard. This film is basically a Scandinavian crime drama, about some lowlife found murdered and connected with a weird genetic brain disease that only four people have. It's got lots of shots of Iceland that make you think 'oooohh, pretty' and a particularly notable scene where the detective eats a sheeps eat from a takeaway, Google says it is a dish called svid . Probably better than going to a dodgy burger van, mind.
9 Tilsammans, Sweden, 2000
Fucking hippies, man.
10 Three Colours: White French/Polish, 1994
The Three Colours trilogy is one of those default first-year film student things to watch. I never saw them till years later when a friend gave me Blue as a gift. I wasn't impressed. White, however, is quite good, and probably the only one of the three worth sticking with. The plot is a slightly off comedy about a Polish guy whose French wife dumps him because he's no good in bed (I think?) and he goes back to Poland with a guy who offers him some money to kill him, then he becomes successful in business and sets up his ex-wife as a criminal.
Honorable Mentions: Disco Pigs (Ireland), Bjarnfredarson (Iceland), Fucking Amal (Sweden), Goodbye Lenin, The Lost Honour of Katarina Blum, Volver, Persepolis -- Marjane Sartrapi's French-Iranian, so it counts,
So. Jedward. This is what represents my country again. Why, Ireland, why do you torment me so?
I'm going to try very hard to say 10 positive Jedward things then.
1: Their dancing is improving.
2: This song is less irritating than Lipstick
3: It doesn't involve the Jagger Mick, a distant 1980, or smoker jokers.
4: Jedward have stage presence.
Aaargh!
5: No one will ever say your hair looks bad next to them.
6: Dublin is awesome, doesn't everyone want an Irish Eurovision again?
7: Wouldn't it be on Riverdance levels of epic if the interlude involved the ritual sacrifice of them.
8: It is for the greater good. The greater good. If the rest of Europe wants Jedward, so be it. They better come back with the prize. The greater good.
9: Red Lemonade is awesome
10: So is Galtee cheese
This has to be the last we'll see of them now, right?
Right, U2. Let's talk about Ireland's biggest rock band for a second. When everyone thinks of them now, they think of a pompous, overblown stadium rock band. But that's not how they started out. Their early success was with 1983s War and songs like 'Sunday, Bloody Sunday.' When you want to think of Irish rock and you want to think of sounding like U2, think of this part of U2's career, not the latter snorefest. (Though, obviously, with less politics).
Sadly Andrew Mann's entry went for a pompous anthem. You can't start out as a pompous crowd pleaser. That takes years of arrogant douchery. You get to be that when you've built your castle up on that peak. When you're a young indie rocker starting out, you should be edgy and cool! Ireland's attempt at a younger rock/indie anthem just came out as another snoreing ballad with prominent electric guitar, something that played safe with the dreary conservativism of RTE. Yawn.
Then there was Una Gibney and David Shannon.
Firstly, I don't like to judge how people want to dress, or say who is too old for what, but that dress Una Gibney wore was hideous and did her no favours. Good god woman, you look ridiculous. I can't understand anyway dresses that are crotch skimming at the front and floor-dragging at the back. That strikes me as combining the worst elements of skirts. You are capable of both exposing your vagina and tripping over your own dress. It seemed a bit starlet or attention seeker, not seasoned professional singer to me.
The song itself was full of irritating, cheesey sentiments about bringing everyone together, and sickening pan-european sentiments, that have no meaning at all. None. It's a song of hollow, empty cliches sung by two people who have no connection to each other. Language of Love. God, even the title makes me want to vomit. Urgh, I'm so glad this never won. I couldn't have been more glad.
Who is that Mairead Farrell woman and why does The Late Late Show invite her to be their Eurovision fan. She's boring and she doesn't have any insight beyond the obvious? She has a vibe of tokenism about her.
So first up was Maria McCool, the years token celtic entry. Since doing away with the irish language entry, there's always a celtic entry. Anyway, as I previously expected, they all were like, oh yes, Maria McCool is very irish but Dervish did so badly, we shouldn't do celtic again.
Like with Sandy Jones in 1972, it's getting the reason for the failure wrong. Dervish's performance was firstly dreadful, but secondly the song was cloyingly twee! Twee Celtic? No, celtic music is and should be dark and brooding. Ireland's a country of rain, and clouds, and mountains. Music is appropriately dark and brooding, not SUNSHINE, FLOWERS, SPRINGTIME. Urgh.
There was fire and stuff, that song was cool. Ok. Mairead Farrell, piss off! Late Late Show, call me!
On it went to Donna McCaul
They talked about her like she was being a Lady Gaga type. McCaul is only Gaga-like in the sense that Gaga is not very original and mostly ripping off better things. Gaga though, of course, does her ripping-off with such extravagance and pomposity that she seems original.
McCaul just seems like she's doing karaoke. Everything about her screams karaoke singer. She has a scrap of a voice and no stage presence. She looked like someone's mum embarassing herself. Her outfit make her look frumpy and boxy. God, why was she even brought back again? She was the flop from 2005!
So, yeah, by this point, I figured Jedward was their winner... sigh.
So... I watched on saturday evening and will on Sunday retro-blog this parody of a final
Oh it's Jedward. Why did you bother? It was Jedward? Jedward, Jedward JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDWAAAAARD
Cocks!
I was in Scotland over the weekend. I saw handsome men in kilts in the street, standing around, just looking handsome in kilts. Standing around with the soft tweedy ends of their kilts blowing delicately in the wind, like a gust could make a girl's day. Alas, there was nothing, and this celtic fringe lady had to walk on, with no scotch buttocks to amuse her day.
I just wanted to lift one up and take a peek underneath. Le Sigh, I could not.
Anyway my trip in Scotland involvled pandas, posey penguins and panic attack, more le sigh. tweet for pics of cute panda and posey penguins.... i didn't get any hamdsome men in skirts though....
mmm... handsome men in skirts....
...handsome men in skirts.....
.....
...
AAARGH. there's a place called JEDBURGH! NOOOOO!!!
Wait Jedburgh? Not Jedward..... Aaargh
..
yeah sorry i'm back... and I think i may have to dissect this final in bits... So stay tuned for I on Sunday I will discuss in depth more Irish national eurovision talk and elaborate on: Celtic Mysticism, B*wtiched, Lady Gaga, U2, languages of love, and positive things about Jedward. (I really want an Irish win, so I need positive thinking!)
Right, I'm going away on Thursday to a hotel in Scotland that has no internet! Which means.... BOOO, I'm going to miss the Irish National Final!
Still, it's probably the most obvious bloody contest of all. Sigh. Oh general public, must you be so easily led!
So, here's what will happen on Friday
Ryan Tubridy will open the Late Late Show. He will continue to be his usual under-appreciated, oft-maligned, geeky academic hotness.
My future 3rd husband
Anyway, first up will be Maria McCool. Her song will be underappreciated and everyone will sulk that it might not be very Eurovision even though her song is beautiful and awesome! B*witched jokes will be made (My sister will kill me if I don't use the '*' symbol there!)
Then Donna McCaul will be on. She'll be a minor disappointment, restricted by the nature of the RTE studio, but still an impressive show. Everyone will say they think it's great but it'll seem obvious they're lying. Ryan Tubridy has no pokerface.
Then we'll get the guitar boy. Everyone will compliment it's skill but subtly dislike it.
Then we'll all be bored by Language of Love
Then Jedward will be on, everyone will gush about how awesome they were, reference their lack of talent, ignore how blandly american their sound is.
Then a former 90s winner will perform. We'll give the thing a standing ovation because their 90s wins were all made of fucking WIN and awesome! Ryan Tubridy will awkwardly interview, because he is no personality, and no real journalist, and often seems out of his depth. Or perhaps, beneath his depth, because The Late Late Show is descending into trashy disposable celebrity levels, and Tubridy just does not seem like a man interested in Z listers. He seems like a guy who should be presenting smart but down-to-earth history documentaries.
Anyway... after 40 minutes of faffing the juries and televote will speak. It'll seem briefly like Donna will win, but Limerick will be again a place of inbreds and fuck all taste and will vote for jedward, and they'll win by a landslide. Ryan Tubridy will again fail at pokerface and will wonder briefly why is he doing this at all, why didn't he just scream at the audience and call it for someone else. Gay Byrne wouldn't have stood for this shit. Nor would Pat Kenny.
I'm thinking Georgia doesn't really want to go to the final this year. I cannot think of any other reason for this.
Wikipedia says that he was born in a distant 1980, the year the Irish Johnny Logan won.
Esctoday has the following description of the joker:
Anri has been singing since the age of 4 and has participated in many contests and concerts both in Georgia and abroad. He is also a composer and has worked as a screenwriter of videoclips. Anri is the producer of many newcomer singers. Anri plans to shoot a musical in upcoming months. He is producer, screenwriter and director of this film and is currently working on his fifth studio album.
I am never watching San Remo again. Oh dear god, what a show. This show was over 4 hours long and then Ell/Nikki rushed onto stage to spit out 30 seconds of italian and say Nina Zilli is representing Italy.
The song? Oh, yeah, that might not have been chosen yet....
:|
What just happened?
Croatia presented a song though. Let's just console ourselves with that. I'm going to rock back and forth in a corner with nightmares of an eternity of watching Italian song contests.
Oh, this has one of those titles that's just ASKING for trouble. Beautiful Song? More like Ugly Song, More like Stupid Song, More like Shit Song, More like Embarrasing Song. You see?
The opening lines are cringeingly bad.
#I was born in a distant 1980
The year the Irish Johnny Logan won#
Congratulations, you're 32.
#Now he's old, you know, still kind of famous#
In a way, I suspect, that you never will be.
I've already said that comedy entries have passed their peak. This is a semi-comedy entry, I suppose. It's a song about wanting to be a Eurovision winner, and being famous from it. Kudos for a lack of Abba references, but Mick Jagger references are sooooooo last year!
Songs actually about winning the Eurovision never do well. Comedy entries are notable for being really over-the-top and ridiculous. This one, perhaps sensing the shifting tide, is a bit modestly silly. It starts with her as some sort of of naive country girl outfit and then !!!!!OBVIOUS COSTUME CHANGE ALERT!!!! changing into a long black skirt. It doesn't work. To me, the overall affect is, whatever! If you're singing a song about how you're going to win the Eurovision and you're going to be really famouse you need to do it in a really extravagant, brash and cocky manner. You need to be Silvia Night, Dustin, LT United. Anmary looks like someone who doesn't want to seem completely ridiculous. Look at her sexy-girl styling in the semi-final. It defeats the purpose, somewhat.
Oh, I'm losing heart with eurovision entries this year.
I missed the ukraine national (mmmm, pillows, pillows), because there was no controversy around it this like there has been every other.
This song does nothing for me. I'm hoping that Gaitana will oblige in wearing a ridiculous outfit in may, and maybe bring Svetlana Loboda's centurions with her.
I'm also hoping this may be the year Ukraine sit out the final, cos i'm sick of those countries that everyone just knows will go through. Ukraine, or Russia. Particularly since Russia were so cocky last year of their place in the final that they didn't hold their delegation party till AFTER their semi.
Time to shake things up again! This seems like a place to start.
Though it doesn't mean much, you're the most stable country in Europe right now. You hosted last year's eurovision. WHY DOESN'T YOUR LIVEFEED WORK PROPERLY!
My god, this would have been an agonising show to watch. Oh, how they talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, oh hey, songs!
The winner?
He has that charisma of X Factor type winners. That being, fuck all!
This is all just a bit too falsely heartfelt to me. Look, there's a plonking piano, that means he's sad. Look, there's a plaintive wailing, repetitive chorus. Oh, can't you feel the emotion!!!! This means it's probably a winner. This means i want to hit my head against a wall!
Still, I don't want to murder him. I mean, he doesn't send me into a homicidal rage, he doesn't look like a total dickface! I could permit his existence. I mean, 26 songs, there are always going to have to be songs for toilet breaks, drinks refills and such.
So far, I don't know what Eurovision entries I like. They all seem a bit blah to me. I must be ill. Or nothing amazing has turned up yet.
I forgot to watch this because I forgot the time difference between here and Belarus. Damn those time zones.
So, do we have something as fabulous as Born in Belarussia?
No.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
We've got a musical theatre ballad with the what now seem to be mandatory useless backing dancers flashing their sparkley knickers every so often. Seriously, what are those two dancers doing? You know, competitors, the rule is 6 people maximum on the stage, not put 2 dancers there, plus some fake instrument plays.
So, this year's Eurovision has 43 countries participating. This works out well for me, since I have a jigsaw on my wall with all the countries on it. (By the way, it is hard to find a proper europe map jigsaw that isn't for kids and goes all the way to the caucasus and down to israel!)
My jigsaw after last years semi-finals.
If every eligible country to participate (meaning every EBU member) were to send an entry there would be 56 countries in the contest. That's 25 countries in each semi final. Phew, that'd be a long show!
Countries that have never participated, but theoretically could are...
Algeria
Egypt
Jordan
Lebanon (which is their own fault, really.)
Libya
Tunisia
Vatican City (lol, imagine that entry!)
I'd expect a load of Arab Spring anthems if they joined.
The French block would be back. Oh Poland, we already miss you. :(
If Liechenstein joins the EBU the number would be 57.
If Kosovo get to be a properly recognised independent nation, and joins the EBU that would be 58.
If Scotland gets its independence, they'd totally join to piss off the BBC, and that'd make 59. They'd go Buckfizz with a kilt, and we'd all see what's underneath.
Kazakhstan wants to join the EBU? 60. No Borat impressions will be allowed.
If Northern Ireland went their own way, or Ireland and the UK agreed to cut a big hole and push it off into the Atlantic to fend for itself? 61 (Wales, by the way, will have shacked up with the Ireland in this vision.)
If Libya splits into two countries? Well, one will probably be some messed up piece of corruption, so we'll still only have 62.
Palestine? We'll probably all be dead by the time that argument is settled. 63.
Qatar? Really? Seriously? Oh god, 64.
If Russia breaks up into fifteen small countries? OH JESUS NO!!!!!!! Absolutely not!
One of the most noticeable trends from the televoting era - which would be roughly the noughties - was for comedy entries. Fun, silly, ironic, piss-taking performers who were picked as a result of public support for the persona, rather than the song, such as Dustin the Turkey and Silvia Night. They usually played up to the perceived campness of the contest. Recently though, they've lessened. Last year's only real comedy entry was Homens de Luta, but the joke probably went over most people's heads, being a very Portuguese thing. Moldova's cone hats and unicycle were more fun than comedy, the song itself was pretty straightforward party rock. This year, the nationals so far haven't thrown up many joke entries, and most of them have fallen away at the various rounds.
It makes sense that they would disappear, being essentially a populist trend. 2009 saw the return of 50/50 jury/public vote, and juries don't go in for silliness. Comedy entries have never won, the closest was Verka Serduchka in 2007. Countries spend a lot of money to enter, and currently most of Europe is in a recession. Why spend money sending something that will be laughed at, then come last.
The current trend in Eurovision is for rock. Which is understandable, since Lordi's win and Turkey's 2010 runner-up. Crucially though, rock entries can be edgier than the schlager or currently trendier dance pap, but are proper music entries.
An inevitable trend will probably be the rise of Twitter acts, i.e. Jedward. They're so poor but get to sing catchy, fairly disposable songs selected from a demos folder. Their talent is in their ability to force themselves upon people on the likes of twitter, getting them lots of attention and success. I wouldn't be too surprised if the Eurovision becomes filled with more like them, driven less by talent than by the ability to network, which is the lowest tactic when it comes to making success, but seems to drive everything these days.
Of course, the contest is never the most fashionable thing, that's part of it's charm. It's already been documented that the traditional/ethnic ballads trend in the 90s was a surprise, and are subsequently hard to trace beyond the current chart fashion. But I wouldn't be surprised if the comedy entries have peaked, and the musical variety of the competition grows.
It's like 1:30 am and I cannot get Magni's song out of my head, which i didn't even really like the first time round, but sigh, I think I loves now. Oh well, I wasn't an icelander who could have voted anyway. (How I wish I could have been. Paul Oscar, Silvia Knight, awesome volcanoes -- what's not to love?)
After what feels like a long agonising night of Eurovision I have no opinion on Hungary's entry.
Hungary is one of those countries that is never regarded much in the eurovision. When people whine about 'those bloody eastern europeans blockvoting all the time' hungary is not who they're thinking of. And when they think of the ridiculous comedy entries, its not Hungary they're thinking of. Or the really really really awful songs.
They are, in every sense, forgettably in the middle.
For a second I thought I would have to discuss BlarOpal. Oh thank god! I don't. They need never be mentioned again.
So, Iceland avoided comedy, or kids vote and went for the classy choice. I feel like the way it's going at the moment, they will be very lonely in Baku.
Oh well, they outclass the others, and manage to sing a song that doesn't make me want to shove a drill through my eardrums. That is a compliment!
Seriously, they need to check they aren't related. Or get less dickish haircuts.
So Norway disappointingly choose Dickface 2 with a crappy dance anthem that if i listened to to the end i would cause brain damage. Oh Norway, I am disappoint.
You know that piece of shit is going to the finals. Now I at least if Jedward win for Ireland I can at least imagine them beating dickface and watch his terrible attempts to express emotion.
There's always a Celtic entry in Ireland's national final. This is probably the most modern sounding one they've had for a long time. It's the most interesting song in the running for Ireland. It's also got the least chance. But, as I already said, that's better for you, because you can make money on it's win! Think about it Ireland. Don't you need some money?...
2: Donna McCaul, Mercy
She's improved since 2005's disastrous entry. This is probably the most likely to defeat Jedward, if that is possible at this point. However, it has a dodgy spoken bit in the middle. :S
3: Andrew Mann, Here I am
Can't find a link to this one. That's ok. It was too dull to talk about.
4: Una Gibney and David Shannon, Language of Love
Urgh at this song. Just urgh. It does all the things i dislike in eurovision songs. Cheesey peace anthem. Just urgh!
5: Waterline, Jedward
Wait, is this Jedward? It can't be. It sounds in tune. This one could almost pass as good. What THE FUCK is going on here?
In order my choice would be:
1: Maria McCool -- odds are now 20/1. Come on, she's a moneymaker! DO IT!!
2: Donna McCaul -- if we could take out the spoken bit.
3: Jedward -- i'm imagining them close to the waterline, and drowning, ahahahahahahahahaaaa!
4: Andrew Mann -- disappointlingly all over the place.
In this article on Ell and Nikki from Azerbaijan, someone in the comments wonders the following:
maybe it would have been better for them to sing an Azeri song in the ceremony because it's a bit strange that the people who won azerbaijans people of tge year award is doing a performance in English! Don't they ever sing any other songs together? Preferably in Azeri?
Remember of course that Ell and Nikki don't spend any other time together (I'm not convinced they even like each other). They were only put together for that song, and have other careers going on, so naturally, they only ever sing that song. By this point, they must be glad that their victory lap is almost over and they can stop singing that song.
But it raises an interesting question in the current eurovision climate. Where swedish songwriters are everywhere, where everyone sings in english, where the producers are big American hotshots, how 'national' is your nation's entry?
It seems that for most nations the nationality of the performer matters. Ell and Nikki sang an English language song written by a Swedish/American team, but they still represented Azerbaijan, because they are from Azerbaijan. (Even if Nikki lives in London.)
If you're in the UK and you were a hardcore geek you might have watched that abysmal channel 5 documentary in2010 where Justin Lee Collins wanted to sing in the Eurovision, but not for the UK. Not surprisingly, he never got to. He tried his chances with Estonia, Andorra, and Ireland. Estonia would only allow an estonian citizen to enter. Andorra just didn't want to enter.
It was his chance with Ireland where it got most interesting. It was suggested to Justin that he'd have a better chance with Ireland because they were closest to the UK, and they always had lots of singers from the UK.
Technically, that's true. Dana was Ireland's first winner in the Eurovision, and she's from Derry, in Northern Ireland, which is part of the UK. HOWEVER, someone in Channel 5's production needed a lesson in politics and geography. Northern Ireland, and being Irish or English is a bloody minefield. They're not called The Troubles for nothing! The only UK people to represent Ireland at the Eurovision are Northern-Irish people, who presumably define themselves as Irish. Justin was on a hiding to nothing, since he's not remotely Irish. I always thought the runner-up in Ireland's 2009 national, the Latvian Kristina Zaharova did quite well to come second. In the current form of the Eurovision where performers are the only symbol for the nation, it so matters what it says on their birth certificate. (Hence, it concerns me that Jedward represent Ireland!)
With the announcement of Željko Joksimović for Serbia, it seems fairly certain that once again they are retaining a very specific national sound, with a Serbian performer of ethno ballads. If you look at the rest of former Yugoslavia, all have chosen a performer who is specifically born in their country, or in one of those tetchy disputed regions like Kosovo, as Rona Nishliu is.
In fact, so far the only country that doesn't have a singer who was born in their country is the country that's usually very sensitive about their nationality is France, who have Anggun, who lived in Indonesia till she was twenty. Of course it's still very French.
The least likely to win the Irish national final, according to PaddyPower, is Maria McCool at 12/1.
So, if we all put a tenner on her, vote manically for her to win (or encourage all our Irish friends to vote manically for her), jedward will fuck off and the rest of us are quids in. Or paddypower will stop all bets and everyone will stop thinking jedward must be best because they have the best odds.
Lets go gamble!
Our Saviour
Yegads, that is one cheap looking album cover!
Pure Evil!
Why doesn't someone shave their heads in their sleep or something?
So, last nights melodifestivalen: My gold was it shiny?
Look at host Sarah Dawn Finer there. Her face is all like, Fuck yeah, I'm wearing this dress.
It's pretty fucking awesome. I now want a big sparkly gold dress.
If the host is wearing that much sparkle, it'll knock off the impact of anyone else's sparkly outfit,
I can't find a full picture of Marie Serneholt's outfit which was a skintight catsuit, which is probably for the best. It just looked tacky in comparison to Sarah's dress. Anyway, shiny catsuits didn't help her song get to the final, so... jog on. Her song made no sense anyway, you can't get enough of the guy who's salt and pepper and he makes your heart go boom? Girl, that's not romance, that's hypertension.
Oh Norway, you seem like such a pretty country. You once had Nocturne. Alexander Rybak, with his punchable smirkiness, has saintly proportions right now. Don't do this to me Norway.
Oh, my god! This has to be the most painful national final to sit through. overly long, with a full TWENTY minutes before a song seemed to be sung, cheesy production, ridiculous song titles, (someone elsewhere said they were like they'd picked names from a hat -- if you're reading this, lets marry), and too many adverts, and a presenter who was looking at his ipad either for his phony cue or there was some very engrossing porn on there.
Anyway, an apology to Glen Vella, Malta's 2011 representative. When I first heard last years Maltese entry found it irritatingly cheesy, camp and boybandy, and GAY! -- like he was accomodating for bravado, which is an irritating thing with eurovision, which is something that requires a complex discussion but i'll sum up here by saying that with the exceptions of the village people, there's not really such a thing as a 'gay song' or a 'gay audience.' When I first heard Glen Vella's Eurovision entry One Life all i heard was "vote for me gay audience, i'm being disco and fabulous, and inclusive, and all that. You're gay so you like disco and feather boas and saying faaaaabulous. So I'm perfect' And it was irritating. But, once i forgot all that, I remembered that it was kind of a cool disco tune. It's still quite pandering to a certain cliche audience, but, I dunno. I feel like, for the cliche, it's a better end of cliche. So Glen Vella, I would like to add you to my list of Semi-Final losers who should have been there. You never would have won, but i like you more than that bullshit from Romania or Denmark.
Moving on to this year... Kurt Calleja
I fear for Eurovision this year. Is it just me or does this one sound like Cyprus's entry? A tiny Mediterranean island should not enter a song that resembles another tiny Mediterranean island's entry, but be lamer.
First lyric of the song:
#Hey
Look at me
Can't you see
That I'm into you#
Oh fuck off with this shit. Just fuck off. No, I've had it enough with this club wank, this pseudo-misogyny with guys singing songs about getting girls, like they're a pint of milk and they pick it up and woo, they has the milk (maybe this is not the appropriate metaphor). Where's the love, the romance? No, now you get the impression that if you turn down the likes of Eric Saade, Alex Sparrow and Kurt here you're gonna be harassed forever, until they're popular and that they'll be coming to get you and this will be the night they -- not you, oh non-descript object of their magazine derived affections -- will be a star. They're self involved, vain and tedious.
That is all that I have to say. Goodnight. lol x roflcopter
Today my flat has been overrun with people sawing into the floor and drilling and other racket. And I was reminded of those awful eurovision entries that seem like something went wrong and you can't bear to listen to, they just hurt so much.
So here are ten eurovision entries that came out really badly in the end, humiliating themselves and their nation's taste in music forever. I've excluded the 'funny' and deliberately awful entries here, like Ping Pong's Sameach, 90% of Norway's output (I mean, they were being deliberately bad throughout the 70s, werent they? Weren't they?), and most of the 80s, cos the 80s weren't kind to anyone.
Don't play the videos, just take my word, they're bad.
10: Switzerland, 1967
Most of the really awful entries are quite recent. Probably because most of the worst stuff is forgotten over time. Also, music has changed a lot since the 60s and more singers now are not great live performers, but video stars. So the awful entries from the 1960s are not really bad, just... not well done.
9: Luxembourg, 1984
You know that thing people do in songs when they emote with their arms? I hate it. I really hate it! Like 10, this probably isn't truly horrendous, just under-rehearsed.
8: United Kingdom, 2007.
This is probably in tune, actually.It's too awful in general to tell.
This song should have, and would have, been last in the contest that year had it not been for....
7: Ireland, 2007
Sigh. Oh Dervish. What have you done. If you hadn't been atrociously awful, then RTE wouldn't have come to the conclusion that all traditional stuff is awful and they must do something modern. It's their fault we must now suffer Jedward. Twice (most probably, sigh.) Take the tin whistle and the bodhran and shove them up your arse! Oh, and, generally, it's a bad idea to include lyrics in your Eurovision that list eurovision countries or capitals.
6: Croatia, 2006
This might be a joke entry. I dunno. I can believe that someone would sing a song about how much they love their stiletto heels. Just, probably not this one. This song hurts more than a stiletto in the eye.
That outfit too! Good God! And no one should ever remove items of clothing in the eurovision again.
5: Moldova, 2006
On the subject of removing clothes for effect, this lot should be careful, or they may face criminal charges for public indecency.
4: Macedonia, 2000
One of the first of that awful era in the noughties where everyone was trying to do a Britney Spears type thing, and everyone wore hideous pastels and tube-tops. Fortunately the likes of Tatu and later Lordi, to much greater effect, put an end to the really hideous pop entries. But between 1999 and 2002, oh god, the Eurovision was bad!
3: Spain, 1983
Infamously bad, this one is on pretty much every worst eurovision entries list. Even if you allow for the Spanishness of the song. The singing is probably better with some Spanish guitar and flamenco dancing around it, not a very flat 80s backing track that sounds like its in a seperate song.
2: Bulgaria, 2009
You know, I actually liked this song in the run-up to the contest. It's very dancey. But oh, oh god, did this go wrong. The guy, I think, is ok, but the backing singers, OH GOD!!!! STOP. All of you are too loud, too shoutey singing too many different things and when they sing together, AAAARGH!
1: UK, 2003
Bulgaria is probably worse, but I think that individually those people can probably sing, and I'm always sad that song didn't go better. Jemini though? Bwaahahahahaa. Oh God, the UK getting 0 points? The biggest, flounciest, sorest losers of all the nations, didn't get anything. Not even from Ireland (at least Dervish managed to get points from someone). This song's failure was so delicious because of how arrogant the UK and snotty the UK tends to be about other countries entries. As a friend once said, the problem with the UK in the competition is that they don't take it seriously enough to send their biggest stars, but they don't enjoy the fun of the game enough to be really silly! So they end up with stuff like this. This disaster was blamed on block-voting, politics, technical faults, when, really, they just didn't try!
Why do so many of the worst songs also have the worst costumes?
I do feel slightly bad for the people who fail in the Eurovision, though. It must be career-wrecking and unbearably humiliating to be awful in front of 100 million people across the world. Probably worse than being one of those weirdos on things like The X Factor. I mean, those people at best need to get some singing lessons, and at worst are self-entitled deluded nutcases that no amount of reasoning would convince otherwise. The ones at Eurovision? Well, this IS their big moment. They've already fought off hundreds of other songs and performers. So, yeah, it's probably not really funny to laugh at the ones who screw it up.
Except for Scooch. It's totally fine to laugh at them.
